let it be.

i guess i expected the turn i've been waiting for, for so long, to come in some grandiose form. i'd meet a blue-eyed stranger and fall madly in love; i would win the lottery; i'd catch a huge break; i'd be discovered; my book would write itself; one day i'd wake up and everything would be okay; or at the very least, i'd be hit by a train. but when it's all said and done, it (whatever "it" is) came when i least expected it. in fact, the turn came so fast i almost drove right over it. but for once, i didn't. 

nothing "happened" to me. there was no sonic boom or a flash of light. no one came around and became the person i wanted them to be. there was no cathartic epiphany. it was a culmination of things i have been working on for a long time. this isn't working. change. that didn't work. stop. every day, do at least one thing differently. don't sacrifice what you want in the future for something you want right now. keep doing it. then, start doing two things differently, better. and when you slip, correct it. or just let it go.

and everyday when you really try and things get worse, be thankful that at least things are changing. something is happening. on the days that things feel right, write down what you did and do more of that.

eventually, even though things aren't perfect, they start getting better. you feel better. you remember who you are. you make progress.

i know this sounds like ambiguous garble. maybe some direct application is warranted but exposing too much here seems in bad taste. and yet, when the words spill out in front of me, it helps me acknowledge patterns, mistakes, reality. and acceptance is the final stage of loss.

sure, i've pretended to accept things for a while. at times, i have even believed that i had. "things" being my life, my love, my beliefs, what i believed in my heart, my choices, my conviction. but deep down, i still thought if i just try a little bit harder, things will work out. if i am more patient, understanding, and trust, i can change reality.

i had a need to be heard. to understand. i thought, at the very least, i deserve the truth. i thought if i could just figure out what happened, or why, i could accept it. but somethings cannot be understood. i don't need to give people a chance to explain. the results are already there. does it really matter how we got here? it doesn't change anything.

sometimes when your mind is rational and logical, your heart isn't. your heart still has hope. and the scariest part of giving up on something is knowing in your mind AND in your heart that it's done.

so, here it is. the end. my heart has finally accepted reality. the reality that no matter how much you love someone, no matter if you "believe" they are the person you know they are capable of being, no matter if you give one more chance for all the right reasons, in the end, sometimes, it doesn't mean they love you. even if they say they do. even if you believe they do. even if at times, you know they have. your heart finally pulls out its little white flag and says, i give up. everything i wanted, everything i tried, everything i prayed for, everything i believed, everything i had faith in ... it finally came to a screeching halt. not a pause, not a time out, not a if-i-give-him-time-space-love-it'll-be-okay ... it just stops. because the outcome is the same. over and over again. and it's not a conscious thing. it's more of a shift of thinking. i shifted what my future looks like without "him". and then my brain and heart synced up and realized that we're going to be better than good, we haven't done anything wrong, we deserve better, and holy shit we're happy. again. and excited about the future. i can still have all the things i want. in fact, now i WILL have all the things i want.

when someone says, "i never loved you. you drove me fucking crazy and that's why i did drugs. you need help. you're a bad person." you get to stop blaming yourself, you realize that this is what i was fighting for? this is the person i gave my heart to? this is the person i want to be with? this is the person i cared for, waited for, forgave, trusted, let go because it was the best thing for him? this is the person i put before myself? this is the person i want around my daughters? no. that's when you say, okay, i'm going to digest this. thank you for your feedback. i am sorry you felt that way, i didn't realize. and you walk away. it doesn't matter if just two weeks ago he was telling you he loved you. it doesn't matter if you believed you could be a family. it doesn't matter if you opened up to him and told him your deepest fears and dreams. no amount of love letters, poems, promises or short periods of bliss you felt over the past two years, can make up for a blatant lack of respect or humility. things have changed. everything has changed but him. and oh, i don't need this shit. i don't want a family if it means being lied to, cheated on, used, or ignored. i don't want to even be friends with a person who treats me that poorly. i've said some mean things, i've gotten angry, but i didn't do anything but give you love, chances, and forgiveness. oh, and the opportunity to show me over and over again how little you care about me. 

