Once Upon A Time

i think it was his smile that made me fall in love with him. from the first time i met him, he was happy, unassuming, and sweet ... just up the stairs. we had a sleepover on the floor as a matter of happenstance. we were just friends. then ten years later on a cold october night i saw his smile -- crooked yet familiar -- and the clothes of a priest as he walked towards me. for the rest of the night i leaned against the wall and listened to him talk. i gazed into his big, beautiful eyes. i felt so tiny. his cheeks were rosy from the cold. i wanted to throw my arms around him and never let go. it felt like i had been expecting him to arrive like a child waiting for her parent to pick her up from the airport. or almost like we had made a secret pact to meet there on that night ten years ago. if we had only known. maybe we did? the problems were enourmous. somedays we were lucky to survive. we tried. and yet sadly, less than two years later, his smile has faded and there is no resemblance of kindness or regard for me. in fact i don't remember what his smile looks like. only his eyes are vaguely familiar, hauntingly so, piercing into me like a knife in my back. these are the same eyes that told me the truth when his mouth could only tell lies. once illuminated with love and hope, they have become shallow and dim. it will be his eyes i feel for the rest of my life. eyes full of sadness and things left unsaid. eyes full of disappointment. choices. broken promises. and every morning when i wake up and look into the hopeful eyes of our daughter, it will be his eyes i see. 

BURN

what a month it's been. if you are familiar with the "old" me, you might appreciate this. or you might not. but i have learned a lot about myself in a very short time. it's the same old story with me over and over again. but i am me. take it or leave it. ups and downs are part of life and sometimes you keep getting knocked down and it takes 7000 reasons to finally try something new. and it's hell. and you fucking hate it. but you do it. and then you realize that you have finally embraced your life.

i believe that taking chances is better than settling.
i believe that i may have given my daughters life, but they are the ones who truly give me life. everyday.
i believe that bf/gf relationships are painful and temporary. just like a great bikini wax.
i believe that having a cigarette on your porch is better than punching someone in the face.
i believe that it's probably best not to look for trouble. it will find you.
i believe in sticking to my guns. and when the perfect time comes. once in awhile. even though it is hard as shit. laying them down and walking away. waiting to feel the bullet in your back.
i believe in taking my grandma to the doctor even when i'm busy.
i believe in honesty. no matter how bad it sucks.
i believe in loving your family, and letting them love you.
i believe in falling fast and hard. and falling hard is not awesome. but it's a new start.
i believe that doing the right thing is not fun. and it doesn't pay off. and it makes you mad. but it's the right thing. so do it. do what you say you're going to do.
i believe that my grandpa answered my prayers this month.
i believe that people believe what they want to believe.
i believe in forgiving yourself. and others. and then yourself for forgiving others. and repeat.

i believe that you should go with your gut. it is never wrong.

i believe in loving myself first and taking care of myself. and that the Rolling Stones did make great music. i just didn't need it until now.

i believe that surrounding myself with positive energy and the right people is exactly what i need.

for the first time, i have forced myself to step back. walk away. lay down my guns. and let go. just walk away. take some time. this is something i usually don't like or appreciate when others do, but this time it feels good. i might live a little bit crazy. i'm not perfect. it just seems like a little bit crazy is better than being exhaustingly predictable.

all this shitty ridiculous running to stand still livin' is over. i'm me. 


and i'm the best i've ever been.