this is the sound of silence

i can't recall the last time this happened. somehow, i need to make it happen more.

pyromania

i was looking for some inspiration to power through the day so i decided to just start writing. i know the ebb and flow of events in my life will never suddenly slow into a calm existence, just like the tide of the ocean will never stop lapping back and forth from the shore. hearing waves crash is one of my favorite sounds; i have gotten familiar with the rhythm and as long as the rocking doesn't make me seasick, i think i may have finally reached a place in life where i can dig it.

i could easily get overwhelmed; start yelling and screaming about how life isn't fair. but i think i have grown up to observe instead of react. some times it is unbelievable how rough those waves get, but i can handle it or freak out.

one year during our annual girls' trip to Cancun, i had some tropical beverages and then swam too far out into the ocean. as i started to make my way back to shore, i became exhausted swimming with the undertow and suddenly found myself with my neck against a rope -- one of those really rough ropes they use to partition sections of the water off. anydamnway, after being pummeled by waves that relentlessly clothesline me at the neck, i gave up. i couldn't fight it anymore and my muscle were fatigued. and i just thought, this is it. i am not going to make it in. i am not strong enough. i have nothing left to give. i decided that i would start to swallow the water in big gulps so i would drown faster (i saw that on television once, i think).

the next thing i remember is the silhouette of a strong, giant lifeguard standing over me after throwing me on the sandy beach. straight up Baywatch style. we were both winded. he saved my life. he saved my life. each year that we went back to that same resort, i would look for him to tell him over and over that he saved my life. and i'd thank him. he never said much.

maybe life isn't all about taking chances, making moves, and risking being swept away. but i don't know how to live any other way. i came across this post, BURN, that I wrote in August of 2011, almost exactly two years ago. apparently i was exhausted, being tousled around with a rope tugging at my neck, and in this post i declared that i was no longer going to run to stand still. that i was exhausted from being crazy and stupid. eh. so i made the list of things i believed in.

my point in sharing again is because maybe i don't always realize that i am actually moving forward and making progress. that i am better than i was. that i have learned from my mistakes. and that overall, i am headed in the right direction. maybe i have drifted so far off with the natural tide that sometimes i get lost, but i consistently believe and act on the same things. my conviction becomes my code, and it may not be every one's and that is okay. everyone is entitled to believe in and live by their own code. so here is the list, in blue, with my reflection two years later, in red.

i believe that taking chances is better than settling.
i know taking a chance is better than settling. settling is giving up on yourself. if you give up, who is going to believe in you. everyone deserves control and happiness over his or her life.

i believe that i may have given my daughters life, but they are the ones who truly give me life. everyday.
i know my daughters are the reasons i still live and breathe today.

i believe that bf/gf relationships are painful and temporary. just like a great bikini wax.
bikini waxes and relationships are both totally unnecessary if they hurt that bad.

i believe that having a cigarette on your porch is better than punching someone in the face.
i have only hit one person in the face and it cost me. but no need to smoke, you can just call the cops.
 
i believe that it's probably best not to look for trouble. it will find you.
The National's new album is entitled "Trouble Will Find Me."
 
i believe in sticking to my guns. and when the perfect time comes. once in awhile. even though it is hard as shit. laying them down and walking away. waiting to feel the bullet in your back.
i know that sticking to your guns is the right thing to do if you cannot live any other way. but i also know that it doesn't make you less of a person to settle a lawsuit, resign from a job, or let go of something or someone.

i believe in taking my grandma to the doctor even when i'm busy.
and making her come over for 4th of July burgers in the blistering heat.
 
i believe in honesty. no matter how bad it sucks.
i have grown exceedingly committed to honesty. i tend to withhold information if the subject is personal and people are being intrusive, but i am in love with the ideal that people are honest and that honesty will prevail.

i believe in loving your family, and letting them love you.
mi familia. family are the only ones who are going to get a call to identify your body, and also the only ones that kinda love you no matter what. i rented Silver Linings Playbook from Redbox and i am never taking it back. i've always thought that us crazies are normal and everyone else is crazy.
 
i believe in falling fast and hard. and falling hard is not awesome. but it's a new start.
i know sometimes i trust too much, forgive too quickly, and act on my impulses. but each decision i make isn't an arbitrary whim. once made, i am seeing it through. and i am often wrong, and in that case, i'll still see it through.

i believe that doing the right thing is not fun. and it doesn't pay off. and it makes you mad. but it's the right thing. so do it. do what you say you're going to do.
i know that karma is real and the right thing for me isn't necessarily the right thing for you. i know i over commit and am always late, and i don't always do what i say i will. but i am going to try harder and i am going to do my best to do the right thing.
 
i believe that my grandpa answered my prayers this month.
a week or so ago, i was mowing the lawn and i was hot and miserable; pouring sweat. i started thinking about my grandpa and i could see him mowing his lawn and sometimes ours. i thought about how he taught me what it means to work hard. and i remembered that i would watch him through the window and when he was almost finished, i would run out and take him an ice cold pepsi. as he drank it, i wondered if it was the best thing he had ever tasted in his life. and suddenly, i knew it was.
 
i believe that people believe what they want to believe.
i know some people will never change their minds, nor listen to or consider another point of view. it is scary to be a grown up and have your beliefs challenged. and just as i believe in the things i do, others can believe what they choose. however, i would never treat someone differently for their beliefs and i would never think they were going to hell.

i believe in forgiving yourself. and others. and then yourself for forgiving others. and repeat.
i believe forgiveness is simple if someone truly cares about you and not only takes the time to apologize in person, when necessary, and not stop apologizing until it passes.

i believe that you should go with your gut. it is never wrong.
i have always believed this but haven't always acted on my gut feeling immediately. i recently went with my gut on a huge decision and it was most definitely, 100% the right thing to do. go with your gut. it just knows.

i believe in loving myself first and taking care of myself. and that the Rolling Stones did make great music. i just didn't need it until now.
i know i need to work on this but i do love the Stones.

i believe that surrounding myself with positive energy and the right people is exactly what i need.
it was true two years ago and it remains true today. i met my blogging soul sister Karma, i find it easier to remove myself from toxic situations, i went to Mexico with my lady friends, i am playing softball with some people with super good energy, and tonight i'm going to Pat Benatar with exactly the right people at exactly the right time.

summer is here. the party patio is ready. money will work itself out. my grandma is close. my girls are with me. i have good people in my life. the ranch now has a pool. the fire pit is blazing and i have burned some of the field just to annoy the MCPD. although i don't have a lot of material items to show it, i have made some big strides in the last two years and followed the same code. i am not perfect and i don't claim to be. i have a million flaws and a lot of work i still need to do on myself. but it is so much easier to ride the tide than fight it.

i should live in salt

this summer in the SLC is going to be full of live music that i have been craving for far too long. thanks to the twilight concert series, i will be spending thursday evenings in the sticky heat watching bands play that i never thought i'd see in utah. for example, belle and sebastian. seriously? fistpump!

tickets to every concert are only $5. who in salt lake came up with this line up? because i want to give them a high five. nick bought me a pass for all the shows so although i will be sitting out Kid Cudi, i am going to hit all the others so help me....

possibly the biggest highlight of the series isn't a band i haven't seen, but one that i have been longing to see again. that's right, The National. the last time i saw them was in San Diego and i was pregnant with Lu. and she loved them too for the record. the new album is delicious and i will be the first in line to make sure i am front and center to see these guys.

sigh. july 18th the magic begins.