i am closer than ever to being back to my true self. this time, i saw the signs and instead of diving in blindly or playing into the same old bullshit and drama, i changed my behaviors. i called my friends and family. i did what i said i was going to do. i asked for help. i reflected. and then, i saw things objectively and from a different perspective. and i am so thankful that i didn't get what i thought i wanted. because i have what i want. and i know why i feel the way i do. and i know i've been honest. i know i won't regret forgiving too many times. i know i won't regret making myself vulnerable. i know i won't regret trying. i don't even regret trusting. i didn't fail. i know i can look at my baby every single day and know that in the end, we got what we need and deserve and want. and every single day i choose my life and create my happiness.

the pain and hurt doesn't go away overnight, but it teaches you about yourself. it's not about him or her. or them. or drugs. or anything i did. it's about how things always end. 

and now, it's about me. and the reason that things are the way they are, is because i won't settle for something that i know isn't right. i won't allow dysfunction and heartache in my life. i won't let the cycle continue. from the greatest pain comes the greatest growth. and i have not done anything wrong. i haven't "made" anyone do drugs. i am not a bad person. i am an amazing mother. i have worked my ass off to provide for my girls. i have gone without power, food, love, and sleep to make sure that my girls have consistency, security, trust, and all of me.

i finally see things and people for who they really are. and i stand by my choices. i have been honest. i haven't used people as a means. i haven't taken anything away from anyone. i have done what i believe is right. the only responsibility i have is to take care of, provide for, and love my girls. and that's what i've always done and what i will continue to do. and that responsibility and maternal instinct comes above any selfish delusion of "what could have been." 

without even realizing it, every time i let go, i was making room for better things. and now, i've reached a place where i see a totally different future. and it's a really good one. i didn't need a distraction, a new boyfriend, more money, or an excuse to get to this point. i don't need anyone to blame. i just needed time. i needed help from others who really love me. i needed small successes. i needed reminders of who i am. i needed great advice and clarity. i needed time alone to figure it out. and maybe i even needed the "fuck you" and "eat a di*k" and "she's a c**t" to realize exactly what i DON'T need. 

it doesn't make me weak or selfish because i loved someone. it doesn't make me crazy because i got angry when someone lied to me or cheated on me. it makes me human. and that's who i am. i won't apologize for that. and i am so blessed with unconditional love from so many people. i owe it to everyone who sees me as the person i am capable of being, to be that person. and this week ... was brutal. but we made it happen. and by we, well, you know who you are. i am exactly where i am supposed to be. 

30 Things: Day 22

remember this? well, i never!

indeed. some of my associates may say i never finish what i start. okay. accepted. but never? i may not always finish first, but dammit! i finish! and so. here we go. 22 coming in hot.

what makes you different from everyone else

nothing.

wait, what?

most of us are more alike than we think. we may not look the same, talk the same, or act the same, but we all want to be happy, to be loved, and to make a difference.

it's time that i start making a difference by doing. if i think politics are lame because they divide people, i shouldn't be engaging in political arguments. and i don't. anymore. not because i don't care, i just don't think i can talk about peace while yelling and spitting at Republicans. i'll vote. silently. i'll volunteer again. one day. but the belligerent debates. blah.

because i believe that i "deserve" respect, i need to respect myself and others at all times. not easy to do. this is a real challenge. i mean, i'm exhausted just thinking about it. i have to get in the mindset of, "okay, i don't feel like respecting this person, but i respect myself enough to not disrespect her." if that makes sense. to me it does. show me the same respect i show you? maybe. but maybe not. maybe not. maybe that's the problem. everyone being shitty to everyone being shitty right back.

pause. be grateful. breathe. be yourself. respect yourself. accept yourself. be graceful. love. be loved. take time. go to bed early. stay up late. sleep in. notice the details. speak the truth, when appropriate. let go. be brave. be alone. get married. take compliments. consider criticism. give credit. enjoy your family, when possible. laugh. admit you're scared. hold hands. be true. smile at children, of all ages. pray. read. eat. drink. smoke 'em if you got 'em. forget. deserve respect. accept help. serve others. be gentle. remember. cry. love your babies. make mistakes. try new things. practice. look into some one's eyes. allow yourself to be happy. get worked up. run fast. fall hard. get back up. try again.

and in the depths of your despair ... remember you are no different than everyone else. and that's a good thing. for once.

everyday lies

no human is immune to dishonesty. on some level, we all do it. recently i was asked if there were varying degrees of dishonesty and i have spent some time thinking about that.

yes, there are. i believe there are, anyway.

if someone asks me if i am fine when i am not and i say, "yes." it's a form of dishonesty. my motive? to simply move on about my business and not worry or intrigue the other person. there is no real personal interest in ordinary context. it's a formality. it's a instance of personal privacy.

