Weary sun, sleep tonight

i went to bed relatively early tonight. early for me. i have a hard time falling asleep but once i get there, i'm rock solid.

no nightmares tonight. no drama.

and yet at 3:40 am, i jolted awake in a complete panic. my heart is racing really, really fast. so i have adopted a rule ... even if you can't sleep, lay there. like Nate says, your body is still resting. just lay there. and so i did. until 4:40 am. i gave it one hour until my mind made things worse by pile driving through everything all at once. all the things and people and history and future and problems in life started freaking me out. it got worse. so i got up.

i tried to read. i am seriously contemplating going downstairs and cleaning. i took some prilosec for the stomach pain. i drank a little milk. i ate a pop tart.

i resisted electronics until i convinced myself that writing is really the only thing that stops my brain for a minute and calms me down - focusing on one thing instead of 2 million things at a time is better. i can sit and tell myself over and over again that everything is fine, that there's nothing i can do about anything at this hour, that things will look better in the morning, that it's a panic attack. it will pass. that i need rest, but it doesn't happen.

there is nothing tragic about today. i actually had a great night. i ate a delicious steak. i was in excellent company. maybe it's just time to get up. i have to take CJ to cheer at 8am, i have a million things to do. oh right, when you're having a panic attack, it's impossible to do anything but shuffle around and freak the fuck out. so no. let's work this out, lady balls.

existance is an incredibly complex and fascinating topic. societies, cultures, progression, deterioration, irrationalism, evolution, co-existing, living, consuming, relationships, giving birth, love, attraction, death ... and humans and their brains are equally intricate. i think i would like to talk to Ayn Rand and Frederick Nietzsche. (after dr. phil, of course.) i failed philosophy in college. twice i think. it's the easiest class, right? no. it's not for me.

but when i read Nietzsche in college, i remember relating to some of his beliefs but vaguely and not really caring either way. but lately, i've been doing a lot of introspective thinking and writings about humans (mainly myself) and life ... and i reverted back to religion and philosophy and happiness, etc. and i read things Nietzsche wrote and i have written journal entries that would be considered plagiarism to anyone who knew his work. it's weird. i don't believe in everything he did. but i get it. it was just his natural intrigue to find truth (or if truth exists) or the why we're here, what motivates people, why they act they way they do. and i'm not patting myself on the back here, or saying i'm smart or special, everyone contemplates the meaning of life. and i'm not saying i've written, Dear Diary, God is dead. Goodnight. it's more of a pondering of the motives and how society got so tangled up, why some people are good, why some people are not, what is love, truth, is it real? it's different now and what will it be like in 100 years. blah blah.

i guess maybe i am not saying anything. i am just trying to figure out how to NOT have physical or mental aversions or go crazy. but i can't stop myself. i miss my sleep. i miss it. i can't take tylenol PM because i have to get up in 2 hours. i don't have benadryl. i don't want to be groggy all day. i'm not necessarily worried. i feel really grounded and well. i slept great camping last weekend. ding! maybe it has something to do with where i am?

i do feel like this, however. if i could cohesively write down the things i have discerned in my brain, with the detail and insights i gain, it would be good reading for those who have similiar life experiences. not for everyone. but i do think it would help people. i often say, i wish someone would have told me that i could have tried this. i wish i had learned that sooner. i wish i had read that book earlier in life. i just can't express my thoughts in words that are compelling. and without being me, it would be hard to understand what i could write down. to put it in a language that others would benefit from, would be futile. and i would go mad trying to organize it in my own brain.

i started thinking about the Will to Live vs. Will to Power a while ago. a couple weeks later i started a manuscript entitled "The Diary of a Person Going Clinically Insane." i only got two lines into it. but it wasn't a dark or weird thing, it just goes back to psychology and my fascination on the subject. and if i do go crazy, later in life, maybe it would be interesting to read? or people would say, i have those feelings so i may want to try something different. why do people just crack? why do brains shut down? i have weird experiences where i get lost in thought at bank drive throughs, parks, in bed, driving and i have thought, "wait? am i going crazy? do people who know they are going crazy recognize these first signs? does it start like this? should i get help?"

i'm not crazy, i mean, according to modern day standards, i have a good solid grasp on reality. i am not conventional, but i'm not cooking kittens in the oven or eating my own arm. anyway, i digress. maybe we all think this way.

how i WISH i had talked to my professors about philosophy because it's so interesting to learn about. how did i fail? i think my mind must have been like ... too much truth, too much stuff, i could give a shit about this, i like vodka! (i was in college, okay? i was 18.) i wasn't ready for it, maybe? and also, i know i'm an ass, but my teachers were pretty pretentious, dull, and obviously not really sparking any interest in "thinking." it was a bunch of memorization and tests and ponytails.

back to the Will of Power. Were Nietzsche alive today, he would be like ... yup, i was right. his take on society and man and woman in the late 1800's relates succinctly with modern day problems that didn't even exist yet. it explains epidemics that weren't even around. he didn't need to stand behind a podium and preach. he just thought. he thought A LOT and really deep.* i think he's just brilliant.

i am not going to turn into a philosophizer or go crazy. i just find comfort in his writing and that i can relate to it. and, with that, i will stop thinking and let my mind rest. he had a mental breakdown so i don't have to.

*Grammatical error intentionally kept for my sister, and really anyone who has seen the movie Sideways. "I went deep last night ..... deep."