hard headed

let me preface the following by saying that i understand the futility in arguing with close-minded people. i understand what a closed mind is. it's not called "closed" because it has the promise of opening during business hours. it is closed. for good. out of business. bankrupt. defeated. no chance of entertaining shifting its business model and re-opening. and the longer it is out of business, its ideas, values, and original thoughts become sediment and over time consolidate into rock. once a mind turns to rock, it's pointless to try and return it to the traveling, free flowing matter it once was.

in other words, this is not an attempt to try and persuade or change any one's thinking. it's just a meager attempt to give progressive, compassionate, intelligent people an example of why it's incredibly important to teach our future generations the importance of equality, civil rights, and acceptance. it is only in the present and the future that we can create a shift. let's not spend our time trying to take jack hammers to minds made of rock.

first of all, i encourage everyone to watch the following quick presentation, especially those who have friends who still use the phrase, "That's so gay." i then encourage everyone to show it to their teenagers or young adults.



there are two main reasons this is timely for me. and i am going to make it personal.

first, the spotlight is on Utah after a federal judge in Utah ruled the state's ban on same-sex marriages was unconstitutional under the 14th Amendment. without a stay pending an appeal, over 900 couples rushed to get married. then the stay was put in place, the Governor said the marriages would not be recognized, and it created all kinds of chaos and stupidity. the upside? the Utah ruling has sparked states like Oklahoma to follow its lead and (although handled considerably better) while stays have been put in place, a higher court will be called on to make a final ruling. my point? this is an exciting time for the people in Utah to be on the right side of history. the prominent church in the state has become more accepting and has chosen not to be involved or comment publicly on the topic. it is just a few really scared people, who have the brains that have turned into rocks, that are acting hateful and crazy. live and let live. be open, talk to your family about the issue, encourage acceptance, and don't use the phrase "that's so gay" or "what a fag" or "gay" or "fag" in your homes.

it is my belief and hope that this phrase and the use of the word "gay" as a pejorative will one day be eradicated. that our children will look back at those people in their lives who use it as uneducated and ignoramuses.

[Edited 1/15]
second, i went to out of town over the weekend. i heard from a friend about a conversation at a local bar when one dude used the word gay and someone told him it wasn't cool. after some back and forth conversation including the arrogant argument, "i have lots of gay friends and they don't care when i use it", the party was over. as the person who disagreed with the use of the word went to leave, the small town (and small-minded local) physically assaulted him outside. he shoved him down on the concrete, pulled his hoodie over his head, and caused serious physical harm to him. douche move. i don't think the person who used the word hates gays. i understand he is very open and does indeed have gay friends whom he loves and supports; he is just ignorant.

the problem with the situation is this: first, i don't care if his very select group of gay friends are okay with his use of the word. if they say it's cool, there are still thousands of others who are not okay with it. and maybe his gay friends aren't okay with it, but tolerate it because he's so gangster he might put a cap in their skulls. they probably don't dare speak up because he'll physically assault them. either way, this guy is a total tool and a perfect example of what NOT to be. a small town joke. bad ass, bro. totally. had he caught himself and brushed it off, that would be fine. but the physical assault on the person who was trying to do the right thing bothers me tremendously.

my girls don't use the words "gay" or "fag". my youngest doesn't even know what it means. she still sees all human beings as equal. she views everyone the same. she sees all colors the same. she sees love between two people the same. my oldest catches heat at school all the time for asking people not to say "fag" or "gay". she is mocked and harassed constantly for it. she tells me her friends use it and her friends' parents use it. it's time to make a shift. 

i went to a Utah State vs. U of U game last season. after the two 50-year-olds behind us continued to use the word "faggot" over and over again, i made it personal and told them that it is not okay to talk like that. in my yelling voice. in one of their faces. Ute fans thanked me after the game, yet it was still a shock that no one has said anything to them before. after my friends pulled me away from the guy, his cowardly friend told me to leave if i didn't like the language. i told them i had no plans to leave but would post their pictures on the front page of the Salt Lake Tribune.

of course i didn't do that, but i will post them here. classy, eh? see if you can find the two incredible serious bigots.

refraining from using the words in a negative way doesn't mean you have to support gay rights. it just means you respect human beings. letting your household know it stops with your generation and it is hate speech doesn't mean you can't support traditional marriage, it just means you are educated. i implore you, stop the hate and educate. we can make a change.

