Monday, July 25, 2011

every, every, every day.

how do you say ...

i have great friends and family. i mean it. i have too many to count or list. i just feel like i should acknowledge them somehow. how do you say thankyouiloveyouyousavedmylifeiloveyou?

it's been a really fast time. lots of things are happening. sometimes it feels like people are slipping through the cracks, and i need to tell them something. i wish they knew how i felt without me saying it. every day.

my beautiful babies. every day.
my sisters. every day.
my friends. every day.
my grandma. every, every day.
my brother. every day.

if you're strong enough for me to lean on, i will. i can't do this alone. i am not doing it alone. i don't want to nor do i need to do it alone. i haven't ever done it alone.

and yet when people offer to do something nice, i say, why would you do that? like, really? why are you so nice?

i have a friend who i did a favor for, because he is one of the most amazing people i know. and trust me, this was not within my comfort zone. but consider it done with no questions asked. and at this point of my life, when i feel my weariest, my most unappealing, not at all attractive, and awkward, he managed to make me feel ... flattered, at least. and he's the kind of person who lets you talk until you say things about yourself that you didn't know. it's a learning experience. i wish i could see life through his eyes.

another friend invited lucy and me to the rodeo. and putting up with lucy and me at the rodeo is not just any ordeal. a screaming, teething baby and a pit stop at the grocery store, leaving early, chasing sunglasses, bottles, everything, everywhere. and then through my constant rambling you hear, "you look pretty. no. i mean you look really good." and it it's the first time you've heard it for what feels like forever. scratch that, it's the first time you've heard it and believed it. and believed that he meant it. he would do anything for me. and his family is so great and they love lucy. and the rodeo, a screaming baby, and a drive thru is the best date i've had. maybe in my entire life.

or my girls. my girls. the ones who are tougher than most boys and smarter than all men. AND can change a tire. a really, really flat tire that you have given up on, but have no other options, and the lug nuts that have been welded on by a machine ... and she does it. just like that. (okay, it took hours and a lot of sweat. but she did it.) but they make me laugh, keep me young, call me old, piss me off, and offer to babysit and loan me their cars. or pick me up day or night. and they don't care that i look like i just crawled out from under a rock. it's hard to explain. but i needed help and bam! there it was. and remains. i just don't know how to pay it back. or how to say, no, really, thanks.

i saw three other close friends not too long ago. they talk. they listen. they snort wine out their noses when they laugh. they disclose things that we've never said but all have thought. they are mothers. they are single. they are some of the greatest friends i will ever have.

and don't get me started on my sisters and my brother. i can't even start. i won't. no matter what goes down, we got this. we just need to stick together. no matter what. i will have words for you. i just hope you know. i hope you know.

i have an unbelievable grandma. the toughest of all. and always there when someone needs her. i have felt like, i guess ... who does she have to lean on? since my grandpa passed away, she's the sole source of stability in our lives. the only one we can cry to, lean on, talk crazy with, explain things, talk to. and does she go to bed feeling lonely and beaten up? yes. but does she stop doing it? no. she's amazing. really. and a pain in the ass.

i have a hard heart i think. sometimes. but not at the right times. one of the aforementioned friends said, "hey, do you like my shirt? you haven't even said anything." and it's true. i noticed it instantly, thought in my mind how cool it was, but didn't say it. until 4 hours later when he brought it up. why? later i confessed that i think a lot of things that i don't say. and, at the same time, probably say a lot of things that i don't mean.

i guess, i just need to tell people how much i love and appreciate them. i don't want to take for granted the kindness or love i've been shown. it's been an extraordinary year. and i survived (or am surviving) only because of those in my life who have loved me without expectations. and every day, i know i don't say it. but you know who you are. i am alive because of you. my girls are loved because of you. we have power because of you. we have food because of you. faith, hope, happiness, courage, confidence, wine, a running car, an hour of sleep, toilet paper. all these things i have because of you.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Weary sun, sleep tonight

i went to bed relatively early tonight. early for me. i have a hard time falling asleep but once i get there, i'm rock solid.

no nightmares tonight. no drama.

and yet at 3:40 am, i jolted awake in a complete panic. my heart is racing really, really fast. so i have adopted a rule ... even if you can't sleep, lay there. like Nate says, your body is still resting. just lay there. and so i did. until 4:40 am. i gave it one hour until my mind made things worse by pile driving through everything all at once. all the things and people and history and future and problems in life started freaking me out. it got worse. so i got up.

