let me in.
no.
let me in.
nooo.
it's me. old age. creeping in. you let me in!
Corduroy
by Pearl Jam
The waiting drove me mad... you're finally here and I'm a mess
I take your entrance back... can't let you roam inside my head
I don't want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
I would rather run but I can't walk...
Guess I'll lie alone just like before...
I'll take the varmint's path...
oh, and I must refuse your test
A-push me and I will resist...
this behavior's not unique
I don't want to hear from those who know...
They can buy, but can't put on my clothes...
I don't want to limp for them to walk...
Never would have known of me before...
I don't want to be held in your debt...
I'll pay it off in blood, let I be wed...
I'm already cut up and half dead...
I'll end up alone like I began...
Everything has chains...
absolutely nothing's changed
"Take my hand, not my picture," spelled my T-shirt
I don't want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your breast...
All the things that others want for me...
Can't buy what I want because it's free...
Can't buy what I want because it's free...
Can't be what you want because I'm...
Why ain't it sposed to be just fun
Oh, to live and die, let it be done
I figure I'll be damned, all alone like I began...
It's your move now...
I thought you were a friend, but I guess I, I guess I hate you..
Monday, February 6, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
hell hath frozen over
2012 is definitely a New Year.
it is a good year. a better year.
it has already been a year of many firsts.
(so what if it's only been a month! cut me some slack.)
first time i've had resolutions and stuck to them. first year i've been easier on myself. first time i've dated a "nice" guy. first time i've been dumped. first time i've rocked a mullet. first year i've been real about stuff. first year i've loved cooking. first year i've considered botox. first time i've been this awesome.
from that list, the cooking part probably shocks us all the most.
i have cooked and actually really loved it. and loved what i've made. and others have loved what i've made. (well, one little lady did gag on my crock pot creation but ... )
on that note, here is what's up for Super Bowl Sunday and reason number 101 i'm excited for the game.
stuffed mushrooms
boneless chicken wings
sliders
seven-layer dips
homemade alfredo
parmesan garlic bread balls
Coctel de Camarones con Salsa Tomatillo
oh hell, just look here if you need the details.
the point of it all is simply that you should never say never. i am not really sure what sparked this newfound love, oh wait, yes, it was the vodka gummy bears recipe i found ... that's exactly where it all started. nevertheless, it's just really something!
last night, The Teenager actually said, "ugh, i've got to leave the kitchen. i'm starving and everything smells so good!"
who knows? maybe the Mayans are right after all.
it is a good year. a better year.
it has already been a year of many firsts.
(so what if it's only been a month! cut me some slack.)
first time i've had resolutions and stuck to them. first year i've been easier on myself. first time i've dated a "nice" guy. first time i've been dumped. first time i've rocked a mullet. first year i've been real about stuff. first year i've loved cooking. first year i've considered botox. first time i've been this awesome.
from that list, the cooking part probably shocks us all the most.
i have cooked and actually really loved it. and loved what i've made. and others have loved what i've made. (well, one little lady did gag on my crock pot creation but ... )
on that note, here is what's up for Super Bowl Sunday and reason number 101 i'm excited for the game.
stuffed mushrooms
boneless chicken wings
sliders
seven-layer dips
homemade alfredo
parmesan garlic bread balls
Coctel de Camarones con Salsa Tomatillo
oh hell, just look here if you need the details.
the point of it all is simply that you should never say never. i am not really sure what sparked this newfound love, oh wait, yes, it was the vodka gummy bears recipe i found ... that's exactly where it all started. nevertheless, it's just really something!
last night, The Teenager actually said, "ugh, i've got to leave the kitchen. i'm starving and everything smells so good!"
who knows? maybe the Mayans are right after all.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
math is more fun than ben
staying consistent with my lofty goals for 2012, i pledge to blog only about all things bright, new, and shiny. and serious. new, important things that will provide insight for all of mankind. topics dedicated to a cause. things i believe in. words formed together in sentences to make the world a better place.
