Stupidity is Contagious

Today I made the mistake of going out in public. Typically I try to avoid social situations, especially on Tuesdays when all the stupid people seem to flock to the streets.

First, suffice it to say that bad drivers should be shot. Maybe it's time to ban cell phones and iPods all together. Or, for the lady who almost side-swiped me, put down your fucking cheeseburger and DRIVE! As she was feeding her face and breaking four traffic laws, I was forced to swerve, honk, and use five swear words in front of my daughter.

Second, the trifecta: Lazy, stupid, obese people. I know I am going to hell for this. I know I am. But I sat and watched some fat ass let a 16-year-old girl load bags of ice into his car at Sonic. No, he was not in the drive-thru. He was sitting at one of the parking spots, which required her to squeeze in between his car and the order board -- on rollerblades -- and put five bags of ice into his back seat. All the while his fat ass sat in the car sucking down a slurpee. Really, dude? You're that big of a glutton? Screw you, buddy.

Third, just stupid people in general. They are out in swarms. From the ugly faces they pull as they shuffle along grocery store aisles or the way they take 5 minutes to fill out a deposit slip at the bank. Get your shit together, people. Case in point: Red Box is a horrible idea for communities like mine. People aren't smart enough to figure it out. Especially housewives on xanax. The sign clearly said, "This Red Box is not accepting returns". Yet two ladies stood there in their mom jeans holding their returns and pulling Aunt Judy faces ... like it was the end of the world. "I guess I better call them." Or maybe just move out of the way for the people who can read. Or just drive down the road two blocks to another Red Box. No, she's going to call them and warn everyone that it's broken. I bet she can't wait to tell her husband. Over pot roast. Burn in hell, lady.

Perhaps the source of my contempt is that I have become a hermit over the last five months. It's hard to explain, really. I know the sun is shining and that I have a lot to be thankful for. I do. I just need to remember to stay home on Tuesdays.

May Cupcakes

May has been sprinkled with every color of candy sugar available.

The stomach flu tore through the house making Chloe deathly ill for 18 hours and then hitting me for about 36 hours. The flu and heartbreak of The Boy moving to Alaska were followed by good things like Mother's Day, eight blissful days in Mexico, seeing The National in San Diego, Chloe successfully completing her first year of Junior High, close friends graduating with master's degrees, and the purchase of several new records. The yucky flavors of candy sprinkles were things like an influx of unexpected bills, a flat tire, falling down the stairs (don't ask), real snow storms in Utah, failed interventions, trying to keep up with work, and intolerable frustration.

I am working on three things: patience, forgiveness, and balance. It sounds easier than it is. There are brief moments when I believe everything is going to work out and then there are moments when I know nothing is going to work out unless I go somewhere far, far away. People add complexity. People in close proximity add dysfunctional complexity. I want to run.

Things I know for sure:

1. I need to move. Soon. If I want to be happy and achieve true balance, moving needs to be my top priority.

2. Typically, people over 50 aren't going to change nor do they want to be forgiven. This is fine until it starts negatively impacting others on a daily basis. The only thing that I can change is to remove myself from the situation. Realizing this and doing it are two different things. The latter being the hardest.

3. I am good at forgiving. Sometimes it just takes space and time. And sometimes I need to forgive not only those who ask, but those who don't.

There is a lot of work to be done here. Too much. A whole new chapter and way of being awaits. I wish there was a set of instructions attached.

i'm the luckiest girl in the world

who says i don't deserve Prada on mother's day?

and who says i can't leave the country for 8 days?

nobody.

that's who.

this vacation couldn't come at a better time.

i am ready. sooooo ready.

goodbye normal life ... please be more awesome when i see you again.

Cinco de Mayo!

Remember last year's Cinco de Mayo? Yea, me neither.

Today I trolled around town looking for my Fantasma but he didn't appear. I thought this year perhaps he would come in the form of a rodent or an ice cube ... but he has not shown up yet. Maybe he is a city ghost. Maybe the country is too remote for even a spirit.

My sister and Brett hosted a pretty awesome Cinco de Mayo party. I made an appearance and enjoyed a fresh, delicious pina colada. I was really impressed with the margarita jello shots, Patron, Corona, Dos Equis, bean dip, kabobs, and other traditional favors. I didn't stay long enough to see the destruction of the pinatas but I can't wait to hear the stories. They even had a cotton candy machine. Awesome!

I am pretty sure Cinco de Mayo is one of my favorite holidays. There is nothing about it that I don't love. Now, I will sleep in hopes that my Fantasma de Phyllis Diller comes to me in my dreams. I sure do miss that creep.