The Truth of the Tooth

the story i am about to tell you is true.

i have been unable to sleep peacefully for several weeks and haven't slept at all for the past two nights. i have had a playful migraine since Thanksgiving. i spent the last eight hours laying in bed, pining about what to do, who to call, where to go. only creating an incredibly "real" feeling of contemplating the contemplation of alternatives. so that was a waste of at least six hours.

after compulsively checking my email and eating two king-sized Butterfingers in the darkness, i decided perhaps a good purging may start the flow of some 2014 binging.

once upon a time during November, upon returning from a trip to Boston, i stopped working. i haven't worked a day since mid-November. at least not for money. why? a single parent of two with exorbitant lifestyle choices ... whiskey tango foxtrot!

you see, just over a year ago i signed a 2-year non-compete agreement. we all do, right? unfortunately i resigned from the company in May and decided to go back to consulting and freelance writing. my particular non-compete has been interpreted to be inclusive of the consulting i was doing, where i was doing it, etc etc intelligo nare. in summation, my previous employer decided to possibly maybe enforce my non-compete contract, and attorneys met and were spoken to and of, and names were named, calls were made, avenues explored, and my source of income was suddenly halted. like a car coming to a screeching halt. like teenagers getting busted by Mom during a makeout sesh in the backseat. like a heart attack. like, f*ck. that just really happened?

of course i wasn't prepared financially. however, if you can ever be incredibly unprepared, i can check a big fat HELLLLLYES! in that box on the bucket list of life events. the week before Thanksgiving? fourth quarter? holidays? probably the worst time to be looking for a job. financially, i had just spent my savings on the aforementioned trip to Boston, bought The Teenager a brand new car, planned a trip to Las Vegas for The Teenager's December birthday, and was settling in for a rockin' Christmas followed by sweet Jameson to ring in 2014. so there was that.

the trip was canceled, there was some pretty rockin' Christmas Fireball to burn holes in the lining of my stomach, and Cooks was just fine as i rolled over to my side of the bed and into a new year.

fast forward to today. rent has not been paid. two car payments are now late. car insurance is not going to go through. the checking account is overdrawn threatening legitimate closure of my account. and here i sit drinking a cup of coffee made by a $200 Keurig® Platinum Plus Brewing System (to be fair, it was a Christmas gift) and admire my Christmas decorations (tree included) that are still up.

i am horrified about the call i have to put in to my landlord and praying to God that this city bill is somehow a practical joke for the holidays:

did you know peptic ulcers cause muscle spasms in your belly? they do. it's the closest thing to contractions during child birth i have ever felt. soda pop causes them sometimes. if you have IBS or Crohns', i think they are deadly.

it was just last night i discovered The Teenager's magnification mirror. sweet mary mother of jehovah! in the process of carving a small hole in my cheek to remove what appeared to be a ginormous whitehead (and yet invisible to the naked eye), i discovered that all those hits to the jaw i have been taking did indeed crack a tooth.

to be precise: "you sheared the distal cusp right off and could lose the tooth if you don't get it checked real soon. why have you been hit in the jaw so much?"

i am terrified of the dentist. i don't have insurance. did i mention the incredible fear i have of going to the dentist? muscle spasms starting ... now. my teeth are all i have left! and even though i still ate those damn Butterfingers with a shattering distal cusp, the teeth are the final straw. like the hand of God ripping me out of bed and shoving me out the door into the cold streets, i have got to find a source of income. today. or a loan. or a free dentist. it's about to get real in here. i am going to start by selling our family's third car, Beatrice, the minivan. i am ashamed of myself for being such a taker. i've read "Ishmael." 125,000 gallons of water? what in the hell is wrong with us? and what have i given?

that's right. the hero's dramatic conclusion is such:

1. i baked. i only bake when i am unemployed. i made real homemade sugar cookies from scratch, delicious homemade rolls, butterscotch cookies from scratch, and homemade alfredo. for other people, too.

2. i cleaned the downstairs office so that the house was more livable. friendly. warm.

3. i have been able to watch some amazing football. college football at its finest. getting caught up on all my sports. laying in bed watching game after game. smelling march madness. thus supporting a big segment of the future of tomorrow: student athletes.

4. i have spent hours with the girls. hours and hours. and i adore them and will never wish i didn't have that. oh! we finally had family pictures taken.

