forgive me if i repeat myself, this bloggerrhea has been going on for
five and a half years. i am sure this is not the first time i am
repeating exactly the same thing, or that i have contradicted something
i've written. but i have a little secret for you: people change.
opinions, perceptions, beliefs change over time. we grow up, experience
more. we change. and that's okay. as long as you really believe in
something ... right now, today... i don't care what you decide tomorrow.
some people never change. those are the super old dudes at the gym who
still think they "got it". the ones that spend no time with their
families and go get a beer. they never grow up or change. they rot.
i digress. shocker.
you'll
find that in my darkest hours, there is writing. it's my vice. not to
say i have hit rock bottom. no, there is still plenty of light, and
plenty of other horrible things that could easily happen, but no. we're
close. heartbroken. devastated. hopeless, even.
but
writing helps me work stuff out. i write for me, particularly during bad
times to get my mind right. release the nonsense so i can move on. it's
nothing grand and i will no longer allow my fingers to use letters to
puke out feel good shit like, "This is will all make sense one day," or
"This is just one snag. You'll be great." I used to like those quotes.
Now, today, I am changing my stance on both.
This will all make sense one day.
people usually say this during times of crisis or when people are
having horrible bad luck, and it's a lot of darkness and tears and
usually, loss. It won't ever make sense. But it does become part of you
and the person you become, how you approach the world. You'll be great.
Dismissing our weakest moments is not okay.
I think in
my very naive view of the world, I believed all those douchers that told
me that. I just keep waiting. But fuck it! I don't think anything is
going to make sense. ever. and how could it possibly, and why would it?
and why didn't i have a brain to dismiss this bullshit theory to cope
sooner? terrible, wonderful, tragic, amazing moments won't just make
sense one day. why spend your life trying to figure it out? what does this all mean? oooh...
it doesn't mean shit. it means you have some bad ass luck and you're a
terrible judge of character. or you are an unbelievable person 90% of
the time, so this 10% dick mode you have, we're going to treat you as
unbelievable. but there is no crazy, mathematical equation you'll solve
one day. a nervous break down can't be an integer that is the missing on
the axis to complete the parabola.