every, every, every day.

how do you say ...

i have great friends and family. i mean it. i have too many to count or list. i just feel like i should acknowledge them somehow. how do you say thankyouiloveyouyousavedmylifeiloveyou?

it's been a really fast time. lots of things are happening. sometimes it feels like people are slipping through the cracks, and i need to tell them something. i wish they knew how i felt without me saying it. every day.

my beautiful babies. every day.
my sisters. every day.
my friends. every day.
my grandma. every, every day.
my brother. every day.

if you're strong enough for me to lean on, i will. i can't do this alone. i am not doing it alone. i don't want to nor do i need to do it alone. i haven't ever done it alone.

and yet when people offer to do something nice, i say, why would you do that? like, really? why are you so nice?

i have a friend who i did a favor for, because he is one of the most amazing people i know. and trust me, this was not within my comfort zone. but consider it done with no questions asked. and at this point of my life, when i feel my weariest, my most unappealing, not at all attractive, and awkward, he managed to make me feel ... flattered, at least. and he's the kind of person who lets you talk until you say things about yourself that you didn't know. it's a learning experience. i wish i could see life through his eyes.

another friend invited lucy and me to the rodeo. and putting up with lucy and me at the rodeo is not just any ordeal. a screaming, teething baby and a pit stop at the grocery store, leaving early, chasing sunglasses, bottles, everything, everywhere. and then through my constant rambling you hear, "you look pretty. no. i mean you look really good." and it it's the first time you've heard it for what feels like forever. scratch that, it's the first time you've heard it and believed it. and believed that he meant it. he would do anything for me. and his family is so great and they love lucy. and the rodeo, a screaming baby, and a drive thru is the best date i've had. maybe in my entire life.

or my girls. my girls. the ones who are tougher than most boys and smarter than all men. AND can change a tire. a really, really flat tire that you have given up on, but have no other options, and the lug nuts that have been welded on by a machine ... and she does it. just like that. (okay, it took hours and a lot of sweat. but she did it.) but they make me laugh, keep me young, call me old, piss me off, and offer to babysit and loan me their cars. or pick me up day or night. and they don't care that i look like i just crawled out from under a rock. it's hard to explain. but i needed help and bam! there it was. and remains. i just don't know how to pay it back. or how to say, no, really, thanks.

i saw three other close friends not too long ago. they talk. they listen. they snort wine out their noses when they laugh. they disclose things that we've never said but all have thought. they are mothers. they are single. they are some of the greatest friends i will ever have.

and don't get me started on my sisters and my brother. i can't even start. i won't. no matter what goes down, we got this. we just need to stick together. no matter what. i will have words for you. i just hope you know. i hope you know.

i have an unbelievable grandma. the toughest of all. and always there when someone needs her. i have felt like, i guess ... who does she have to lean on? since my grandpa passed away, she's the sole source of stability in our lives. the only one we can cry to, lean on, talk crazy with, explain things, talk to. and does she go to bed feeling lonely and beaten up? yes. but does she stop doing it? no. she's amazing. really. and a pain in the ass.

i have a hard heart i think. sometimes. but not at the right times. one of the aforementioned friends said, "hey, do you like my shirt? you haven't even said anything." and it's true. i noticed it instantly, thought in my mind how cool it was, but didn't say it. until 4 hours later when he brought it up. why? later i confessed that i think a lot of things that i don't say. and, at the same time, probably say a lot of things that i don't mean.

i guess, i just need to tell people how much i love and appreciate them. i don't want to take for granted the kindness or love i've been shown. it's been an extraordinary year. and i survived (or am surviving) only because of those in my life who have loved me without expectations. and every day, i know i don't say it. but you know who you are. i am alive because of you. my girls are loved because of you. we have power because of you. we have food because of you. faith, hope, happiness, courage, confidence, wine, a running car, an hour of sleep, toilet paper. all these things i have because of you.

you.