5. the kitchen is really organized and i can make any cup of coffee i want in 30 seconds.

i already started taking halfway through the list. to be honest, i almost forgot how small my problems are. i have options. any complaints are ugly truths you should quickly disbelieve. i am off to find things to do while i am in the belly of this whale.

from my glorious horoscope this week by the brilliant Rob Brezsny, my goal this week is to take advice from Dan Albergotti's poetry: "Organize your calendar. Dream of the beach. Review each of your life's ten million choices. Find the evience of those before you. Listen for the sound of your heart. Be thankful that you are here, swallowed with all hope, where you can rest and wait."

and breathe. it has been tragically magical to not be on any type of retainer or regimen, but it's time to move on.

i'm REALLY in love

i love this. i love that i saw this today. i am IN LOVE. thank you jeanette leblanc.

HOWEVER ... i keep seeing things like this and thinking, this is how i live. and people don't really live like this. people don't admire people who make millions of mistakes. people don't appreciate uncertainty or even conviction. if you live your truth, you likely won't survive in the world. seeing goodness in the world doesn't pay the bills. i want it. i live it. i do it. i appreciate it. i buy one-way tickets, skip laundry, spontaneously leave the state, act on my gut, tell the truth, admit i am wrong, jump without thinking, forget about being crazy. i'm bat shit crazy. but let's stop blowing smoke up everyone's ass. people don't see this as glorious. they think it's irresponsible. unacceptable. magic doesn't exist. they view unpredictability as annoying. no one appreciates uncertainty. risk is unacceptable.

so let's stop all the amazingly liberal, beautiful writing and start living it. let's be unsafe, accepting of others mistakes, rewarding of shortcomings. let's admire people who put it all on red. who are wrong. let's not apologize. i have seen way too much of this lately. teenagers believe it's real. it is my way of life completely by accident and it's not bad, but it's not really that easy.

now. who wants to lock their kids in the bathroom and hit the bar?!? what? i am a dreamer.

it's official

i need to redesign or retire my blog. the end of the year seems apropos to do such a thing. so it shall be done.

i finally accepted what is winter. it's about 37 degrees and i believe it's going to start dumping more snow on us by thursday. which is fine. i may have been a little dramatic but i hate being cold. i hate that it is dark at 5pm. i am counting on The Teenager to go somewhere warm for college. because after she graduates, i have got to get out of the UC. warm. year-round. that's where i'm heading with Lu.

everyone hates the cold and if they say they don't, they might be lying. i mean, you've heard of SAD? it's real. lots of people i know have it. i am watching them and just thinking, double up on your antidepressants. i started doubling up on mine when i started to lose the will to live. and i STILL have to put the hoses away and shut off the water and winterize. shhhh. move on.

the thing that truly got me over the hump and okay with the inevitable was music. as usual. i am basically still madly in love with The National's new album, which isn't really new anymore. i can't get enough. one would think i would tire of the same music i have been listening to for three years but i don't. i still love my dad's music. Born in the USA is amazing. Baba O'riley by The Who. Bon Jovi. listen to Pearl Jam still almost everyday. whatever. whatever starts the circulation to restart in your body. music and coffee. it's all we have.

apparently i don't have time for Fantasy Football or new music anymore. but those are objects that will not miss me. the only true reason i have time to write this is because my bed has become the preferred place for both my girls to sleep, and it's impossible. The Teenager has cramps and is moaning and The Babe is kicking her in the stomach while pushing me off the bed. it's too small.

i. just. can't. do. it.

oh yeah. so The National's Trouble Will Find Me is pretty mellow, but amazing. easily going in the top ten best albums ever. Graceless, Heavenfaced, Hard to Find, Demons. i wonder what the process is like to create or orchestrate things that make people's hearts beat. and then eat a sandwich. why can't i have that power? do they even eat?

so it's official. the point of this post is for you to find the music that might save your life. it could be this winter. it could be when shit is just not good. it could be when you lose someone. today or someday. if you don't have any music that will save your life, you can borrow mine. i recommend you download and listen to The National's simplicity in Heavenfaced. have it on hand should you feel the life-ending gloom creeping up on you.

Heavenfaced

I could walk out, but I won’t,
In my mind I am in your arms.
I wish someone would take my place,
Can’t face heaven all heavenfaced.
No one’s careful all the time,
If you lose me, I’m gonna die.

How completely high was I?
I was off by a thousand miles.
Hit the ceiling, then you fall,
Things are tougher than we are.
I could walk out, but I won’t,
In my mind I am in your arms.
I wish someone would take my place,
Can’t face heaven all heavenfaced.

Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.
Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.
Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.
Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.

