May Cupcakes

May has been sprinkled with every color of candy sugar available.

The stomach flu tore through the house making Chloe deathly ill for 18 hours and then hitting me for about 36 hours. The flu and heartbreak of The Boy moving to Alaska were followed by good things like Mother's Day, eight blissful days in Mexico, seeing The National in San Diego, Chloe successfully completing her first year of Junior High, close friends graduating with master's degrees, and the purchase of several new records. The yucky flavors of candy sprinkles were things like an influx of unexpected bills, a flat tire, falling down the stairs (don't ask), real snow storms in Utah, failed interventions, trying to keep up with work, and intolerable frustration.

I am working on three things: patience, forgiveness, and balance. It sounds easier than it is. There are brief moments when I believe everything is going to work out and then there are moments when I know nothing is going to work out unless I go somewhere far, far away. People add complexity. People in close proximity add dysfunctional complexity. I want to run.

Things I know for sure:

1. I need to move. Soon. If I want to be happy and achieve true balance, moving needs to be my top priority.

2. Typically, people over 50 aren't going to change nor do they want to be forgiven. This is fine until it starts negatively impacting others on a daily basis. The only thing that I can change is to remove myself from the situation. Realizing this and doing it are two different things. The latter being the hardest.

3. I am good at forgiving. Sometimes it just takes space and time. And sometimes I need to forgive not only those who ask, but those who don't.

There is a lot of work to be done here. Too much. A whole new chapter and way of being awaits. I wish there was a set of instructions attached.

i'm the luckiest girl in the world

who says i don't deserve Prada on mother's day?

and who says i can't leave the country for 8 days?

nobody.

that's who.

this vacation couldn't come at a better time.

i am ready. sooooo ready.

goodbye normal life ... please be more awesome when i see you again.

Cinco de Mayo!

Remember last year's Cinco de Mayo? Yea, me neither.

Today I trolled around town looking for my Fantasma but he didn't appear. I thought this year perhaps he would come in the form of a rodent or an ice cube ... but he has not shown up yet. Maybe he is a city ghost. Maybe the country is too remote for even a spirit.

My sister and Brett hosted a pretty awesome Cinco de Mayo party. I made an appearance and enjoyed a fresh, delicious pina colada. I was really impressed with the margarita jello shots, Patron, Corona, Dos Equis, bean dip, kabobs, and other traditional favors. I didn't stay long enough to see the destruction of the pinatas but I can't wait to hear the stories. They even had a cotton candy machine. Awesome!

I am pretty sure Cinco de Mayo is one of my favorite holidays. There is nothing about it that I don't love. Now, I will sleep in hopes that my Fantasma de Phyllis Diller comes to me in my dreams. I sure do miss that creep.

Poison in a pretty glass.

I would like to be on the committee that is publishing the next edition of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Because I don't think the words I need have been invented yet. The reason I say this is because I am sitting here with so many things I need to express but simply cannot come up with anything to write. And it's not a case of writer's block nor is it due to a lack of focus or clarity. I am just at a loss for words.

I'm ... looking ... for ... a ... word ... that ... means ...

I-know-this-sounds-crazy-but-it-really-isn't-I-am-the-sum-of-all-the-moments-of-my-life-and-I-know-what-I-want-and-I-even-know-what-I-need-but-it-may-not-exist-and-yet-neither-did-Maple-Blondie-ice-cream-but-Ben-and-Jerry-created-it-and-it's-absolutely-scrumptious-and-it's-the-sum-of-many-parts-too-so-it's-plausible-that-I-can-create-what-I-want-if-I-find-the-right-combination-of-ingredients-like-the-perfect-martini-and-sometimes-that-means-being-alone-even-if-you-love-everyone-around-you-because-you-need-to-find-the-answers-by-yourself-first-which-shouldn't-be-seen-as-a-negative-because-all-we-have-is-time-and-Thomas-Edison-created-the-light-bulb-but-also-the-record-player-which-to-me-is-more-important-and-he-needed-time-alone-and-to-think-things-through-and-I-am-not-inspired-or-seeking-something-great-nor-do-I-want-to-invent-anything-but-I-am-extremely-frustrated-and-unhappy-and-so-perhaps-I-don't-need-to-find-a-combination-that-I-can-unlock-but-instead-maybe-I-need-the-person-that-has-the-key-to-my-lock-to-find-me.

I vividly remember the morning I woke up and realized that my parents weren't omniscient. And from that moment my life changed. Part of me was sad and part of me was relieved. From that day on, I began writing my own history and learning things for myself -- and usually the hard way. But it was better than just thinking something was true because "they" said so. The same kind of enlightenment happened when my parents got divorced after 25 years of marriage. It changed every idea I had about marriage, relationships, and family. And now, after being divorced myself for eleven years and having a pretty unsuccessful relationship history, I am trying to figure out the amalgam for my happiness.

What if I stop looking for the qualities I want in a partner and start looking for the qualities someone needs to love me? Most relationship experts say to make a list of characteristics your ideal soul mate would have. Maybe that's where we go wrong. Maybe our lists should contain characteristics our ideal soul mate must have to live with us. I mean, if you're going to live on a beach, you don't need a heavy coat and snow shoes. You need a swimsuit, some sunscreen, and a hammock. If you're going to live with me, you don't need a fast car. You should pack your sense of humor, patience, and a blow-up mattress.

Case in point: If you ask all of your friends, ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends, and family members if you are easy to get along with, the answers are likely all over the map. Not because you act differently around each person but because of their personalities and characteristics.

For example, I get along with people who are patient. I get on fabulously with people who have experienced both sides of patience and have mastered it; genuinely patient in the sense that they understand I am not deliberately trying to upset them when I do inconsiderate things. Meaning, I am aggravating to a flaw. I am always late, I am indecisive, I need space, I like to be alone, I am stubborn, I obsess over things, I blow up sometimes, I change my mind. But I have good qualities, too. Those who are patient - truly patient - let the flaws go and don't hold them over my head later. It happens, it's forgotten, and we move on. There is no drama, there is no fight, there is no argument.

Sure, I'd rather list "stunningly handsome" on my wish list, but "patience" is probably a better ingredient. So after I write Dr. Phil a letter and tell him about my groundbreaking new therapy, I am starting a list ... not a list of qualities I am looking for, but a list of qualities that someone looking for me should have.

The best news of all ... I have plenty of time to craft the perfect list. The way I see it, I have quite a while before I will be ready for any kind of a relationship.