Saturday, October 8, 2011

let it be.

i guess i expected the turn i've been waiting for, for so long, to come in some grandiose form. i'd meet a blue-eyed stranger and fall madly in love; i would win the lottery; i'd catch a huge break; i'd be discovered; my book would write itself; one day i'd wake up and everything would be okay; or at the very least, i'd be hit by a train. but when it's all said and done, it (whatever "it" is) came when i least expected it. in fact, the turn came so fast i almost drove right over it. but for once, i didn't. 

nothing "happened" to me. there was no sonic boom or a flash of light. no one came around and became the person i wanted them to be. there was no cathartic epiphany. it was a culmination of things i have been working on for a long time. this isn't working. change. that didn't work. stop. every day, do at least one thing differently. don't sacrifice what you want in the future for something you want right now. keep doing it. then, start doing two things differently, better. and when you slip, correct it. or just let it go.

and everyday when you really try and things get worse, be thankful that at least things are changing. something is happening. on the days that things feel right, write down what you did and do more of that.

eventually, even though things aren't perfect, they start getting better. you feel better. you remember who you are. you make progress.

i know this sounds like ambiguous garble. maybe some direct application is warranted but exposing too much here seems in bad taste. and yet, when the words spill out in front of me, it helps me acknowledge patterns, mistakes, reality. and acceptance is the final stage of loss.

sure, i've pretended to accept things for a while. at times, i have even believed that i had. "things" being my life, my love, my beliefs, what i believed in my heart, my choices, my conviction. but deep down, i still thought if i just try a little bit harder, things will work out. if i am more patient, understanding, and trust, i can change reality.

i had a need to be heard. to understand. i thought, at the very least, i deserve the truth. i thought if i could just figure out what happened, or why, i could accept it. but somethings cannot be understood. i don't need to give people a chance to explain. the results are already there. does it really matter how we got here? it doesn't change anything.

sometimes when your mind is rational and logical, your heart isn't. your heart still has hope. and the scariest part of giving up on something is knowing in your mind AND in your heart that it's done.

so, here it is. the end. my heart has finally accepted reality. the reality that no matter how much you love someone, no matter if you "believe" they are the person you know they are capable of being, no matter if you give one more chance for all the right reasons, in the end, sometimes, it doesn't mean they love you. even if they say they do. even if you believe they do. even if at times, you know they have. your heart finally pulls out its little white flag and says, i give up. everything i wanted, everything i tried, everything i prayed for, everything i believed, everything i had faith in ... it finally came to a screeching halt. not a pause, not a time out, not a if-i-give-him-time-space-love-it'll-be-okay ... it just stops. because the outcome is the same. over and over again. and it's not a conscious thing. it's more of a shift of thinking. i shifted what my future looks like without "him". and then my brain and heart synced up and realized that we're going to be better than good, we haven't done anything wrong, we deserve better, and holy shit we're happy. again. and excited about the future. i can still have all the things i want. in fact, now i WILL have all the things i want.

when someone says, "i never loved you. you drove me fucking crazy and that's why i did drugs. you need help. you're a bad person." you get to stop blaming yourself, you realize that this is what i was fighting for? this is the person i gave my heart to? this is the person i want to be with? this is the person i cared for, waited for, forgave, trusted, let go because it was the best thing for him? this is the person i put before myself? this is the person i want around my daughters? no. that's when you say, okay, i'm going to digest this. thank you for your feedback. i am sorry you felt that way, i didn't realize. and you walk away. it doesn't matter if just two weeks ago he was telling you he loved you. it doesn't matter if you believed you could be a family. it doesn't matter if you opened up to him and told him your deepest fears and dreams. no amount of love letters, poems, promises or short periods of bliss you felt over the past two years, can make up for a blatant lack of respect or humility. things have changed. everything has changed but him. and oh, i don't need this shit. i don't want a family if it means being lied to, cheated on, used, or ignored. i don't want to even be friends with a person who treats me that poorly. i've said some mean things, i've gotten angry, but i didn't do anything but give you love, chances, and forgiveness. oh, and the opportunity to show me over and over again how little you care about me. 

i am closer than ever to being back to my true self. this time, i saw the signs and instead of diving in blindly or playing into the same old bullshit and drama, i changed my behaviors. i called my friends and family. i did what i said i was going to do. i asked for help. i reflected. and then, i saw things objectively and from a different perspective. and i am so thankful that i didn't get what i thought i wanted. because i have what i want. and i know why i feel the way i do. and i know i've been honest. i know i won't regret forgiving too many times. i know i won't regret making myself vulnerable. i know i won't regret trying. i don't even regret trusting. i didn't fail. i know i can look at my baby every single day and know that in the end, we got what we need and deserve and want. and every single day i choose my life and create my happiness.

the pain and hurt doesn't go away overnight, but it teaches you about yourself. it's not about him or her. or them. or drugs. or anything i did. it's about how things always end. 

and now, it's about me. and the reason that things are the way they are, is because i won't settle for something that i know isn't right. i won't allow dysfunction and heartache in my life. i won't let the cycle continue. from the greatest pain comes the greatest growth. and i have not done anything wrong. i haven't "made" anyone do drugs. i am not a bad person. i am an amazing mother. i have worked my ass off to provide for my girls. i have gone without power, food, love, and sleep to make sure that my girls have consistency, security, trust, and all of me.

i finally see things and people for who they really are. and i stand by my choices. i have been honest. i haven't used people as a means. i haven't taken anything away from anyone. i have done what i believe is right. the only responsibility i have is to take care of, provide for, and love my girls. and that's what i've always done and what i will continue to do. and that responsibility and maternal instinct comes above any selfish delusion of "what could have been." 

without even realizing it, every time i let go, i was making room for better things. and now, i've reached a place where i see a totally different future. and it's a really good one. i didn't need a distraction, a new boyfriend, more money, or an excuse to get to this point. i don't need anyone to blame. i just needed time. i needed help from others who really love me. i needed small successes. i needed reminders of who i am. i needed great advice and clarity. i needed time alone to figure it out. and maybe i even needed the "fuck you" and "eat a di*k" and "she's a c**t" to realize exactly what i DON'T need. 

it doesn't make me weak or selfish because i loved someone. it doesn't make me crazy because i got angry when someone lied to me or cheated on me. it makes me human. and that's who i am. i won't apologize for that. and i am so blessed with unconditional love from so many people. i owe it to everyone who sees me as the person i am capable of being, to be that person. and this week ... was brutal. but we made it happen. and by we, well, you know who you are. i am exactly where i am supposed to be. 


  1. the words you write always come at the perfect time for me. I'm sorry it was so rough but thank you for going through it and sharing so that I could get what I just did from it. I needed it.


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