Thursday, September 22, 2011

30 Things: Day 22

remember this? well, i never!

indeed. some of my associates may say i never finish what i start. okay. accepted. but never? i may not always finish first, but dammit! i finish! and so. here we go. 22 coming in hot.

what makes you different from everyone else


wait, what?

most of us are more alike than we think. we may not look the same, talk the same, or act the same, but we all want to be happy, to be loved, and to make a difference.

it's time that i start making a difference by doing. if i think politics are lame because they divide people, i shouldn't be engaging in political arguments. and i don't. anymore. not because i don't care, i just don't think i can talk about peace while yelling and spitting at Republicans. i'll vote. silently. i'll volunteer again. one day. but the belligerent debates. blah.

because i believe that i "deserve" respect, i need to respect myself and others at all times. not easy to do. this is a real challenge. i mean, i'm exhausted just thinking about it. i have to get in the mindset of, "okay, i don't feel like respecting this person, but i respect myself enough to not disrespect her." if that makes sense. to me it does. show me the same respect i show you? maybe. but maybe not. maybe not. maybe that's the problem. everyone being shitty to everyone being shitty right back.

pause. be grateful. breathe. be yourself. respect yourself. accept yourself. be graceful. love. be loved. take time. go to bed early. stay up late. sleep in. notice the details. speak the truth, when appropriate. let go. be brave. be alone. get married. take compliments. consider criticism. give credit. enjoy your family, when possible. laugh. admit you're scared. hold hands. be true. smile at children, of all ages. pray. read. eat. drink. smoke 'em if you got 'em. forget. deserve respect. accept help. serve others. be gentle. remember. cry. love your babies. make mistakes. try new things. practice. look into some one's eyes. allow yourself to be happy. get worked up. run fast. fall hard. get back up. try again.

and in the depths of your despair ... remember you are no different than everyone else. and that's a good thing. for once.

Monday, September 19, 2011

everyday lies

no human is immune to dishonesty. on some level, we all do it. recently i was asked if there were varying degrees of dishonesty and i have spent some time thinking about that.

yes, there are. i believe there are, anyway.

if someone asks me if i am fine when i am not and i say, "yes." it's a form of dishonesty. my motive? to simply move on about my business and not worry or intrigue the other person. there is no real personal interest in ordinary context. it's a formality. it's a instance of personal privacy.

on the other hand, if someone asks me if i went to the park and i say "no" despite having been at the park... i am upping the stakes. my motive? depending on the person, i want them to "think" a certain way. no i wasn't at the park, i was being miserable. no i wasn't at the park because i told you i was doing something else. i have a selfish interest. not acceptable but not the end of the world. i could have said "no i wasn't at the park because i told you i was going to be somewhere else and that would make you lose trust in me." perhaps true but still not entirely true. go down another level. maybe: "yes. i went to the park. i know i told you i was going to help you move but i just really didn't want to."

lies are complex.

and just as these the above examples vary in degree, so do the substaintally important ones--like the real answers to the following questions:

"did you go to school today?"
"are you seeing someone else?"
"did you take the money out of my wallet?"
"where have you been?"

depending on the who and the who, these can cause some serious pain to the person asking the question and the person receiving the answer. a parent, a lover, a friend, a spouse. depending on the circumstances, promises, relationship, and answers... the dishonest answers definitely constitute a higher degree of a 'lie.' because it takes dishonesty to first, steal the money. and another degree to lie about it.

a liar can debate his or her side for hours. i didn't tell you because i thought it would hurt you. i think that is the greatest lie ever told. if you are so selective--so precise--in just your thinking about others, perhaps you should use that discipline in your actions. if you KNOW something is going to hurt someone, the lie is just another tool used to hurt them. by telling the truth, it at least demonstrates a level of respect.

i believe in people. some say maybe too much. not because i'm a good person, maybe i'm the most deceitful of all. i believe in people because i want them to believe in me. i want them to know that if i have lied before, i am not going to do it again. and that most of my trust is still in tact, that 99% of the time, i tell the truth. and that 99% of the past, i've told the truth. and that makes me who i am and also makes me value that quality in others.