on the other hand, if someone asks me if i went to the park and i say "no" despite having been at the park... i am upping the stakes. my motive? depending on the person, i want them to "think" a certain way. no i wasn't at the park, i was being miserable. no i wasn't at the park because i told you i was doing something else. i have a selfish interest. not acceptable but not the end of the world. i could have said "no i wasn't at the park because i told you i was going to be somewhere else and that would make you lose trust in me." perhaps true but still not entirely true. go down another level. maybe: "yes. i went to the park. i know i told you i was going to help you move but i just really didn't want to."

lies are complex.

and just as these the above examples vary in degree, so do the substaintally important ones--like the real answers to the following questions:

"did you go to school today?"
"are you seeing someone else?"
"did you take the money out of my wallet?"
"where have you been?"

depending on the who and the who, these can cause some serious pain to the person asking the question and the person receiving the answer. a parent, a lover, a friend, a spouse. depending on the circumstances, promises, relationship, and answers... the dishonest answers definitely constitute a higher degree of a 'lie.' because it takes dishonesty to first, steal the money. and another degree to lie about it.

a liar can debate his or her side for hours. i didn't tell you because i thought it would hurt you. i think that is the greatest lie ever told. if you are so selective--so precise--in just your thinking about others, perhaps you should use that discipline in your actions. if you KNOW something is going to hurt someone, the lie is just another tool used to hurt them. by telling the truth, it at least demonstrates a level of respect.

i believe in people. some say maybe too much. not because i'm a good person, maybe i'm the most deceitful of all. i believe in people because i want them to believe in me. i want them to know that if i have lied before, i am not going to do it again. and that most of my trust is still in tact, that 99% of the time, i tell the truth. and that 99% of the past, i've told the truth. and that makes me who i am and also makes me value that quality in others.

i've told terrible lies before for one reason or another. were my intentions always good? absolutely not. was i looking out for the other person? sometimes? was i looking out for myself? all the time. we have you on camera, stealing the eyeliner. no, not me. maybe i was hell bent on not being wrong in another's eyes; to me that was good. or terrified that i was going to be physically hurt. but i know, as an adult, when it comes to love, parenting, family, friends and trust, you gotta dig deep. those people are going to love you no matter what. but whether they respect you, trust you, continue to have a relationship with you, is another.

you know what's right. do what's right. or try. or try to make up for it.

you shouldn't be so careless with others' feelings.

i am saying these things to myself. if our intentions and motives change so easily, maybe we don't know who we are or what we want. i am fortunate enough to have close enough relationships that people will look me in the eye and say, "this isn't you." i have daughters that are watching me as an example so i have to be diligent in my quest to be better. the worst thing i could ever lose is their trust. we all make mistakes. i expect the truth so i should deliver it under the most critical circumstances.

will i go around telling everyone who asks me if i am fine that no, i am not? that i am falling apart? no. will i expect those who love me to stand by me while i shatter into a billion pieces again? no. i will not. because they have done it before and i know better. i know they are there for me. i know there are ways to never go back to that place. i hope that others can see that i am on the other side of that, too. that i am okay with the truth. that i would rather gulp down 500 gallons of the bitter truth than enjoy one million swallows of the sweetest lie. because in the end, there is truth in being human. there is truth in our flaws and forgiveness. there is also something about being a person that won't accept anything less than the truth. acceptance isn't always delivered in the form of love. sometimes it is delivered in the form of sadness, regret, distance, and pain. but it's the truth. the broken-down, raw, i-was-careless-with-your-feelings truth. and i accept whatever my consequences are. i did this.

the truth wasn't ever promised to always be pretty, or have some redeeming outcome or reward like they show in the movies, but there is something beautiful about setting the truth free.

polonius told his son, 'above all, to thine own self be true... ' am i foolish enough to assume that polonius had never been untrue? maybe he was the biggest liar and that's how he knows. and he wants better for his son. he wants his son to do/be better. even if he starts today. it is never too late. people who lie aren't selfish. they are probably in a lot of pain. being honest is the best thing you can give YOURSELF. being honest is the ultimate form of self-love. we do not have to live with those that tells us lies; they are the ones that have to face themselves. they are not damaging us, they are damaging themselves.