to that end, i would like to talk about this travesty: The Bachelor.
holy jesus.
undoubtedly the biggest waste of time this year was the one hour or so i spent watching this week's episode. clearly people have lost their damned minds. this show, or at least this season of the show, is just unbelievably lame. this show -- "this show" being The Bachelor -- well, anyone contributing to it should be ashamed for using electricity (even solar-powered electricity ) to produce it. i know it isn't intended to be a psychological thriller or hard hitting documentary, but what? The Bachelor has no entertainment value whatsoever.
in all truthfulness, i am pretty sure i enjoyed the show (it's hard for me to even type the name, it is) a few years ago when it was somewhat interesting. i mean, don't get me wrong, it's no Temptation Island but even i enjoy mindless entertainment from time to time. anydamnway, i knew someone who was purportedly on it this season so innocently enough, i decided to DVR it. i sure did. fortunately (for her) she is not around on the episode i caught; apparently she escaped the possibility of becoming Bachelor Ben's future bride earlier in the season. unfortunately (for me) it was painful to watch.
first of all, this Ben guy? he's a complete dipshit.
question: does he always look this confused?
answer: yes.
question: is it annoying?
answer: yes.
in real life, this guy probably can't get one date. now he has sixteen or so crying about how they have "fallen for him" every night. that's totally real. and he has no redeeming qualities. he's not cute, he's not charismatic, he's not especially intelligent, and he's not funny, quirky, or tall. and of course he falls for the biggest skank in the group: some bitchy model who has an "f-list" of the girls she hates. it's almost like a G-rated version of Rock of Love without Bret Michaels, bandannas, or interesting females. no creepy eyeliner. no barfing at the dinner table. nothing. just nothing.
how does this happen? how does every girl fall in love with Ben? where do all the rejected girls come up with those tears? how is it that none of them have ever donkey punched the bitchy model? how do they find sponsors to keep this show on air? maybe that's why Ben looks confused all the time ... maybe he's just enjoying the free booze and getting some ass. because he can. why not? good for you.
i kept waiting. i kept waiting for it to get more interesting. and it just didn't. all i wanted was one girl to say, yeah, i don't see it. i don't have feelings for him. no matter how much i drink, or even, shit! ANOTHER cold sore?pass the Valtrex.
there is no depth to the souls of these people. no real conversations. nothing that isn't completely expected or superficial or stupid. no crazy saxophone player or ventriloquist. it's just horrifically dull.
huh. so this is what happens on the first day of being unemployed? terrifying.
Monday, January 23, 2012
The Need to Know
one of my goals over the past couple of months was to let go of my incessant need to know. i have always been compelled to seek the reasons for, or truth about, motives, events, or actions of people. not because i want a juicy scoop or to validate myself, but just to understand shit.
i consider myself an understanding person, forgiving to a fault, so it makes me curious when people keep things from me. maybe i see myself as something i'm not? maybe i'm not approachable. maybe i over-react and people would rather avoid a conversation with me altogether because they think i'm going to unleash on them.
this innate need to know, well, it's not a bad trait to have when doing market research or making a decision about having a body part removed. it can be helpful when negotiating business deals. but i am not naturally inclined to explore the deep, dark truth behind the reason the SEC eliminated and then reinstated the uptick rule. i don't even care what was in the 50 cinnamon gummy hearts i just ate.
my curiosity is obviously romanticism-based; i'm not always searching for logic or absolute realism.
for example, i'd like to know why out of five siblings, i am the only one who doesn't need glasses or contacts. and i am not talking about understanding the genetic probability (it's 75% if both parents carry the gene) or the implications of refractive errors -- i want to know whether my parents ate something weird on the night i was conceived; if it's because no one pointed a flashlight directly into my eyes when i was little; if all my kin masturbated too much; if my sister knocked my occipital lobe into overdrive when we cracked skulls that one time ... i am not complaining, i don't want corrective lenses. it's just interesting to me.
