we've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?

i am looking for another job (either a second job or a happier one) and every interview seems to go really, really awesome. until i think about it later. i've determined i turn into Buddy the Elf at every job interview.

interviewer: "have you ever worked in a call center?"

me: "no, but i love them!"

interviewer: "why?"

me: "well there was a guy named Mike that called me like three years ago and he was going to help me with my credit... i can't remember the name of the company ... but he was THE NICEST GUY. i didn't use their services but i told my family about how great this guy was. they all thought i needed to get out more because i was falling in love with someone who wanted to fix my credit, but no, he was great. i mean, he called exactly when i asked and he was so, so, so sweet.  i can't remember the name of the company .... "

interviewer: blank stare

me: BIG SMILE "i just love call centers."

if it's over the phone, i put on my sharon-who-wears-scarves voice. "hello, my heavens Robert we've been playing phone tag, ahhahh ha ha ha ahhha ha (deep breath) ahha ha."

anyway, i hate myself. and i have to not remember those stories. that i experience. and am probably made fun of later by the companies i apply at. but at least only me, i'm the only one i know that knows what happened and so i'm not really embarrassed.

so. here is goes. i'm in a funk. like a i'm going to throw the dog out the window, punch someone in the nose, cry for three hours, sleep for 12, become clinically insane, losing the will to shower funk. and i have an antidepressant and i know depression is very serious. there is nothing you can do when you fall into it. there is nothing anyone can do. and it's an incredibly scary place. but it gets better, eventually. maybe months later. i want anyone reading this to know, that i understand and i am not minimizing the situation. i struggle with it. alot. and this last bought has been over 6 months of it. so the fact that i am ever sitting upright is a win.

SO. what would you do (with the means you have) if you had one week left to live? you can't travel to Rome (unless you have the money in your account today and a jet) and it has to be something you really would do. just one week from wherever you may be sitting, starting this Sunday thru next. what would you do?

my, my, what a mess was made

today is weird. like, i get veteran's day and memorial day because it's an opportunity to show gratitude, remember the sacrifices people have made for lazy, greedy, selfish people like me. but today, it's like 'never forget'. why? nothing good came about it? it was a horrible terrible day. please forget, not forgive or understand or ignore, but maybe we could forget.

if my brain didn't forget the heartache, the image of every person i want to help, every sad child i see, every person struggling, every bombing, act of terrorism, or war, i would be. well, i guess what i am. depressed and contemplating what is it all for. for an investigation into another pro sport? for another worthless scandal, which we will all certainly give plenty of attention to, for even longer than most did during 9/11.

today, i choose to forget. forget those evil bastards. i won't give them any notoriety because they destroyed lives. there are children who are reminded every day. every day about 9/11. who am i to tell them never forget. can we have a slogan like ONE COUNTRY or STOP BEING ASSHOLES or WHY ARE PEOPLE ONLY NICE WHEN PEOPLE ARE IN DANGER. it's kind of sad that we take a slogan and throw a few things up and say never forget. insulting even.

i am over the NFL domestic violence. it's important if it can stop things. however, it happens in every neighborhood. and there is no investigation or help to a lot of people. it's so lame. so lame.

i don't even know anymore.
i want to forget today.
maybe i will.
maybe we all should.

we rally against things we hate so much harder than things we love and believe in. our past memories are just stories we've told our self. how can i know? how can i know anything anymore?

i just feel like crying. we're a capitalist country that is doomed.