if you walk away, i'll walk away.
just tell me which road i should take.
i don't want to risk our paths crossing someday.
so you walk that way. i'll walk this way.
- bright eyes

this is all a matter of interpretation. i am not judging or saying, well, anything. i am just thinking. i don't even know that i agree that the truth is always the best answer. especially ones from the past that make us who we are and what we value. quite contrary. i am saying, start today, self. start being the person you are. that you were born to be. that you want others to see. you've made more mistakes than you can possibly count. stop. and from now on, each decision, each action ... do right. forgive yourself for the past and make the best of what's next. you fucked up. again. so now, start with the smallest thing and go from there.


 and then you are being true. to you.


that's more selfish than any lie i've ever told.

i made this bed.

the nights have turned colder. there is a distinct chill in the air. in my bones.
if i had my way, i'd be somewhere warm heading into the cooler season instead of bracing myself for what i expect to be a miserably cold winter.
everything in the world seems so fragile, so volatile. but there is something about the human spirit in soul wrenching pain that makes me thankful. i am feeling anything but numb. and that's the good and bad news.

my grandma is worn out. she just looks at me and says, "life's a bitch." and how.

all in one day, lucy managed to not only snatch a small turd from her diaper, but smear what she didn't eat on my laptop as i took out the garbage. i got a notice that my power was going to be shut off. my rent is past due. there is no food in the house. i've developed a rash on my forehead. i'm missing an eyebrow. my hair is short again and continues to get shorter after a small mishap with chemicals. i was publicly humiliated on facebook by my mother. i have no time to sleep. my current salary ends up being about $5 an hour when i calculate it. my checking account is $200 overdrawn. i've adopted a steady diet of cheap vodka and cigarettes. i want to kick someone in the crotch just because.

oh poor sky. don't cry on me. did someone break your heart again?


i put gas in the loaner car i have been driving with three dollars in quarters. which isn't even a gallon. the same car that has a driver side door that could fly open at anytime ... and does. i pretended not to be hurt when my mom made plans with me and slept through them. again. i don't have a fantasy football team. i don't even know what is going on with football. i am like a cavewoman. i don't know exactly what is going on except that we're all alone in this together.*

and a perfectly shitty day can be completely okay when you get a random text from a friend that says, "Uh I think my roommate is smoking in her room and burning toast to cover it up. Have you ever heard of that?" or when my sister takes time after working a double to say, "you have nothing to be ashamed of. i love you." or when i know i can call a friend and say my power is turned off and within two minutes he's gone online and paid it. or when that stupid effing charcoal canister is finally replaced on my 4runner and it has passed emissions after being unregistered since january because the part cost $900 alone.

now, love, where have you been?


when The Teenager was younger (like ten years ago), things were hard. i was working full time and going to school at night. when i look back on those days, i don't remember the hard times. i remember the results. i know that i am going to tank for a little while longer but as long as i keep things in perspective, remember how blessed i am, know that people love me from afar, and that i have to keep putting on my game face for my girls, i'll be okay. i have so many things to look forward to.

like drinking jameson with bethie and kelly.
like seeing my nephew max.
or meeting my new nephew this fall.
watching The Teenager cheerlead and sign up for driver's ed.
like waking up to lucy's goofy smile every day.
like hanging out with my stinky-footed nieces.
or finally catching that big break where i say, ooooh now i see.
like paying back everyone who has helped me.
or listening to my grandma talk about wooden pennies.
like publishing my first book.

oh poor sky, don't cry on me. are you going to fall apart again?


i am ready. i am wrong. i am a grown up. i am going to be better than good. this ship is just really big and it's taking a long time to turn it around.

my head plays it over and over.
don't interrupt me.

i get another chance today to be the person i want to be; the person i know i am. i'll probably screw it up but at least i have another day to try not to.

*thanks julie andrews!

craptastic

sometimes i get to the point where i, selfishly, blurt out whatever i'm thinking. i guess you could say i have the "fight or flight" syndrome. i have a really strong physical reaction to things that happen in my life and i demand resolution NOW. recently i've tried a few new tactics like writing "STOP" on one hand and "THINK" on the other. or i'll sleep on a decision or impulse. or i'll walk out of a room. i have a close friend who was telling me about her 6-year-old daughter and how they were dealing with her behavioral problems (which i find adorable, by the way). the techniques I had tried were very similar to the ones my friend had been taught by behavioral experts at the University of Utah.

what is wrong with me?

