Thursday, February 4, 2010

So you saved the world? Big deal.

i had a dream the other night that i saved the world. it went like this:
those still alive on the planet knew that destruction was near so all survivors gathered around for a pearl jam concert as the anticipated flames of the fire (that was destroying the earth) encroached towards us.

i, unwilling to accept eradication of the world, used my powers to turn the fire into a huge tarp of some kind and threw it down on the other side of the mountain. it wasn't even that hard. i told the news stations my name was jill so they wouldn't harass me and ran back to the concert. i think i was unwilling to accept the end of pearl jam more than life. as a reward, eddie called "jill" up on stage. i had dreamed about this day for so long! i was standing next to him, studying every line in his face and watching his hair occasionally catch a piece of ash, when i realized that the band didn't care about me. they didn't give a shit that i had saved the world.

eddie vedder acted like i was just another fan that had some kind of disease or special talent. she's fighting cancer or can sing 'Alive' in three languages. alright jill! in fact, the most memorable part was eddie and jeff yelling at me each time i spoke into the mic because i forgot to "push the button!" god, jill is stupid.

after i was ushered off the stage, i felt almost embarrassed.

it reminded me of my childhood and being embarrassed to tell people when i did something good. like when i wrote a book or won a contest. i don't know if it's because i thought people would make fun of me, or if it was simply because i was a huge nerd. (no, seriously, i was still playing "private detectives" and "office workers" when i was in high school.)

and now as i watch my daughter go to Junior High and get embarrassed over EVERYTHING, it breaks my heart. by thirteen, our dreams and fantasies and hopes become unrealistic and we settle for mediocrity because we don't look like the airbrushed people driving around Beverly Hills. why? if we believed in ourselves like my 6-year-old niece believes in herself, we'd be something amazing. but who is going to stand up and yell "I am the most beautiful girl in all the land!!!!" at 34? or even 18? no one. because people would laugh.

it is discouraging. and i'll be the first to admit that i often repress more than self-confidence. sometimes i squash out good ideas, gut feelings, all emotion, or feelings of happiness. it's been a rough year. the future feels bleak. can we change it? i just want to be happy. i just want to smile. i don't want to carry a bag around of bad memories, fights, resentment, and shitty experiences. i crave just simple happiness, that's all. even if it means having a mullet, not being cool, and making home movies all day. because those were the happiest days of my life.

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