anyway, i digress. often people perceive my need to know as my need to be right. this is the biggest misconception people have about me. i don't need to be right nor do i need scientific evidence about something. i just need to know intention and thought-processes. in fact, a lot of times, i would prefer to be wrong about questions i have or the motives of others. i often hope i am not right. others perceive my need to know as annoying or skeptical, or they think i am going to use the information against them in some way. not true either. well, why? why do you want to know? because. i want to know. why do you ask? because i'm curious. why not?
maybe my need to know has spilled over into the unhealthy category because sometimes i obsess about why mentally ill people or sociopaths do crazy things. there is no explanation, outside of a neurological defect or diagnosis that i am not qualified to understand. still, i wonder. what are they thinking? when did they start thinking that way? did they know they were going crazy?
i wish i could dismiss instead of analyze but more often than not, it's because i have a physical reaction about something that catapults my brain into a spinning top. i am driven by intuition and physical sensations that result in my search for some kind of answer or resolution. i've always just considered it a "gut feeling" or a "vibe." and it's not a bad thing. sometimes acting on these feelings result in great things. other times, i wish i would have acted on them instead of suppressing them.
i want to learn new things, i want to see things from a new perspective, i want to understand, i want to know if people think the same way i do, i want to know if it's normal, i want to know why some people are detached, i want to know why some people find peace, i need to know why i interpret things completely opposite than others. that's it. is that the kind of curiosity that killed the cat? ok, so maybe i don't need to know why Tim Tebow thinks it's okay to have a giant head, wear terrible fashion, and brag about why Jesus loves him so much more than everyone else. i can accept that i'll never understand him.
i guess i can tone it down and at least focus my interest on situations that are a good use of my energy or can benefit someone. i'll try. but i still believe that there is credence in the saying, the truth will set you free. or maybe that's a big fat lie and i've been chasing after something that doesn't even really exist. i mean, the truth changes every second. what was true yesterday isn't necessarily true today. so maybe there is no truth. why do people believe that? and is it okay for them ... ah. shoot. man, old habits die hard.
i consider myself an understanding person, forgiving to a fault, so it makes me curious when people keep things from me. maybe i see myself as something i'm not? maybe i'm not approachable. maybe i over-react and people would rather avoid a conversation with me altogether because they think i'm going to unleash on them.
this innate need to know, well, it's not a bad trait to have when doing market research or making a decision about having a body part removed. it can be helpful when negotiating business deals. but i am not naturally inclined to explore the deep, dark truth behind the reason the SEC eliminated and then reinstated the uptick rule. i don't even care what was in the 50 cinnamon gummy hearts i just ate.
my curiosity is obviously romanticism-based; i'm not always searching for logic or absolute realism.
for example, i'd like to know why out of five siblings, i am the only one who doesn't need glasses or contacts. and i am not talking about understanding the genetic probability (it's 75% if both parents carry the gene) or the implications of refractive errors -- i want to know whether my parents ate something weird on the night i was conceived; if it's because no one pointed a flashlight directly into my eyes when i was little; if all my kin masturbated too much; if my sister knocked my occipital lobe into overdrive when we cracked skulls that one time ... i am not complaining, i don't want corrective lenses. it's just interesting to me.
anyway, i digress. often people perceive my need to know as my need to be right. this is the biggest misconception people have about me. i don't need to be right nor do i need scientific evidence about something. i just need to know intention and thought-processes. in fact, a lot of times, i would prefer to be wrong about questions i have or the motives of others. i often hope i am not right. others perceive my need to know as annoying or skeptical, or they think i am going to use the information against them in some way. not true either. well, why? why do you want to know? because. i want to know. why do you ask? because i'm curious. why not?
maybe my need to know has spilled over into the unhealthy category because sometimes i obsess about why mentally ill people or sociopaths do crazy things. there is no explanation, outside of a neurological defect or diagnosis that i am not qualified to understand. still, i wonder. what are they thinking? when did they start thinking that way? did they know they were going crazy?