i internalize things to the point that i can't sleep or focus. i worry about things that are totally irrelevant. i may even be (gasp) obsessing. people accuse me of being dramatic and i think i might be. but why? i don't want to be. i'm exhausted. 

i think i need a vacation. maybe a mini one. i would go camping or up in the mountains for a day. (let's be realistic, i can't go longer than about 4 hours without my girls.) i just need to clear my head. get outside of my head. i need a good laugh or a facial.

i'm over thinking things way too much. and it causes problems. like ulcers, migraines, cold sores, canker sores, eye rashes ... and don't get me started about how i waxed an entire eye brow off. and now, i'm being told that stress is possibly throwing off my ph balance and may result in having to cut off about 5 inches of my hair. it's hard to say. and it's boring. i'm just a small town girl living in a lonely world, i wanna take a midnight train going anywhere.

the obvious answer is headphones and bed. music is always the perfect distraction. tomorrow i will feel better. i guess i am glad that i have emotions. feelings. passion. conviction. even if i'm wrong. i won't stop believing. i'm going to hold on to the feeling.

Once Upon A Time

i think it was his smile that made me fall in love with him. from the first time i met him, he was happy, unassuming, and sweet ... just up the stairs. we had a sleepover on the floor as a matter of happenstance. we were just friends. then ten years later on a cold october night i saw his smile -- crooked yet familiar -- and the clothes of a priest as he walked towards me. for the rest of the night i leaned against the wall and listened to him talk. i gazed into his big, beautiful eyes. i felt so tiny. his cheeks were rosy from the cold. i wanted to throw my arms around him and never let go. it felt like i had been expecting him to arrive like a child waiting for her parent to pick her up from the airport. or almost like we had made a secret pact to meet there on that night ten years ago. if we had only known. maybe we did? the problems were enourmous. somedays we were lucky to survive. we tried. and yet sadly, less than two years later, his smile has faded and there is no resemblance of kindness or regard for me. in fact i don't remember what his smile looks like. only his eyes are vaguely familiar, hauntingly so, piercing into me like a knife in my back. these are the same eyes that told me the truth when his mouth could only tell lies. once illuminated with love and hope, they have become shallow and dim. it will be his eyes i feel for the rest of my life. eyes full of sadness and things left unsaid. eyes full of disappointment. choices. broken promises. and every morning when i wake up and look into the hopeful eyes of our daughter, it will be his eyes i see. 

BURN

what a month it's been. if you are familiar with the "old" me, you might appreciate this. or you might not. but i have learned a lot about myself in a very short time. it's the same old story with me over and over again. but i am me. take it or leave it. ups and downs are part of life and sometimes you keep getting knocked down and it takes 7000 reasons to finally try something new. and it's hell. and you fucking hate it. but you do it. and then you realize that you have finally embraced your life.

i believe that taking chances is better than settling.
i believe that i may have given my daughters life, but they are the ones who truly give me life. everyday.
i believe that bf/gf relationships are painful and temporary. just like a great bikini wax.
i believe that having a cigarette on your porch is better than punching someone in the face.
i believe that it's probably best not to look for trouble. it will find you.
i believe in sticking to my guns. and when the perfect time comes. once in awhile. even though it is hard as shit. laying them down and walking away. waiting to feel the bullet in your back.
i believe in taking my grandma to the doctor even when i'm busy.
i believe in honesty. no matter how bad it sucks.
i believe in loving your family, and letting them love you.
i believe in falling fast and hard. and falling hard is not awesome. but it's a new start.
i believe that doing the right thing is not fun. and it doesn't pay off. and it makes you mad. but it's the right thing. so do it. do what you say you're going to do.
i believe that my grandpa answered my prayers this month.
i believe that people believe what they want to believe.
i believe in forgiving yourself. and others. and then yourself for forgiving others. and repeat.

i believe that you should go with your gut. it is never wrong.

i believe in loving myself first and taking care of myself. and that the Rolling Stones did make great music. i just didn't need it until now.

i believe that surrounding myself with positive energy and the right people is exactly what i need.

for the first time, i have forced myself to step back. walk away. lay down my guns. and let go. just walk away. take some time. this is something i usually don't like or appreciate when others do, but this time it feels good. i might live a little bit crazy. i'm not perfect. it just seems like a little bit crazy is better than being exhaustingly predictable.

all this shitty ridiculous running to stand still livin' is over. i'm me. 


and i'm the best i've ever been.