enormous changes at the last minute

sometimes i complain. i am trying not to but god dammit, i am only human.

i don't have any complaints at the moment. but i am a contradiction expert of sorts.

for example, i'll say 'no' when i mean 'yes'. i will smile when i am not happy. i'll pretend to be listening but i am not, usually. or i'll say i don't complain when it's a well known fact that all i do is complain. and i have also been referred to as dramatic. i disagree but i am amicable with my critics.

it's no secret that i have issues that reach far into the universe that my mortal body will eventually have to face but will avoid in my next life ... by choosing to be a plant or a really smart dog.

anyway, the really, really, really abstract point is ... i love birds. i do. they bring messages. they bring comfort. they sing. they are adorable. and on and on. maybe i'll write a tremendously boring blog about birds one day. i digress, i usually can interpret their messages. but i have a small problem... there is bird in my belly right now that i can't understand. and it is making me sick. it's convincing me that i have a brain tumor, the swine flu, an infected ulcer, or any other illness that makes you super sick and ornery. throwing up, headaches, stomach ache, the usual cold/flu symptoms, oh, and being a jerk to your boyfriend. the bird flutters and says that i should run. really, really, really fast somewhere and hide. or fly. i am, after all, a pajarito myself. i am accustomed to running and flying fast.

i'm just sick. so maybe the bird is telling me to hide for a week under the covers and sleep? not likely. birds are messengers, not lazy like cats or three-toed sloths. and i have big plans for 2010. you should see our pad. it's really coming together. and my daughter made my day the other night with just five unexpected words. and my boyfriend is an insomniac but also... (ok, i'll go ahead and say it, but keep in mind, i have a fever and may be clinically daft)... i have a boyfriend who unexpectedly came into my life that i love, like, love love. i know, i swore i wouldn't be one of those assholes but i am.

he won't let me run. he's smart. he is obsessed with music. and he has defied death for me--he didn't know at the time he was doing it for me, but turns out, he was. (ok, that's a stretch but it might be a lifetime movie one day.) he has changed me. he's adorable, funny, and loves Gizmo.

anyway, the year is exactly opposite of what i expected--which is usually the case with most things in my life. and the bird in my belly is usually an indicator of enormous changes at the last minute(1). and i love change. i do. so i guess i just need to convince my body that it is a sickness of excitement rather than something that is tragically wrong. so, bring on the diet of chicken broth and coca-cola. i am sick with excitement!

(1) Grace Paley