random t h o u g h t s tonight

i am IN LOVE with the show Due Date and am wondering if anyone else:

a) loves it, too
b) thinks it's the Planes, Trains, & Automobiles of our generation
c) also wants Zack Galifianakis to be part of their family*
d) thinks the movie has one of the most apropos soundtracks ever made

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i can see heaven in my baby's big blue eyes. when she stares into mine, i wonder what she sees.

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forgiveness. it's a tough one. my girls and i went and visited my dad this week. so, so, so, so, so many things i feel. just, too much to even write about. but it occurred to me, as i watched him from my window scratching "2011 CARLY CHLOE LUCY" on the beach in GIGANTIC letters, that my dad is the only living man that loves all three of us in that way. in the way he does. as a father and a grandfather. no one else in my life has that kind of love for ALL of us girls. i am pretty sure it's similar to the way i love my girls. and, well, it's getting deep in here. anyway. it was nice to see my dad and spend time with him. but i cannot describe what it felt like watching him love my girls. both of them. genuinely. more than life itself. naturally. it's an unbelievable feeling. and he does love them. and judging by this picture, i think someone else fell in love, too.

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blogs, facebook, twitter ... all this social-fucking-flaunt-your-perfect-pretend-life-media. it's not real. it's turning us into a culture where "keeping up with the jones'" is no longer about who has the nicest boat or car. it's now "keeping up with a million, perfect, airbrushed, successful, entitled, rich, skinny, trouble-free, got it all figured out jones'". and it's bullshit. no one's life is perfect. i appreciate people not being negative and airing their dirty laundry online; i appreciate the inspirational quotes; i appreciate hearing a great story or accomplishment; i like updates about kids; i enjoy reading about music; i like reading about lessons in life, funny stories, realizations, amazing experiences. i just don't appreciate the play by play of insecure people saying how great their life is because they had the best tuna melt of their entire life, or that their engagement ring was $4k, or that they hand-stitched matching outfits for their family photos, or that their husband is the most amazing man alive, or that church was fun. if it's that great -- and i am not talking about a generally upbeat facebook or blog -- i am talking about the ridiculous ones where there is never any humility. ahhh, who the hell cares. right? i just don't see it ending well. i see comparison and denial and narcissism and something that isn't right. i don't know. maybe, because i'm not an overachiever, i don't understand. and maybe i don't quilt. or cook. or make everyone in my life blissfully happy. i just, if your life is so great, live it. how do you have the time to be on facebook with all these "friends"? LIVE IT. and if you want to share it with someone, everyone, get a film crew to follow you around and feed your ego by watching your life over and over again. i don't know what's happening or where this is coming from so i am done. with that.‡

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there is a lot of world out there. i want to see it. i want my girls to see it. i don't want "stuff" anymore. i want what i have, actually, a little less "stuff" than i have, and i want to DO something.

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they are building a Cafe Rio less than two miles from my house. c.j. and i are SO excited we can't even stand it.

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i see good in people. i see an innate goodness in people. i believe in it. i have tried to stop myself from this, almost as if i am being naive or weak or deceived, but i won't ever stop seeing the good in people. we all fuck up. but if you can make someone's day better, you might change his or her life. with just one little act of kindness. be good. i want to be good. life is short.

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i have recently decided that i must do something: see garth brooks in concert one more time.

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music is one of the most important things for our souls, our bodies, our hearts, and our state of mind.

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*question answered: (c.j. unprompted said, "he HAS to be our ganny†")

†ganny: we have decided that we need a nanny. but not a girl, so a manny. actually, a ganny. a very handsome, strong, fun, gay man that loves kids to come and live with us and help me. he would be able to help chloe with her wardrobe (since i clearly have no taste), he would help me carry my little LuLu so my back doesn't hurt, he would cook, he would be fun, and we would love him, he would go on vacation with us. and he could lay in bed and watch videos with us with no fear of him putting the moves on me or c.j. WHAT? i may old but i still ... i'll stop there. anyway. we are looking for a ganny. and Galifianakis qualifies as a ganny because both names start with the letter G.

‡of course i am aware i am a hypocrite. a bitter contradiction of myself. don't read too much in the psyche. jealous? annoyed? resentful? tired? ranting? it's nothing personal directed towards anyone. i honestly worry about it in regards to kids growing up with the constant need to compare themselves with everyone else, be better, buy more expensive things, pretend to be happy, popular, flawless ... i think it comes from that. if i had facebook in high school. i probably would have had a nervous breakdown. anyway. bleck.