30 Things: Day 10

songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad

rather than have this post bleed like a haemophiliac on coumadin, i decided to refer only to songs that i have listened to recently. you see, the soundtrack to my life began at an early age. it is probably several hundred GB by now. i'll start that project another time. until then, the songs fueling my life right now are listed below. (i've even included my favorite lyrics.)

music is therapy for me. it's good for the soul. it's magic.

and this ... THIS play list is magic:

"Blood Bank" : Bon Iver
Defeated: This song saved my life. I was driving home and had to pull over to regroup. "Blood Bank" came on and it was beautiful, the beginning of The Breakdown.
Favorite lyrics: "that secret that we know, that we don't know how to tell, i'm in love with your honor, i'm in love with your cheeks"

"Trouble Weighs A Ton" : Dan Auerbach
Melancholy: Lucy loves it and it's good music to do taxes to.
Favorite Lyrics: "What's wrong, dear sister? Did your world fall down?"

"Handsome Furs Hate This City" : Handsome Furs
Reflective
Favorite Lyrics: "oh, there was home ... we hate this city, filled its drone"

"Cold Girl Fever" : The National
Exhausted
Favorite Lyrics: "I promised to leave if you ever went cold, Then leave when I'm sleeping, you told me Put your spine in your back and your arms in your coat, Don't hold on to me when there's nothing to hold."

"Shell Games" : Bright Eyes
Hopeful
Favorite Lyrics: "here it come, that heavy love, you're never going to move it alone, here it come, that heavy love, tattooed on a criminal's arm, here it come, that heavy love, someone got to share in the load"

"All Yr Songs" : Diamond Rings
Happy
Favorite Lyrics: "... and if you ever wonder how we keep from going under, it's because we find another reason not to give in ..."

"Airplanes" : Local Natives
Young
Favorite Lyrics: "I love it all ... so much I call ... I want you back"

"The Sun Will Burn Your Eyes" : Jay William Henderson
Tired
Favorite Lyrics: "... and the moon will calm you down ... "

I am also very fond of "Dirty Girl/Muchacha Sucia" by Bobby Light.

Valentine's Day is for Perverts

The history of Valentine's Day is shady in itself. Present day, the U.S. has bastardized any true representation of love by turning it into tacky commercialism. And why? Because we only need to express our love one day a year, and with overpriced teddy bears and flowers? Gag.

Now for the perverted part(s).

Here are some other things I hate about Valentine's Day. Well, I think it's gross when people eat and make out. At the same time. And on Valentine's Day, people everywhere are licking chocolate off each others' fingers and feeding each other and slurping and kissing. John Black and Marlena Brady did it for years on daytime television and now we gotta watch it live while we're trying to eat. It's disgusting. Think of the germs. Food, slobber, chocolate, fruit, tongues, rack of lamb. Perverts.

Also, I think that men only buy into the holiday so they can have sex for sure, at least one time, in February. So your husband buys you a crappy pendant (that is gold and you totally HATE gold) and now you have to endure "nice" conversation and obligatory holiday sex. Pervy! You know what sex does? It makes babies. And babies get sick. Do you really want a sick baby for next Valentine's Day? All for a pendant?

Do you know what I would ask my Valentine for? To figure out why my car won't pass emissions and "work it out." Return 'er to me with a valid registration and a shiny top coat. That would be awesome.

To make matters worse, now Valentine perverts everywhere can post their weird behavior on Facebook. Which I hate. I think if you post what your boyfriend wrote to you, privately in a card, as your status, you are a pretty big jerk. The more people brag and talk about how awesome their significant others are makes me actually doubt their relationships. Of course he's writing cute notes! It's the only day out of the year he has to exaggerate his love for you and he gets sex. Gross. Ew. I bet all those people on Facebook are doing it right now. I wonder if any of them have teen-wolf legs and armpits. Pervs!

I actually don't hate Valentine's Day. I mean, yes I think it's silly that parents send their junior highers a huge bouquet of flowers at school so the other kids will text their moms and say "you should send me flowers from the floral" and then they all brag about how their mom really did NOT send them! No way! A secret admirer! And blah blah blah. But that all aside, I think it's a nice holiday. I love little homemade valentine notes. I love pink and red. I love valentine cookies. I especially love flowers and I even enjoy chocolate. And I actually don't hate sex nor have I ever received a gold pendant nor have I ever felt obligated to have holiday sex. I just wish people would lay off a little.

In summary, although only real perverts enjoy Valentine's Day, I do think taking the time to write your lover a note and buy them flowers and candy is sweet. Especially if it's your favorite candy and nothing is gold-plated.

I am also adding that my grandpa's funeral was on Valentine's Day so every year my grandma makes sure his grave is decorated. This year included a bear balloon, a bear who happens to be wearing a valentine sweater and looks like he is flying. (Not perverted.)

30 Things: Day 9

something you're proud of in the past few days

hmmm. something or someone?

well, i am proud of my mom. she is almost finished with chemo. and she has had a lot of grace through treatment. i mean, from the beginning. she has had an unbelievable attitude. i feel like she is genuine in her words and actions. and still drug free. and how.

i am also proud that i didn't completely fall apart at jiffy lube last week. it did take a little help from the attendant to hold things together, but like he said, "it's going to be okay." sometimes i wish they did change more than oil there. i want them to change my life.

i am pretty proud of the length of my leg and underarm hair. it's impressive, and i'm not saying that to be disgusting.

aaaand, i am proud of myself because i am ready. no disclaimers here. i am proud of myself for listening to my music. and for getting older. for unpublished venting. and for not being blindly optimistic or idealistic. and that, even if it is taking me a really long time to get up in the ring this time, i am getting up. and i am slowly dusting myself off for the last round. it's me against me. and people i love in both corners. may the good "me" win.