i've told terrible lies before for one reason or another. were my intentions always good? absolutely not. was i looking out for the other person? sometimes? was i looking out for myself? all the time. we have you on camera, stealing the eyeliner. no, not me. maybe i was hell bent on not being wrong in another's eyes; to me that was good. or terrified that i was going to be physically hurt. but i know, as an adult, when it comes to love, parenting, family, friends and trust, you gotta dig deep. those people are going to love you no matter what. but whether they respect you, trust you, continue to have a relationship with you, is another.

you know what's right. do what's right. or try. or try to make up for it.

you shouldn't be so careless with others' feelings.

i am saying these things to myself. if our intentions and motives change so easily, maybe we don't know who we are or what we want. i am fortunate enough to have close enough relationships that people will look me in the eye and say, "this isn't you." i have daughters that are watching me as an example so i have to be diligent in my quest to be better. the worst thing i could ever lose is their trust. we all make mistakes. i expect the truth so i should deliver it under the most critical circumstances.

will i go around telling everyone who asks me if i am fine that no, i am not? that i am falling apart? no. will i expect those who love me to stand by me while i shatter into a billion pieces again? no. i will not. because they have done it before and i know better. i know they are there for me. i know there are ways to never go back to that place. i hope that others can see that i am on the other side of that, too. that i am okay with the truth. that i would rather gulp down 500 gallons of the bitter truth than enjoy one million swallows of the sweetest lie. because in the end, there is truth in being human. there is truth in our flaws and forgiveness. there is also something about being a person that won't accept anything less than the truth. acceptance isn't always delivered in the form of love. sometimes it is delivered in the form of sadness, regret, distance, and pain. but it's the truth. the broken-down, raw, i-was-careless-with-your-feelings truth. and i accept whatever my consequences are. i did this.

the truth wasn't ever promised to always be pretty, or have some redeeming outcome or reward like they show in the movies, but there is something beautiful about setting the truth free.

polonius told his son, 'above all, to thine own self be true... ' am i foolish enough to assume that polonius had never been untrue? maybe he was the biggest liar and that's how he knows. and he wants better for his son. he wants his son to do/be better. even if he starts today. it is never too late. people who lie aren't selfish. they are probably in a lot of pain. being honest is the best thing you can give YOURSELF. being honest is the ultimate form of self-love. we do not have to live with those that tells us lies; they are the ones that have to face themselves. they are not damaging us, they are damaging themselves.

if you walk away, i'll walk away.
just tell me which road i should take.
i don't want to risk our paths crossing someday.
so you walk that way. i'll walk this way.
- bright eyes

this is all a matter of interpretation. i am not judging or saying, well, anything. i am just thinking. i don't even know that i agree that the truth is always the best answer. especially ones from the past that make us who we are and what we value. quite contrary. i am saying, start today, self. start being the person you are. that you were born to be. that you want others to see. you've made more mistakes than you can possibly count. stop. and from now on, each decision, each action ... do right. forgive yourself for the past and make the best of what's next. you fucked up. again. so now, start with the smallest thing and go from there.

 and then you are being true. to you.

that's more selfish than any lie i've ever told.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

i made this bed.

the nights have turned colder. there is a distinct chill in the air. in my bones.
if i had my way, i'd be somewhere warm heading into the cooler season instead of bracing myself for what i expect to be a miserably cold winter.
everything in the world seems so fragile, so volatile. but there is something about the human spirit in soul wrenching pain that makes me thankful. i am feeling anything but numb. and that's the good and bad news.

my grandma is worn out. she just looks at me and says, "life's a bitch." and how.

all in one day, lucy managed to not only snatch a small turd from her diaper, but smear what she didn't eat on my laptop as i took out the garbage. i got a notice that my power was going to be shut off. my rent is past due. there is no food in the house. i've developed a rash on my forehead. i'm missing an eyebrow. my hair is short again and continues to get shorter after a small mishap with chemicals. i was publicly humiliated on facebook by my mother. i have no time to sleep. my current salary ends up being about $5 an hour when i calculate it. my checking account is $200 overdrawn. i've adopted a steady diet of cheap vodka and cigarettes. i want to kick someone in the crotch just because.