She’s a griever, my believer
It’s not a fever, it’s a freezer
I believe her, I`m a griever now
She’s a griever, my believer
It’s not a fever, it’s a freezer
I believe her, I`m a griever now

Because we’ll all arrive in heaven alive
We’ll all arrive
Because we’ll all arrive in heaven alive
We’ll all arrive 

here it comes ...

that heavy feeling of winter. the sudden urge to become a hermit. a real fear that you may not survive the cold winter. all projects, work, happiness, sunshine, and progress come to a screeching halt, and you're not only paralyzed, you don't really care. there is no thinking about ... if you don't pull it together, shit is going to get ugly. there is no placating others. it almost feels like people around you--the functioning ones--are living in a false reality. don't they know? haven't they felt the chill that penetrates right to the bone? it's here for me. for those with thick skin, it will be here in less than a month. sitting in the car after work with teeth literally chattering from the intense, frigid air. it's a concern. not to mention the creeping holidays. i wish the federal government would shut down the holidays. call me a sour puss. i don't like the impending doom that is winter in Utah.

the cold nonsense of being

i started writing this a week or so again. i deleted it for many reasons but am now posting it for Karma. just in case she needs it.

i have had a hard time connecting with the world today, i guess being sick and losing steve martin* in one's life forces you to finally. hit. the. breaks. and. stop. i always over promise, double book, run out of time, lose the keys, forget to take out the garbage, run late, and disappoint. even though i really spend easily 89% of each day trying to make everyone happy, i end up frustrating most of them in the end. however, the thing that has been weighing most heavily on my mind is spending more time on more dogmatic things and less time on those of no consequence. nothing glamorous or fancy, but i have always wanted to make a difference in people's lives. do something. you can have a job that you're good at, you can spend hours devoted to it, you can be amazing ... but if your family is left wondering why you're at work so much, it's an empty lifestyle. be amazing in both areas. it's possible. i think. i am going to try.

if someone is indifferent about having you in his or her life, let them go. be it family, friends, a boss, or a client. indifference about life, causes, the future, love, dreams ... that is something that hurts me. it's a complete lack of feeling. i'd rather be hated. i would rather see passion and yell and rage and fight than shrug my shoulders and walk away from someone i love, or let someone i love walk away from me. if an employer is indifferent about my work, i walk away. if anyone or any situation is indifferent, i feel that i am wasting my time because i am not helping or impacting it/them in a positive way. i have to find a way to live. if you're indifferent about something, leave it. find something you are passionate about. or something you hate. when you find something you hate, you remember what you love. i think.

how can i explain without sounding crazy that i often feel like, for whatever reason, small events in my life or people i meet unknowingly yet infallibly point my shoulders towards the life i was meant to live. if i get off track, something happens that subtly pushes me in a certain direction--the right one. just like the unconscious, common push of a tiller on a boat by its captain when headed toward the shore.

so maybe because i am an idealist and see the world in a different way than most, i am almost obsessed to find a solution or a way to "fix" things. i have a hard time saying or accepting the answer "no". i am impulsive. probably annoying. sometimes a hermit, often incredibly difficult to get a hold of. i can easily get wrapped up in my mind of how tangled random events of my life are going to create a masterpiece of a life. i live by faith. a lot. occasionally, my intuition is so strong i have to act on it.

there are moments, instances, or periods in my life where i know i have to do certain things. going with my gut has always had a much higher success rate than ignoring it. and i know i contradict myself sometimes and i get really confused too. i don't know what needs to happen and i am too old to make any more big mistakes. i just have to act more. the stagnant era of a devout workaholic has to end. i can still be amazing. i just need balance.

the only nagging thought that remains: but what? in college, i started believing that my life was leading up to something amazing--that "this" can't be it. "this" isn't what i was born to do. not in a negative way, but just like, i have a strong sense i need to do more. and i still feel that way. i don't ever remember not feeling that way. i have something that i need to finish; if i try hard enough i can find the solution; i can fix this; if we all pull together we can do it. i never imagined that my lofty goals would turn into a road that would bring me back to Mapleton, single, two daughters, everything much less sparkly than when i was a teenager. but i understand. in a way that makes it okay.

i asked Lauren tonight if everyone feels that way. not people who are unhappy or discontent, but people who are extremely happy and have fulfilling jobs but live life seeking for their real calling. you know, people who are content but know they are going to change the world. in my gut right now, i feel like am supposed to be a part of a cause for good that is bigger than myself. i don't know if that even makes sense.

