you don't have to hang with crazy...

a long, long time ago i was going through a very difficult, heartbreaking time. it seems like a dream. i was a zombie going through the motions of something i would never do.

i asked a lady named Mary if she would give me something like valium because i had to go home and deal with a crazy family.

she said no. and then she stopped, turned around and said, "you don't have to hang with crazy, you can walk away from crazy."

at the time, her advice made sense and was even humorous. and i survived the next few days without medication or therapy. and the ebb and flow of crazy continues even to this day. and while i am really, really discouraged and quite defeated, i don't know that i agree with Mary. only cowards walk away. i do have to hang with crazy. i have a grandma that is so sick she is sitting here moaning and whimpering. she won't answer me. she won't talk. she may be crazy. she will only shake her head and whimper. but i can't walk away.

i want to give up. i want to run. i am exhausted. i feel alone. i feel like people use me for what they need. i feel like people are lying to me. i know people are lying to me. i feel like people prey on my kindness. my gut tells me that something is not ok. but i won't be no runaway. cause i don't want to run. what makes you think i enjoy being led to the flood? we got another thing coming undone. that's taking us over.

that's taking us forever.

i might blame this discontent, uncertainty, and hesitation on the extra cold weather. i'm so over it. i want to blame it on selfish people. i don't like seeing people in pain, emotionally or physically. i don't like people who are completely consumed with themselves. i don't like liars. i hate being lied to.

*paragraph omitted*

but there's no saving anything. so i won't be a runaway. cause i won't run.