oh poor sky. don't cry on me. did someone break your heart again?

i put gas in the loaner car i have been driving with three dollars in quarters. which isn't even a gallon. the same car that has a driver side door that could fly open at anytime ... and does. i pretended not to be hurt when my mom made plans with me and slept through them. again. i don't have a fantasy football team. i don't even know what is going on with football. i am like a cavewoman. i don't know exactly what is going on except that we're all alone in this together.*

and a perfectly shitty day can be completely okay when you get a random text from a friend that says, "Uh I think my roommate is smoking in her room and burning toast to cover it up. Have you ever heard of that?" or when my sister takes time after working a double to say, "you have nothing to be ashamed of. i love you." or when i know i can call a friend and say my power is turned off and within two minutes he's gone online and paid it. or when that stupid effing charcoal canister is finally replaced on my 4runner and it has passed emissions after being unregistered since january because the part cost $900 alone.

now, love, where have you been?

when The Teenager was younger (like ten years ago), things were hard. i was working full time and going to school at night. when i look back on those days, i don't remember the hard times. i remember the results. i know that i am going to tank for a little while longer but as long as i keep things in perspective, remember how blessed i am, know that people love me from afar, and that i have to keep putting on my game face for my girls, i'll be okay. i have so many things to look forward to.

like drinking jameson with bethie and kelly.
like seeing my nephew max.
or meeting my new nephew this fall.
watching The Teenager cheerlead and sign up for driver's ed.
like waking up to lucy's goofy smile every day.
like hanging out with my stinky-footed nieces.
or finally catching that big break where i say, ooooh now i see.
like paying back everyone who has helped me.
or listening to my grandma talk about wooden pennies.
like publishing my first book.

oh poor sky, don't cry on me. are you going to fall apart again?

i am ready. i am wrong. i am a grown up. i am going to be better than good. this ship is just really big and it's taking a long time to turn it around.

my head plays it over and over.
don't interrupt me.

i get another chance today to be the person i want to be; the person i know i am. i'll probably screw it up but at least i have another day to try not to.

*thanks julie andrews!

Friday, September 2, 2011


sometimes i get to the point where i, selfishly, blurt out whatever i'm thinking. i guess you could say i have the "fight or flight" syndrome. i have a really strong physical reaction to things that happen in my life and i demand resolution NOW. recently i've tried a few new tactics like writing "STOP" on one hand and "THINK" on the other. or i'll sleep on a decision or impulse. or i'll walk out of a room. i have a close friend who was telling me about her 6-year-old daughter and how they were dealing with her behavioral problems (which i find adorable, by the way). the techniques I had tried were very similar to the ones my friend had been taught by behavioral experts at the University of Utah.

what is wrong with me?

i internalize things to the point that i can't sleep or focus. i worry about things that are totally irrelevant. i may even be (gasp) obsessing. people accuse me of being dramatic and i think i might be. but why? i don't want to be. i'm exhausted. 

i think i need a vacation. maybe a mini one. i would go camping or up in the mountains for a day. (let's be realistic, i can't go longer than about 4 hours without my girls.) i just need to clear my head. get outside of my head. i need a good laugh or a facial.

i'm over thinking things way too much. and it causes problems. like ulcers, migraines, cold sores, canker sores, eye rashes ... and don't get me started about how i waxed an entire eye brow off. and now, i'm being told that stress is possibly throwing off my ph balance and may result in having to cut off about 5 inches of my hair. it's hard to say. and it's boring. i'm just a small town girl living in a lonely world, i wanna take a midnight train going anywhere.

the obvious answer is headphones and bed. music is always the perfect distraction. tomorrow i will feel better. i guess i am glad that i have emotions. feelings. passion. conviction. even if i'm wrong. i won't stop believing. i'm going to hold on to the feeling.