Let the train blow the whistle when I go.

This picture of Chloe and my grandpa was taken in March of 1998. I can only assume we were celebrating Mindy's birthday because of the date. That would make Chloe just over one year old and Gramps 76 years old in this picture. He lived to be 86; Chloe was ten years old when he died. He passed away four years ago today. So instead of celebrating his birthday every year, we now observe his death. Trips to the cemetery, red roses, extra hugs to Grandma, reminiscing and tears. And not to sound trite but I can even feel his presence. Granted, I am sleeping in his bedroom, in the very place he passed away and I do have an overactive imagination. And I may or may not have had to sleep with the lights on last night, Chloe and I holding on to each other terrified. Anyway, I digress.

In the 9 years that took place between the photo above and my grandfather's death, Chloe grew up and up, and up, Ady and Piper were born, some of us got married and some divorced, he and my grandma yelled at each other, Jazz games were watched, family reunions were attended, and he slowly aged. Life was life and it was [mostly] good. But when my grandpa's body stopped cooperating, he was done. He truly wanted to live life, and that didn't entail being hunched over in constant pain. He had reached his body's maximum capacity by living at full speed every day for 86 years. He was a hard worker, he fought in the Battle of the Bulge, he married his sweetheart and built a house and a farm, he raised sheep, he was an avid fisherman and hunter, he was a fire fighter, he golfed, he babysat grandkids and great-grandkids, he cooked and camped, he chased dogs and hid Easter eggs. And when his body's resources had been completely exhausted, he was ready to go. My grandpa wasn't the type of man to sit in a resthome and deteriorate. It would have been an anticlimactic ending to an extraordinary life.

And if I am being totally honest, it is my thought that he knew enough to get the hell out of here before things started getting completely crazy. I am not sure that his heart would have been able to take the trials we've endured over the last four years. I don't think he could watch my mom battle addiction and cancer, and I am certain he would be totally disgusted with the city council's inability to control zoning and development. I know we would have caused him grief by bad decisions in love and money, interventions and other rotating crises. And Grandma's new "creative" cooking? I don't know if even his veteran stomach could withstand. So although I miss him relentlessly, I am comforted knowing that he is out of pain and (hopefully) somewhere playing a round of golf and drinking coffee.

I love you, Gramps. I should have told you a thousand more times.

...of birthday cake!

me:
hello february 7th.
tell me this isn't happening.

february 7th:
Oh. This IS happening.
You're 36 now. Say it aloud. Thirty-six. You can't keep spinning your tires. It isn't getting you anywhere. You have a 14-year-old daughter, you know. And now you have a 3-month-old daughter. Your star is sparkling a little less brightly now. All stars burn out. They have to make room for the brighter stars--the younger stars. But you're supposed to be content with less brilliance. You should be glowing with steadiness and knowledge. You shouldn't still be searching for the next universe to light up. And still single? You just packed your bags and left again. Next year, I expect the circles under your eyes to be darker, your heart to be harder, and your light to be dimmer.

And just to add to your misery for today, the universe is throwing in a snow storm with high-velocity winds. So when you decide to go out and celebrate, you'll feel more cold than you already are. That empty feeling? It's called loneliness and regret. It's from your lack of discipline and not talking to your sister yet. That sick feeling? It's called reality and consequence. It's from finally looking at yourself in the mirror and the right hook you threw. Happy birthday! It's your life. I am just here to remind you you're another year older.

me:
oh.
yes.
i have made some considerably bad decisions this year. and i definitely have several new wrinkles. my skin does feel thin. i don't sleep when i should. i get depressed. but 36? that's it? that's the end? your version of one of my versions of 36 is trying to scare me. but i have another version ... maybe.

yes, i do have two daughters to love now. but that only adds more brilliance to my life. it's amazing. i woke up to both of their sweet faces today. i braved your stupid storm and the three of us did celebrate. we got pedicures and dinner and ate ridiculously large pieces of chocolate cake. and we had the blessing of coming home to our 84-year-old grandma. her star has been shining brightly for over 84 years. how much longer will i get to watch my three-month-old baby laugh with her great-grandma? one woman old with deep wrinkles, lost stories, and lonely, dancing eyes; one so remarkably young that she doesn't know sadness nor has her skin felt sunshine yet. how extraordinary to witness both of their lights shining together.

so while i may have dark circles under my eyes and my heart may have distending cracks, don't count me out. it hasn't been easy lately. i will never have the right answers. but my heart has never been this full. maybe it's breaking because it's growing. maybe i needed a reminder to work on my relationship with my sister. yes, of course i need to make better decisions. and i know that i've brought this on myself. i'll do better. i'll take these gentle reminders, birthday. but i am not giving up.

february 7th:
Humph. That cake is going to go straight to your ass.

30 Things: Day 8

short term goals for this month and why

Goal: Let go.
Why: It's time.

Goal: Start and finish thank you cards.
Why: It's never too late to let people know you appreciate them.

Goal: Register my car.
Why: It's expired.

Goal: Find my map.
Why: I need to get back on track.

Goal: Get out of bed everyday, keep my head up, believe in myself, know my truth, and be grateful.

Why:

Justin Hackworth Photography

30 Things: Day 7

a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

30 Things: Day 6

favorite super hero and why


My favorite super hero is Wonder Woman of course! She not only kicks ass ... but she looks super hot doing it. She has a great strength of character and, most importantly, an incredible wardrobe. Wonder Woman's style is classy and functional. Her boots are the jam. I want to do flips and jumps and back handsprings in 5" heels. Another reason she is my favorite is because she is one of the few super heroes that demonstrates genuine integrity. And ... she's a princess.

Oh yeah, I also love her wristbands/bracelets. Don't get me started!