Tuesday, September 13, 2011

i made this bed.

the nights have turned colder. there is a distinct chill in the air. in my bones.
if i had my way, i'd be somewhere warm heading into the cooler season instead of bracing myself for what i expect to be a miserably cold winter.
everything in the world seems so fragile, so volatile. but there is something about the human spirit in soul wrenching pain that makes me thankful. i am feeling anything but numb. and that's the good and bad news.

my grandma is worn out. she just looks at me and says, "life's a bitch." and how.

all in one day, lucy managed to not only snatch a small turd from her diaper, but smear what she didn't eat on my laptop as i took out the garbage. i got a notice that my power was going to be shut off. my rent is past due. there is no food in the house. i've developed a rash on my forehead. i'm missing an eyebrow. my hair is short again and continues to get shorter after a small mishap with chemicals. i was publicly humiliated on facebook by my mother. i have no time to sleep. my current salary ends up being about $5 an hour when i calculate it. my checking account is $200 overdrawn. i've adopted a steady diet of cheap vodka and cigarettes. i want to kick someone in the crotch just because.

oh poor sky. don't cry on me. did someone break your heart again?

i put gas in the loaner car i have been driving with three dollars in quarters. which isn't even a gallon. the same car that has a driver side door that could fly open at anytime ... and does. i pretended not to be hurt when my mom made plans with me and slept through them. again. i don't have a fantasy football team. i don't even know what is going on with football. i am like a cavewoman. i don't know exactly what is going on except that we're all alone in this together.*

and a perfectly shitty day can be completely okay when you get a random text from a friend that says, "Uh I think my roommate is smoking in her room and burning toast to cover it up. Have you ever heard of that?" or when my sister takes time after working a double to say, "you have nothing to be ashamed of. i love you." or when i know i can call a friend and say my power is turned off and within two minutes he's gone online and paid it. or when that stupid effing charcoal canister is finally replaced on my 4runner and it has passed emissions after being unregistered since january because the part cost $900 alone.

now, love, where have you been?

when The Teenager was younger (like ten years ago), things were hard. i was working full time and going to school at night. when i look back on those days, i don't remember the hard times. i remember the results. i know that i am going to tank for a little while longer but as long as i keep things in perspective, remember how blessed i am, know that people love me from afar, and that i have to keep putting on my game face for my girls, i'll be okay. i have so many things to look forward to.

like drinking jameson with bethie and kelly.
like seeing my nephew max.
or meeting my new nephew this fall.
watching The Teenager cheerlead and sign up for driver's ed.
like waking up to lucy's goofy smile every day.
like hanging out with my stinky-footed nieces.
or finally catching that big break where i say, ooooh now i see.
like paying back everyone who has helped me.
or listening to my grandma talk about wooden pennies.
like publishing my first book.

oh poor sky, don't cry on me. are you going to fall apart again?

i am ready. i am wrong. i am a grown up. i am going to be better than good. this ship is just really big and it's taking a long time to turn it around.

my head plays it over and over.
don't interrupt me.

i get another chance today to be the person i want to be; the person i know i am. i'll probably screw it up but at least i have another day to try not to.

*thanks julie andrews!

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