Saturday, October 31, 2009

Rated R for language.

What the hell kind of conspiracy is going on? Of ALL the nights to not lay down and pass out? Tonight, you're going to do this to me? My insomnia is returning TONIGHT? Fine. Bring it on Halloween, you rotten, decaying, plagiarizing, stupid holiday. I won't go into details but ... oh okay, yes, I will.

First of all. We finally hired a designer at work. Day 2. He hates my guts. HATES them. I've watched him secretly give me dirty looks and he puts on fake head phones to "muffle" me out. I think it's because I am obnoxious, loud, funny, attractive, smart, tenacious**, oh, and also because I swear a lot and sit RIGHT next to him. Actually, I think it's mostly because I swear a lot. We have a swear jar. (Long, boring story.) I told the team the swear jar does nothing for me. It is so definitely worth my $2.50 to say, "You goddamned fucking shit ass printer, I'll kill you." I'll keep feeding the kitty. Because they are only words, what they do to your mind is your problem. If you say "Ahhhh, fudge you copier." I literally want to leap out of my chair and choke you. What does that even mean? The intent behind both words is the same.

Anyway, I understand it is offensive (to some people) and so I am working on it. I apologized to him about ... 100 times today and promised to work on my language. He said, "I appreciate it*." Now, the old, rotten, demonic Sharon would have said, "Well I'd appreciate it if you didn't act so shittin' (.50 cents) smart and brag about being happily married, and wear stupid ugly socks!" But I didn't. Because he's a really nice guy and I don't even know what his socks looked like, or if he is married. Actually, Manchild (that's his name) kicks ass (.50 cents) and he is a great designer (so far). I think maybe it will just take some time for him to warm up to me. I sent him HR's email address so he had it on hand.

Anyway, later, someone at work called me a line-crosser: "Carly doesn't know when to stop. She has no lines. She is a line-crosser!" At first I was mad at my so-called "friend" but after thinking about it, I was like, you know what, you're right. I don't have any lines. Oh, and if you are going to talk about corn chowder/mushroom soup barf, and play with your ding dong, and do other disgusting male things, I have no problem telling you I'm on my period. What? So I am. If you insist on looking in my pocket, you're going to find .... gasp! a tampon. The point is, I am who I am. I don't believe in lines or staying within them. Which is why I have no friends.

Anyway, the day ended with friends who say amazing words like "douche-fucking-baggery" and "tough titties" and "shove it up your ass". I also listened to some amazing music, drank a few beers, and talked to one of my favorite people. Actually, many of my favorite people. So. There you have it. Take THAT insomnia!

*There is an awesome story about convention where these exact words were used. Final day of convention as my staff and I were walking to dinner:

Girl: blah blah blah blah blah blah
Everyone: blaah blah blah bahhl ablahah
Girl: and then that goddamned effing box landed on.....
Someone: hey! she said "effing"! good job, you're doing better.
Girl: hey, yea, i did. thanks.

pause, walking, more walking

Girl (proudly looking at CHRIS): i am working on it.
CHRIS: "I appreciate it."

pause, walking, more walking

Someone whom I will never invite to staff convention again: "Wait, you just rewarded her for not saying the F word when it was preceded by "GD"?

Some people. Wait until your kid gets knocked up at 15, just wait. Language is nothing to get upset about. If it takes your mind to dirty, dirty places, talk to your therapist. That's not my problem. "Shitass" and "Cherrios" give me the same feeling inside my heart.

I will stop using JC and GD at work. Because some people are offended, understandably, and because it's in the 10 Commandments. (Side note: I would love it if people used my name in vain. You know, go around saying "Susan B. Anthony!" Or, "Carlydamn you, carlydamn you straight to hell. You carlydamned selfish sonofabitch." Maybe even, "Fix this carlydamned printer before my head explodes!" Anyway, if you too need a substitution, you have my permission.)

**Sales and Marketing gave me this as my strongest characteristic trait: tenacious. I'm still trying it on for size. B-to-the-G told me it just means I'm a bitch, but I kind of like it. Now when people say, so ... tell me about yourself. I can say, "I'm tenacious. Fuck off. Here's a dollar."


  1. I fucking love this. I love this like a fucking fat kid loves fucking cake. I evenfuckinglove it more that you wrote it at 4:30 in the fucking morning.

    I love it so much, I went back and changed the wording in my most resent blog to include queef. You line crosser, you...such an inspiration to trash talkers like me.

    I love it.

    I fucking love it.

    I'll wire you $6.00 for all the fuckings I just typed out. Shit, now it's $7.00. Damn, $7.50.

  2. Just saw this while looking for Saints tickets

    "Family section 344 (alcohol and foul language not permitted)"

    Apparently the potty mouth police DO exist!!!

  3. I laughed the entire way through, probably because I know you... and yeah, anyone else might be highly offended. And yes, some of those words are not my favorite, but you still love me and I still love you and we coexist...

    Morgan doesn't hate you. But he probably would like it if you swore away from his desk. :)

  4. There is no better to end a really shitty Sunday than reading your blog and laughing so hard water spits across my desk and hits my computer. Thanks.

  5. ha ha. i love you all.
    and words are neutral. remember that. they are simply letters with sounds. we give them meaning.
    i'm glad someone understands my sarcasm. after all, i have good intentions. really.


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