Saturday, February 6, 2010

How a person begins to rot.

It is Saturday morning and it is raining outside. I woke up around 7:30 am with a headache and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I don't mind the headache, though. I haven't had a hangover for a long time and the pain was a pleasant reminder of last night: a much needed girls night with two of my sisters and several girlfriends.

I tried to wake up Nick and explain to him that today is the last day I can check the younger-ish box on forms like this:

After tomorrow, I am officially in the 35-49 range! He said that some forms list 25-39. Either way, I am having a little bit of anxiety about turning 35. I was down with 30. But this one, it hurts a little. Most people wouldn't guess I am 35 but I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. When their jaws drop and they slowly mouth "thirty-five" I don't know if I should be like, 'hell yea 35 never looked so good!' or 'hell yea I am really that fucking old.' Anyway, I'm going to go fill out a bunch of forms today just because I can. Let the rotting begin!

How A Person Begins To Rot
by Carly

The Beginning
I have been rotting lately and I mean that literally. For the last few days I thought I had the flu. My body temp was around 93 degrees, I was going into shock, I went in and out of semi-comas ... it just kept getting worse. I was confused and kind of crazy. Okay, really crazy. And really depressed and frustrated because I had just recovered from a case of the 10-day flu. Odd.

Anyway, no flu. I was hours away from renal failure and inevitable death. (And before anyone freaks out, please know I am perfectly healthy and the rotting has been reversed, removed, stopped, resolved, whatever.) It was a traumatic experience, and I mean traumatic. I now know what a decomposing body smells like. Rot. The rancid smell still lingers in the house today, reminding me that at 35 years old, a person begins to rot. Now I know the affects an atrophic body has on the brain. The whole experience gave me a new outlook on life. Perhaps it explains why I have been so mean and rotten lately. (Coincidentally, it also explains why old people are so mean.)

I glanced at a few articles and 35 is the factual age when the rotting process begins. Here are some things I learned from my research:
> After age 35, women lose up to 1 percent of their bone mass each year (rotting bones).
> Getting pregnant after age 35 is risky (because of your rotting ovaries).
> At 35 your skin stops regenerating cells. (and I assume starts rotting?)
> PH balances in women over 35 change and they start looking old immediately.
> 35 year old women will start to gain weight, rapidly.
> At age 35, women start to notice pigment changes of moles.
> Around 35 women will notice pre-menopause symptoms.
> Night sweats in elderly women are common.

It's all there. Clinical studies have shown it. Sweet mother Mary of Jesus.

Coping with the Rot
Please don't tell me to be optimistic; let me get it out. I don't need any opposing points of view on this one. It's a crisis. It's inevitable. We're all going to rot. Today I am still youthful and attractive ... tomorrow, well, my driver license won't be the only thing expired.

Now. The upside. Once the putrefaction stopped inside my body, I started to feel better emotionally and had a much clearer perspective. I realized that I have been rotten in nature--to my family, the poor people at Wells Fargo, people on TV, animals, pretty much anyone I came into contact with. I have even been extremely cantankerous to my boyfriend, whose rotting guts I love. So, duly noted. I mean, Sharon has always been a little rowdy but I do feel bad about my family and boyfriend.

Lastly, I would like to tell you how a person can reverse the rotting process or at least make it somewhat tolerable. While I was in bed, my body internally decaying, Nick came home and brought me a plastic bag with three things in it: Junior Mints, a Coke, and a used copy of Don Quixote. I am not sure that in my organs-shutting-down state I let him know how in love I was with his gift and him. It was thoughtful, adorable, perfect, sweet, subtle, considerate and meant so much to me. Don Quixote. Awesome. He just knew.

You can also either slow down or speed up the rotting process with alcohol. Depending on how much you drink, what you drink, how often, etc. I find that it kills bacteria so I am going to ignore the articles about the speeding up part.

The End

So that is the long version of how a person begins to rot. Now I have to go take care of my grandma, who I think is very rotten (inside, no offense) and may be dying. She's very ill.

So sentimental
Not sentimental no !
Romantic not disgusting yet...


  1. I'm having a little bit of a mental break down with 29 coming up in June. 29...last year of my 20's. Depressing. I've been on blood pressure meds sicne 18 and my cholesterol is not looking fabulous for sometime now. The BP meds and the overall hormonal issues have caused my hair to thin...I have been rotting for a while now. (sigh) I think the alcohol is like preservatives...

  2. karma-latte,
    you are too young to have blood pressure and cholesterol problems. i can help you with your cholesterol. really. you are far from rotting. you have six years. let's reverse it while we can?
    what do you say?


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