i tried to read. i am seriously contemplating going downstairs and cleaning. i took some prilosec for the stomach pain. i drank a little milk. i ate a pop tart.

i resisted electronics until i convinced myself that writing is really the only thing that stops my brain for a minute and calms me down - focusing on one thing instead of 2 million things at a time is better. i can sit and tell myself over and over again that everything is fine, that there's nothing i can do about anything at this hour, that things will look better in the morning, that it's a panic attack. it will pass. that i need rest, but it doesn't happen.

there is nothing tragic about today. i actually had a great night. i ate a delicious steak. i was in excellent company. maybe it's just time to get up. i have to take CJ to cheer at 8am, i have a million things to do. oh right, when you're having a panic attack, it's impossible to do anything but shuffle around and freak the fuck out. so no. let's work this out, lady balls.

existance is an incredibly complex and fascinating topic. societies, cultures, progression, deterioration, irrationalism, evolution, co-existing, living, consuming, relationships, giving birth, love, attraction, death ... and humans and their brains are equally intricate. i think i would like to talk to Ayn Rand and Frederick Nietzsche. (after dr. phil, of course.) i failed philosophy in college. twice i think. it's the easiest class, right? no. it's not for me.

but when i read Nietzsche in college, i remember relating to some of his beliefs but vaguely and not really caring either way. but lately, i've been doing a lot of introspective thinking and writings about humans (mainly myself) and life ... and i reverted back to religion and philosophy and happiness, etc. and i read things Nietzsche wrote and i have written journal entries that would be considered plagiarism to anyone who knew his work. it's weird. i don't believe in everything he did. but i get it. it was just his natural intrigue to find truth (or if truth exists) or the why we're here, what motivates people, why they act they way they do. and i'm not patting myself on the back here, or saying i'm smart or special, everyone contemplates the meaning of life. and i'm not saying i've written, Dear Diary, God is dead. Goodnight. it's more of a pondering of the motives and how society got so tangled up, why some people are good, why some people are not, what is love, truth, is it real? it's different now and what will it be like in 100 years. blah blah.

i guess maybe i am not saying anything. i am just trying to figure out how to NOT have physical or mental aversions or go crazy. but i can't stop myself. i miss my sleep. i miss it. i can't take tylenol PM because i have to get up in 2 hours. i don't have benadryl. i don't want to be groggy all day. i'm not necessarily worried. i feel really grounded and well. i slept great camping last weekend. ding! maybe it has something to do with where i am?

i do feel like this, however. if i could cohesively write down the things i have discerned in my brain, with the detail and insights i gain, it would be good reading for those who have similiar life experiences. not for everyone. but i do think it would help people. i often say, i wish someone would have told me that i could have tried this. i wish i had learned that sooner. i wish i had read that book earlier in life. i just can't express my thoughts in words that are compelling. and without being me, it would be hard to understand what i could write down. to put it in a language that others would benefit from, would be futile. and i would go mad trying to organize it in my own brain.

i started thinking about the Will to Live vs. Will to Power a while ago. a couple weeks later i started a manuscript entitled "The Diary of a Person Going Clinically Insane." i only got two lines into it. but it wasn't a dark or weird thing, it just goes back to psychology and my fascination on the subject. and if i do go crazy, later in life, maybe it would be interesting to read? or people would say, i have those feelings so i may want to try something different. why do people just crack? why do brains shut down? i have weird experiences where i get lost in thought at bank drive throughs, parks, in bed, driving and i have thought, "wait? am i going crazy? do people who know they are going crazy recognize these first signs? does it start like this? should i get help?"

i'm not crazy, i mean, according to modern day standards, i have a good solid grasp on reality. i am not conventional, but i'm not cooking kittens in the oven or eating my own arm. anyway, i digress. maybe we all think this way.

how i WISH i had talked to my professors about philosophy because it's so interesting to learn about. how did i fail? i think my mind must have been like ... too much truth, too much stuff, i could give a shit about this, i like vodka! (i was in college, okay? i was 18.) i wasn't ready for it, maybe? and also, i know i'm an ass, but my teachers were pretty pretentious, dull, and obviously not really sparking any interest in "thinking." it was a bunch of memorization and tests and ponytails.

back to the Will of Power. Were Nietzsche alive today, he would be like ... yup, i was right. his take on society and man and woman in the late 1800's relates succinctly with modern day problems that didn't even exist yet. it explains epidemics that weren't even around. he didn't need to stand behind a podium and preach. he just thought. he thought A LOT and really deep.* i think he's just brilliant.

i am not going to turn into a philosophizer or go crazy. i just find comfort in his writing and that i can relate to it. and, with that, i will stop thinking and let my mind rest. he had a mental breakdown so i don't have to.

