Sunday, January 24, 2010

I found extreme joy in this...

It's Sunday. I went to bed last night at... 8pm, I think. Nevertheless I woke up at 3am and was completely cranky. As the sun rose and the coffee brewed, I started taking care of business. Apparently, people DO work on Sundays (outside of Utah). I would like to give big props for those dedicated people.

First on my list was Wells Fargo ... this has been an ongoing issue since the end of December. To make a long story short, after getting NO help at a branch location, I decided to email the corporate office yesterday. This morning I awoke to a reply from the aforementioned email requesting a credit of $70 (2 overdraft fees) on my account. There were three unauthorized charges of $170 each within 6 days from my daughter's orthodontist. (Three charges in 6 days!) I had no idea. I had gone to Del Taco on one of the days so I got charged $35 for my $6 meal. Anywho, I had visited the Hell branch and per their suggestion called Whitney in D##### (my "home" branch). The home branch is the location you open your account in and has the authority to both reverse overdrawn fees and transfer your account to another location. When she was no help at ALL, I sent this to Wells Fargo (keep in mind, I had a limit on letters so it's broken up:

To Whom It May Concern:
My home branch is in D#####;I live in M#######.I asked Whitney (in Draper - oops) 2 things: Please allow a courtesy reverse on the last two overdraft fees on 1/22 of $35.00 ea.I have been with WF for almost a year. The ONLY reason the NSFs occurred was because of THREE discrepancies and UNAUTHORIZED charges by my orthodontist. TWO charges of $120 were charged on 12/30 and another $120 was charged on 1/6. This is the worst customer service I have ever experienced...I have NEVER requested a reversal with WF. In fact, I have referred several people to WF. Secondly, I requested my acct to be moved to the Springville branch. It's much easier for me to bank there. The Hell Branch was unable to help me without Draper's permission on both issues. Whitney didn't seem to care or give me a direct answer as to why she wouldn't do either. Either way, my account will be closed by the end of the week.

Original Message Follows: ------------------------
Dear Lady #######:

We are sorry that the service you received did not meet your expectations. We constantly strive to provide you with the highest level of customer service. I have forwarded the details of your experience to the appropriate management team.

When you move, there is no need to transfer your account from one branch to another. Since your account information is available at all of our branch locations, there is no "home branch" for your account. We want you to feel welcome at all of our branches. Please feel free to use any Wells Fargo location as your personal branch. (EXACTLY what Whitney said, almost verbatim.)

We have reviewed your request to reverse the overdraft fees assessed to your account. Our review indicates the fees were correctly applied and they will not be waived via email.

Blah blah blah....


My response (not altered in anyway):

Original Message Follows: ------------------------


I want a personal banker who is close to me, i.e. Hell. I know that I don't have to change branches but I liked the personal service I received in Hell.

Thanks for the same canned answer you have so well trained your employees to say.

I hope you have a fanfuckingtastic day.

Second up: TMOBILE. This is when I apparently turned in Sharon from the South. I tried to get online support four times, and was told that all online agents were busy and I was number 8 in the queue. So I decided to change my help request from an existing customer to a new customer in the little "What Can We Help You With?" box.

Again, not altered (except for my social security number):