typically i will have these big, amazing, over-the-top ideas but after a few days, maybe a week, after being obsessed and getting the rafiki rocks and hitch-kicking my enthusiasm all over town, i get distracted, million dollar idea gone, massive to-do list back in hand, working too many hours, with the highest priority on my "brilliant idea" list being to fill out my fantasy football roster on time.

i am rambling.

i am not jaded but i am just not easily impressed--a lot of times i will act like i am so i don't hurt feelings. i am rarely intrigued. i can see through others' motives very easily. i am not judging. i am not presuming, maybe i'm not giving people the credit they deserve. i don't even live up to my own expectations. i am not necessarily right. i am not noble or brave or clever. i have made more mistakes than an entire classroom of tenth-grade boys.

and that was just today.

i don't know. i am trying to get my car unstuck out of this ditch so i can start going again. it's just been stuck for so long. and it's comfortable here. but i bet there is some fresh air somewhere that would blow my mind.

there is a lot of stuff going on, and most of it is just--for the lack of a better word, silly. again, total PMS-provoked, sinus, ear, throat, lung, chest infected commentary. i worry that the babies being born today won't have the same opportunity i had to genuinely love our country or be willing to fight for it. they won't have the instilled sense of patriotism, community, love, compassion, hard work ethic, family, and experiences we have had. i want to believe differently. and i want the traditions we have to live on. and i want my grandpa to still be around to tell me about the war, moving to Mapleton from the coal mines, marrying my grandma. how he became the first fire chief of Mapleton. i want my kids to know that history. i don't want it to turn into a big social media digital hell. instant gratification. thinking it's absurd that you would wait 30 days to get a letter from a friend.

it may seem i am giving the "walked up hills both ways to school" talk. if i talk to kids about my childhood or grandparents, they react as if i am talking about some old relative i had from the Colonial period before cars were invented. i don't want my daughters picked up by a date who honks the horn. why is that okay? if my grandpa were alive he'd walk out and shoot them. so i don't know where I am going with this. good people are out there. we'll always have good fire fighters, dispatchers, volunteers, police, service men, humanitarians, doctors, nurses, presidents, social works, and on and on and on to look up to. i just want the silly, waste of energy, weird stuff we do everyday to go away. for example, work 15 hours a day, get the corner office, make money, spend money, lose your sunshine, lose your passion, die with a sweet resume. i don't want to debate spelling errors and grammar. i don't have the time or energy to be passionate about processes and time clocks, or argue over colors and fabrics. i just want simplicity. and someone who can accept me for being the opposite.

i love where i work. to be able to work at a company with strong core values that align with mine. finally. where co-workers are kind to one another, i think you call them friends. where we go out of our way and work long days without hesitation. why? because we care about our product and helping its distribution to as many people as possible. at least i really care. and our executives (i get the feeling) care about us. the company is genuinely helping people to make their lives better. it's not a battle field internally. it doesn't have to be.

i want to leave a legacy for my girls. only. i want them to be proud. i want them to say, "mom did more than invented AstroTurf, she changed a child's life, she was in the right place at the right time and introduced two people who found a cure for a horrible disease, she showed us how to care about others. and stand up for ourselves. she knew people were taking advantage of her. she knew a lot more than she said. she loved us more than anything."

i remember watching Vince Young's determination and drive to lead the Longhorns to a victory over USC for the BSC Championship in 1996. Vince Young was straight up like, "alright, if you're not going to do it, i will. i'll do the damn thing. that's how bad i want to win." he is inspiring. and i don't care, i still love the man. and i do have his titans jersey and he is no longer active on the packers roster but we will get to that later.

living with purpose that extends outside of working to pay the bills, and allows us to be a part of something we will remember. living how we want. not making excuses. being where we want to be with whom we want to be around.

a tradition that's almost obsolete ... passion. boys walking 10 miles to see a girl. girls waiting four years for the love of her life to come home from the war. people staying married. couples being happy. loving someone more than ourselves. love letters. women being adored and not allowed to open a door for themselves. men being protective, loyal, committed. i don't even know if true love exists in people under 40. i don't even know if we know what it is.

that's it. that's all i got.

lauren. right now. at this very moment. go listen to Graceless by The National. find it wherever you can.

*i finally found a family doctor that i loved. his name was NOT steve martin but he looked like a young steve martin. skin that was way too soft, brown eyes, much too young to have white hair. but he was awesome with the girls and was working with natural supplements to make us feel better. then one day, after i declared we were officially moving to his practice, he was gone. and i sobbed.

this is the sound of silence

i can't recall the last time this happened. somehow, i need to make it happen more.