Poison in a pretty glass.

I would like to be on the committee that is publishing the next edition of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Because I don't think the words I need have been invented yet. The reason I say this is because I am sitting here with so many things I need to express but simply cannot come up with anything to write. And it's not a case of writer's block nor is it due to a lack of focus or clarity. I am just at a loss for words.

I'm ... looking ... for ... a ... word ... that ... means ...

I-know-this-sounds-crazy-but-it-really-isn't-I-am-the-sum-of-all-the-moments-of-my-life-and-I-know-what-I-want-and-I-even-know-what-I-need-but-it-may-not-exist-and-yet-neither-did-Maple-Blondie-ice-cream-but-Ben-and-Jerry-created-it-and-it's-absolutely-scrumptious-and-it's-the-sum-of-many-parts-too-so-it's-plausible-that-I-can-create-what-I-want-if-I-find-the-right-combination-of-ingredients-like-the-perfect-martini-and-sometimes-that-means-being-alone-even-if-you-love-everyone-around-you-because-you-need-to-find-the-answers-by-yourself-first-which-shouldn't-be-seen-as-a-negative-because-all-we-have-is-time-and-Thomas-Edison-created-the-light-bulb-but-also-the-record-player-which-to-me-is-more-important-and-he-needed-time-alone-and-to-think-things-through-and-I-am-not-inspired-or-seeking-something-great-nor-do-I-want-to-invent-anything-but-I-am-extremely-frustrated-and-unhappy-and-so-perhaps-I-don't-need-to-find-a-combination-that-I-can-unlock-but-instead-maybe-I-need-the-person-that-has-the-key-to-my-lock-to-find-me.

I vividly remember the morning I woke up and realized that my parents weren't omniscient. And from that moment my life changed. Part of me was sad and part of me was relieved. From that day on, I began writing my own history and learning things for myself -- and usually the hard way. But it was better than just thinking something was true because "they" said so. The same kind of enlightenment happened when my parents got divorced after 25 years of marriage. It changed every idea I had about marriage, relationships, and family. And now, after being divorced myself for eleven years and having a pretty unsuccessful relationship history, I am trying to figure out the amalgam for my happiness.

What if I stop looking for the qualities I want in a partner and start looking for the qualities someone needs to love me? Most relationship experts say to make a list of characteristics your ideal soul mate would have. Maybe that's where we go wrong. Maybe our lists should contain characteristics our ideal soul mate must have to live with us. I mean, if you're going to live on a beach, you don't need a heavy coat and snow shoes. You need a swimsuit, some sunscreen, and a hammock. If you're going to live with me, you don't need a fast car. You should pack your sense of humor, patience, and a blow-up mattress.

Case in point: If you ask all of your friends, ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends, and family members if you are easy to get along with, the answers are likely all over the map. Not because you act differently around each person but because of their personalities and characteristics.

For example, I get along with people who are patient. I get on fabulously with people who have experienced both sides of patience and have mastered it; genuinely patient in the sense that they understand I am not deliberately trying to upset them when I do inconsiderate things. Meaning, I am aggravating to a flaw. I am always late, I am indecisive, I need space, I like to be alone, I am stubborn, I obsess over things, I blow up sometimes, I change my mind. But I have good qualities, too. Those who are patient - truly patient - let the flaws go and don't hold them over my head later. It happens, it's forgotten, and we move on. There is no drama, there is no fight, there is no argument.

Sure, I'd rather list "stunningly handsome" on my wish list, but "patience" is probably a better ingredient. So after I write Dr. Phil a letter and tell him about my groundbreaking new therapy, I am starting a list ... not a list of qualities I am looking for, but a list of qualities that someone looking for me should have.

The best news of all ... I have plenty of time to craft the perfect list. The way I see it, I have quite a while before I will be ready for any kind of a relationship.

intervention

it's never fun when you are involved in an intervention; especially when you are the person the intervention is focused on. and that's exactly what happened to me last weekend.

i am not proud of it but part of my recovery is talking about it.

my big sister was in town and she, along with my other two sisters, convinced me that a change was needed. they were right.

after two days i caved to their demands and ... waxed my arm pits. it had gotten out of control. i just didn't realize it (or care). and i have to admit, i feel better. i even had my eyebrows waxed to prove my commitment to change. and, well i have to say it, i have a Brazilian scheduled next week. it is summer after all.

there. it's allll out on the table now. i know i have a long road ahead of me but i have a great support team. step two of the program is re-inserting myself into society. baby steps.

celebrating our gramps

happy birthday, handsome.

we miss you more than words can express.