i've always been a big believer in change. and yet i play it safe. i always have.
i have been saying for years that i want to move and then i always find a reason to stay.
i have a lot of good reasons to stay.
but today, i think i just realized i have more reasons to leave.
and i think i'm ready.
i think that is why i have found myself crippled with anxiety and heartache. and life has always forced me to be where i need to go. i think i have finally figured out what it's saying to me now.
today was a really hard day for me. father's day usually is. for reasons i can't even recount. but this year, it was the hardest one that i have ever experienced. in terms of emotions and an intense physical response.
what do i have to lose? i've lost so much already. i've been living under the illusion that people need me. that if i leave, i will regret it. but i am not helping anyone. i have to live for myself. and i think i know what i need to do. maybe. probably.
the last time i felt like this, i was blessed by a daughter. unexpected.
this time, i feel. well, terrified. but compelled to do something that i have always said i would do but never believed i could.
it's time. for the biggest change of my life. the biggest risk. and hopefully, the biggest reward. maybe another mistake, but how do i know? it might be the last chance i have. i remember who i am. i remember what i want. i know what i am capable of.
the switch has been flipped. i am going with my gut. please, please, please do the right thing.