*Grammatical error intentionally kept for my sister, and really anyone who has seen the movie Sideways. "I went deep last night ..... deep."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

baby, we were made for each other

so i have been gearing up for some improved quality of life and living. after a lot of thought and many discussions with people i respect, i am determined to make my move. literally.

the first option was oregon. which not only flopped but left me discouraged and in tears. it literally brought me to my knees on the hot, gooey, blacktop at Lagoon. no longer an option. as prepared as i was for the rejection, it still hurt. but i peeled myself off the ground, assuring my family that no one has ever died at Lagoon, and let Chloe take me on Wicked. which caused me to barf. and also realize that i can come a lot closer to death on a rollercoaster than regular life.

so i started creeping in on my second option: austin, texas. i know. i hate texas. i sure do. but it's austin. and pieces have started to drop slowly into the places they fit. and without forcing them to fit. i plan to travel there by the end of this month to check things out. i have done some research, talked to people that live there, thought about it, asked questions, looked at places to live ... and then, yesterday, upon throwing away the Parenting Magazine that Lucy has been destroying for over a week, this article fell open: "The Best Cities to Raise Families." aaand Austin is number 2 on the list. that's right, Swing City! and here is what Parenting Magazine says:

"It's no surprise that Austin kept its second-place ranking from last year--it's a way-cool progressive city in a warm and sunny climate. City pools stay open year-round, and the bass are always biting at Town Lake. The self-proclaimed Live Music Capital of the World, Austin also hosts the annual South by Southwest music, film, and interactive festival. It's a mecca for innovators--Michael Dell launched his tech company here--and Samsung, Goggle, and Facebook all have offices. With an abundance of pediatricians, 27,000 acres of parkland, and plenty of farmers markets and co-ops, Austin is a well-rounded, healthy hometown."

anyone who knows me and loves me knows that this is where my girls and i need to be. austin and us; we were made for each other. i think i could fall madly in love.

as a back-up, i am looking forward to karma's full report on South Carolina. it's my third and final option. but really, my gut tells me i already know. i will even wear cowboy boots. there. i said it.

Friday, July 1, 2011

long days, short nights

i am in love with the long summer days. 9pm with sunlight reminds me of being in college, sunburned and reckless. the past few nights, i have spent the end of each day on my front porch. and it's there i have my first quiet moments. instead of diving into the next project or cleaning up, i just go outside and breathe. i need more of this in my life.

seasons and music seem to spark the most vivid memories from my past. and the combination of summer and The National seem to open a flood gate of nostalgia.

i still remember the first time i heard The National. and i often recount details from the first time i saw them perform (sometimes in routine so that i don't forget) ... we were so close. i couldn't get enough. the second time i saw them was outdoors in Chicago. and the third, pregnant with lucy. it's almost like an obsession when you begin following a band before they become really popular. you are able to stalk them in smaller venues in different cities, and their earlier albums carry a secret sense of belonging.

The National's songs pop up in my mind several times during the day, sparked by different situations or key words. Cherry Tree gets the most plays these days. early this morning as my body rejected sleep to recite lyrics ... Lucky You was on repeat. there is nothing i can do. i never thought i'd be someone who didn't like the nighttime. i would like to keep these long days and short nights for a while.

Lucky You

Every time you get a drink
And every time you go to asleep
Are those dreams inside your head
Is there sunlight on your bed
And every time you're driving home
Way outside your safety zone
Wherever you will ever be
You're never getting rid of me

You own me

There's nothing you can do
You own me

You coulda made a safer bet

But what you break is what you get
You wake up in the bed you make
I think you made a big mistake

You own me

There's nothing you can do
You own me
Lucky you

You clean yourself to meet

The man who isn't me
You're putting on a shirt
A shirt I'll never see
The letter's in your coat
But no one's in your head
Cause you're too smart to remember
You're too smart
Lucky you