Thursday, June 30, 2011

i know. i know. i know. i know, i know, i know. i know.

the world was right and i was wrong. again.

but now i know.

i work 20 hours out of every day. when i sleep, i wake up from nightmares. i am trying desperately hard to hold it together. there is an endless supply of both support and adversity that starts at 6am and continues throughout the day. and even when the lesson is learned, another blow comes my way. i try not to drool optimism nor despair; all the guests at the pity party have been invited to leave. this is the path of least resistance. even my tentative thoughts race through my mind quietly so i don't set off more internal conflict.

i am not a weak person. i am not fragile. i am not who everyone thinks i am. i don't believe in superstitions and i am not going to cling to any daunting this-is-the-end-only-jesus-can-save-me-now bullshit. i appreciate the character building and the nightly infusion of strength. my baby anchors and everything i've learned in life until now remains in tact. i seem to crash through each day, some days more gracefully than others.

there is no truth. truth is for people seeking unrealistic ideals. "truth" tattooed on my wrist isn't a fucking choose the right reminder. it never was. i put it there to deflect lies from the mouths of others. to make me stop and think. it's a reminder that people lie and deceive, and i need to stop listening. unfortunately the word only seemed to attract the opposite behavior. even still, it's not their faults. it's mine. i believe exactly what i want to. i don't need to prove anything to anyone. i know my truth. and i try to live it and i fail. and it's easier and less expensive to not live it. and still, i can't really sell myself out after living this many years being me.

so now that i have finally cleared the path ahead and turned the corner at dangerously high speeds to transcend into the future as quickly as possible, it is time to stop being so hard on myself. i need to let the physical toll this is taking on my body subside. it is over. i can stop internalizing everything and begin to enjoy having my soul back. whatever fucking honorable intentions i had were fallacies i told myself. no one else did anything to me. the only person i should be blaming or thanking is myself. this may be the hardest lesson i have ever taught myself but there is no question that i have not learned from it. again.

oddly enough, with these small waves of conviction and reprieve, i have a soundtrack that is steadily playing in my mind. my head plays it over and over again. no hymns. no dark, self-loathing death metal. just songs that have always fed my soul. and, because i have been sent two different versions of this song this week, i am adding it to the catalog of the last six months of shedding my skin. next up: The Realist. i am the most realistic idealist in the world.

Thanks Billy. (If that's your real name ... )

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child,
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

She takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
And she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

- Billy Joel, She's Always A Woman


  1. OH. MY. GOD. On my way to SLC to meet you last Thursday, this song came on the radio. Who knows what station would have been playing this song. But, there it was. And I blasted it, and I sang every word, and I cried. I mean, I CRIED. It was ridiculous. And, I made fun of myself for crying, but I could NOT get over how lovely the lyrics are. I could not believe that I didn't have this song on my iPod. It became my favorite song in the moment. So, take that for what it's worth, other half. Wow. Awesomeness.

  2. total awesomeness.

    consider it taken. shhhhh.


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