i wish i could dismiss instead of analyze but more often than not, it's because i have a physical reaction about something that catapults my brain into a spinning top. i am driven by intuition and physical sensations that result in my search for some kind of answer or resolution. i've always just considered it a "gut feeling" or a "vibe." and it's not a bad thing. sometimes acting on these feelings result in great things. other times, i wish i would have acted on them instead of suppressing them.
i want to learn new things, i want to see things from a new perspective, i want to understand, i want to know if people think the same way i do, i want to know if it's normal, i want to know why some people are detached, i want to know why some people find peace, i need to know why i interpret things completely opposite than others. that's it. is that the kind of curiosity that killed the cat? ok, so maybe i don't need to know why Tim Tebow thinks it's okay to have a giant head, wear terrible fashion, and brag about why Jesus loves him so much more than everyone else. i can accept that i'll never understand him.
i guess i can tone it down and at least focus my interest on situations that are a good use of my energy or can benefit someone. i'll try. but i still believe that there is credence in the saying, the truth will set you free. or maybe that's a big fat lie and i've been chasing after something that doesn't even really exist. i mean, the truth changes every second. what was true yesterday isn't necessarily true today. so maybe there is no truth. why do people believe that? and is it okay for them ... ah. shoot. man, old habits die hard.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
2012 coming in hot!
best text messaging this year. maybe ever.
Dear carly,
Are you alive?
Dear Bethie,
I am alive.
Let's jive.
Happy New Year.
How's your beaver?
Xoxo
Carlos
Would love to jive
Happy new year back
I hear you have a new rack
beaver appears dead
Xoxo, Bethy
Dear carly,
Are you alive?
Dear Bethie,
I am alive.
Let's jive.
Happy New Year.
How's your beaver?
Xoxo
Carlos
Would love to jive
Happy new year back
I hear you have a new rack
beaver appears dead
Xoxo, Bethy
Saturday, December 31, 2011
30 Things: Day 30
your favorite song
"Given to Fly" by Pearl Jam
He could've tuned in, tuned in
But he tuned out
A bad time, nothing could save him
Alone in a corridor, waiting, locked out
He got up outta there, ran for hundreds of miles
He made it to the ocean, had a smoke in a tree
The wind rose up, set him down on his knee
A wave came crashing like a fist to the jaw
Delivered him wings, "Hey, look at me now"
Arms wide open with the sea as his floor
Oh, power, oh
He's.. flying
Whole
High.. wide, oh
He floated back down 'cause he wanted to share
His key to the locks on the chains he saw everywhere
But first he was stripped and then he was stabbed
By faceless men, well, fuckers
He still stands
And he still gives his love, he just gives it away
The love he receives is the love that is saved
And sometimes is seen a strange spot in the sky
A human being that was given to fly
High.. flying
Oh, oh
High.. flying
Oh, oh
He's flying
Oh, oh
"Given to Fly" by Pearl Jam
He could've tuned in, tuned in
But he tuned out
A bad time, nothing could save him
Alone in a corridor, waiting, locked out
He got up outta there, ran for hundreds of miles
He made it to the ocean, had a smoke in a tree
The wind rose up, set him down on his knee
A wave came crashing like a fist to the jaw
Delivered him wings, "Hey, look at me now"
Arms wide open with the sea as his floor
Oh, power, oh
He's.. flying
Whole
High.. wide, oh
He floated back down 'cause he wanted to share
His key to the locks on the chains he saw everywhere
But first he was stripped and then he was stabbed
By faceless men, well, fuckers
He still stands
And he still gives his love, he just gives it away
The love he receives is the love that is saved
And sometimes is seen a strange spot in the sky
A human being that was given to fly
High.. flying
Oh, oh
High.. flying
Oh, oh
He's flying
Oh, oh
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