Valentine's Day is for Perverts

The history of Valentine's Day is shady in itself. Present day, the U.S. has bastardized any true representation of love by turning it into tacky commercialism. And why? Because we only need to express our love one day a year, and with overpriced teddy bears and flowers? Gag.

Now for the perverted part(s).

Here are some other things I hate about Valentine's Day. Well, I think it's gross when people eat and make out. At the same time. And on Valentine's Day, people everywhere are licking chocolate off each others' fingers and feeding each other and slurping and kissing. John Black and Marlena Brady did it for years on daytime television and now we gotta watch it live while we're trying to eat. It's disgusting. Think of the germs. Food, slobber, chocolate, fruit, tongues, rack of lamb. Perverts.

Also, I think that men only buy into the holiday so they can have sex for sure, at least one time, in February. So your husband buys you a crappy pendant (that is gold and you totally HATE gold) and now you have to endure "nice" conversation and obligatory holiday sex. Pervy! You know what sex does? It makes babies. And babies get sick. Do you really want a sick baby for next Valentine's Day? All for a pendant?

Do you know what I would ask my Valentine for? To figure out why my car won't pass emissions and "work it out." Return 'er to me with a valid registration and a shiny top coat. That would be awesome.

To make matters worse, now Valentine perverts everywhere can post their weird behavior on Facebook. Which I hate. I think if you post what your boyfriend wrote to you, privately in a card, as your status, you are a pretty big jerk. The more people brag and talk about how awesome their significant others are makes me actually doubt their relationships. Of course he's writing cute notes! It's the only day out of the year he has to exaggerate his love for you and he gets sex. Gross. Ew. I bet all those people on Facebook are doing it right now. I wonder if any of them have teen-wolf legs and armpits. Pervs!

I actually don't hate Valentine's Day. I mean, yes I think it's silly that parents send their junior highers a huge bouquet of flowers at school so the other kids will text their moms and say "you should send me flowers from the floral" and then they all brag about how their mom really did NOT send them! No way! A secret admirer! And blah blah blah. But that all aside, I think it's a nice holiday. I love little homemade valentine notes. I love pink and red. I love valentine cookies. I especially love flowers and I even enjoy chocolate. And I actually don't hate sex nor have I ever received a gold pendant nor have I ever felt obligated to have holiday sex. I just wish people would lay off a little.

In summary, although only real perverts enjoy Valentine's Day, I do think taking the time to write your lover a note and buy them flowers and candy is sweet. Especially if it's your favorite candy and nothing is gold-plated.

I am also adding that my grandpa's funeral was on Valentine's Day so every year my grandma makes sure his grave is decorated. This year included a bear balloon, a bear who happens to be wearing a valentine sweater and looks like he is flying. (Not perverted.)