tonight on my drive home i couldn't stop tears from plopping on to my cheeks one by one. so i finally got the courage to call my doctor. i don't know what i would have said to him if he had actually been there (they were closed, as most doctor offices are at 9pm) but i think i would have probably sobbed for 20 minutes until he refilled my zoloft and sent me on my way.
there is just a point you reach where you feel like maybe it doesn't need to be this hard... and i think i'm close to reaching that point. when i realize i can't be effective or be an agent for change, it's clear my time is more valuable elsewhere. and when it's obvious that i have already reached the highest position in a company--although i am already doing the job of a position above mine--i wonder if it's a good investment. yet there's a catch... why do i care so passionately about my career? so much so that i put everything into it? everything in my life comes second to a job that doesn't reciprocate my love. i work harder for my job than i do for anything else in my life. that's not really something to be proud of.
i want my daughter to live in a world where she doesn't have to work twice as hard as a man for half the salary. there is a boys club where i work. and it's bad. and for those of you who don't know me, you may roll your eyes, but it is blatantly obvious. i am not a feminist or man-hater or gender biased nor do i have a chip on my shoulder. i'm just saying, until you experience the feeling of insignificance and disrespect that many of us ladies have felt lately, you can't understand.
i've worked my ass off in every company i've worked for during the past ten years. i have a degree. i have ideas. i am educated. i am experienced. and i cannot win at this place. it makes me sad. i have my faults, don't get me wrong. but i don't know anyone who is perfect. i get my shit done. i might be late once in a while but i may work until two or three in the morning alot, and yes i am lucky to have a boss who understands, but still falls into the yuck yuck boys club. and as far as the other d-bags...how about this: your breath stinks and you sit and fart in your office, and go to lunch for three hours, and redecorate your offices. p r o d u c t i v i t y . it's the newest thing in corporate america. look into it. (my cube is held together by duck tape.)
if i ever own a company, i will not reward laziness or stupidity by giving incompetent people less responsibilities and more positive attention. i'll fire them and hire erin. or someone who gets stuff done.
i'm exhausted. i love the feeling of accomplishment after an event. but i don't like this feeling right now. not at all.
at my funeral, do i really want my family to say, "well, she put together a hell of an event under budget..." ? no. i want them to say, "her daughter and family were the most important things in her life. she always put them first. she was happy. she laughed. she made us laugh."
that's the person i want to be. that's the balance i'm looking for.