me: why do non t-mobile customers get priority over existing t-Mobile customers, particularly t-Mobile customers of 12 years? I don't think this is fair!
You have been connected to _Kristen P.
me: that's not my real question.i would like to know if i can pay my bill in full on monday (tomorrow) as the bank is closed today and i can't deposit my check.
_Kristen P: I would be happy to look into that for you today.
_Kristen P: I know how important it is for you to stay on top of your billing, lady.
me: i understand marketing and i know that that is how you do business and i also know it's not your fault--'the whole take new customers first. anyway, i am grumpy this morning.
_Kristen P: No problem.
me: yea, since this whole "gone green" thing, i get confused when my bills are due. and then, next thing you know, it's already a month later!
_Kristen P: I can definitely understand that.
me: i am late on my period too.
me: damn things, i wish they would come as quickly as these damn t-mobile bills. LOL.
_Kristen P: I am just looking over your account right now, Lady.
_Kristen P: Can you please verify the last four digits of your SSN?
me: 1111
_Kristen P: Thank you for that information.
_Kristen P: I do show that there is a past due balance on your account, but it does not show that it has been suspended or anything like that.
_Kristen P: I can leave a note on the account that you will be making that payment tomorrow, if you like.
me: that would be great! i hate those reconnection fees. i will definitely take care of it. thank you SO MUCH!
_Kristen P: I also wanted to let you know that I looked over your account and I see that you are on a plan with 700 shared minutes. It looks like the plan that you are on is working out well for your needs at this time.
me: i am writing you a letter of recommendation; you are smarter than everyone at WellsFargo, HP Computers, and my orthodontist's office.
_Kristen P: Thank you for that. That is very nice of you.
me: yes, thank you. there was an overage with my coworkers last month--they thought it would be smooth to call both my work AND personal phone (they aren't smart) but otherwise, we have a good plan.
me: oh, two last things:
me: 1. who is your supervisor and where should i send your letter of recommendation?
me: 2. do you think it's a boy or a girl?
_Kristen P: I think that there is a survey at the end of your chat that you can fill out for me.
me: thank you! i'll wait until august i guess :)
_Kristen P: You are very welcome.
_Kristen P: I hope you have a great day.
me: you too!
_Kristen P: Thank you.
_Kristen P: Thank you for contacting T-Mobile Chat, and thanks for being part of our family.

Needless to say, there was no survey at the end of the Chat. Don't worry, I wrote down the specific time, date, etc. so I can write her a sincere letter. Also of critical note: I am NOT late. I am actually on my period. Let me repeat that: NO MISSED PERIOD.

I also want to give you an update on the Wells Fargo issue. I just got a message from the only person with a brain in the company (a woman) and she had a brilliant idea. File the three charges to be investigated and stop all further withdrawals from the orthodontist who I plan to chastise for:
1. The aforementioned charges that ruined my life. Hey! I'm unemployed! That's a lot of money! $360 in 6 days!
2. A letter the editor. We live in a small town and I bet I could start a commotion. I bet some lady would even say he grabbed her boob.
2. His stupid 4th of July fireworks. (He got licensed to let them off himself.)
3. His daughter wore the same dress as my daughter to the Christmas dance. (Dude, you're a billionaire, you HAVE to shop at Macy's?)

Anyway, I woke up feeling like shit and now I feel so much better. This brings up the question ... does this make me an asshole? Answer: YES!


  1. I love this. I write nasty letters to most recent was to the MGM Grand in Las Vegas about their Paul Blartt security guard asshole. I get it from my dad...he started telling credit card companies that he was dead like a billion years ago when they would call non stop for him, he would write them letters telling them of the tragedy of his death and they would believe him (hmmm, actually, I think that's fraud, Daaaad!!!). I don't quite fein death to get out of paying overdue bills, but I've used enough literary middle fingers to fill 3/4 of a curse jar and make someone go grab the lube before they continued to the end of my letter. :)

    Uhhmmmm...August? Uhhhhh...hello, what is that?!

  2. I love love loved that post. The problem seems to mainly lie with the orthodontist. Rip him a new asshole.

    I had very similar issues with Elevate.

    I loved the exchange with TMobile except for the 3 letters LOL which make me angry every time I see them together.

  3. God!!! I love you! and miss you!

  4. "Carly Ashby: i am writing you a letter of recommendation; you are smarter than everyone at WellsFargo, HP Computers, and my orthodontist's office."

    That was my favorite part and made me laugh out loud.

  5. Dear Carly,
    I have read this here blog with a decent amount of both skepticism and aplomb. I enjoyed both.

    Believe me, I grinned. Then, I grinned again. Then, I rested.

    After, I chuckled.

    Your time seems precious. Please contact me if you would like to reconnect. Anthony.


chew it up or spit it out: