evidence

there is proof that love exists.

and that proof comes from the inexplicable pain i feel knowing i have lost my greatest love. my heart is not only broken, but shattered. i have no words to say. i have to live without answers and pour my soul into being a good mother. and even though every time i look into my baby's eyes, my heart breaks all over again, i have to find the strength to do what i've always done. on my own.

quiescent was the night

it's raining outside. and i like it. i like the sound of it and i like the idea of everything being drenched and refreshed. of course, i would prefer it to be a warm, summer rain instead of this eerie, cold rain ... but it's kind of comforting to be in a warm, soft bed knowing it's cold outside.

i know that i should be sleeping but there is something very calming about this late hour. the house is so quiet. my lovelies are sleeping soundly. nothing needs to be done. the rain is percussing on the window. and i have a moment. a moment to be. and i can be nothing. i don't need to be a mother, granddaughter, employee, grocery shopper, or writer. i can be ... still. and remember, appreciate, and regroup. i don't have these moments very often during the day. if ever.

i am not complaining. it's just a very busy time right now. there is always something that needs to be done. that's just how it is. sometimes i hear someone say that they are bored, or looking for something to do. i think that is so fantastic. i can't remember the last time i was bored. there is always something; there are always at least twenty things that i would have to do if i was bored.

maybe that's why i like the night time. i am alone. no one is calling. i imagine everyone i love to be sleeping. the banks are closed. the offices are closed. the grocery store is closed. the baby isn't hungry. The Teenager is content. everyone is safe and well. the doors are locked. nothing is happening. nothing. i love that. oh, i love it.

so now i am going to sink into my bed, close my heavy eyes and listen to the gentle tapping on my window. and i'll let my thoughts go until they escape my head.

hello, sanity. i'm so glad i have you in my life again. 

30 Things: Day 21

a picture of something that makes you happy.

listen. hear that? it's the end.

i think we all have truths that we hold on to. or maybe these are "stories" we tell ourselves and we believe them to be truths. either way, they become lifelong truths and there is a wrenching churn in our guts when a truth is challenged.

for example, a truth i have always held was, "no matter what, i will take care of my girls. i can do it." and then when i get to those months where there is no work, no contracts, and no help ... i get a little stressed but i figure it out. it's not easy or ideal, but we get it done. and then when things get rrrreally bad and i have to do things i never thought i was capable of, i get physically sick from fear, urgency, panic mode, make-it-happen-now-talks, and doubt. well, if you know you can do it then why are you terrified? answer: well, just because i believe it, i don't need/want to prove it.

a less appealing truth would be like, "i know you don't love me. i can tell by the way you treat me." and this truth is challenged over time until it morphs into, "well, maybe you love me. you just don't know how to treat me." but that's a perversion of the truth. and eventually what happens? you hear from that person you held the truth about: "i don't love you." so if i know that was the case, why i am inexplicably hurt and sad and physically sick?
answer: just because i believe it, doesn't mean that you couldn't prove me wrong.

truths can be proven wrong. if they are shown that there is a conviction out there that changes it. for good and for bad.

i don't know. for me, truth is important. whether i want to hear it or not. and truth has allowed The Breakdown to go from The Resolve to ... The End. and honestly, that's ok. i need some closure, some clarity, some reason to sprint forward into the future. no more quick jogs into a happy life with frequent stops to look back and wait or wonder if anyone is chasing me. no more holding back for the "what if" or the "well, but" or the "maybe".

if i were me, giving me advice. i would say, "one day you will look back and this will be a situation that you will understand. and it's part of you. for the better. right now, you need to have faith that it's bigger than you, and you'll be okay. just cry and feel sad, and then be done. we all love you. we all need you. and cry for you, and LJ and for everything you've always [thought you] wanted that you'll never have. (note: not material things. more like: to be loved, to have a family, to not have to work 80 hours a week, to have someone to share this with, to have an amazing relationship.) cry for the mistakes you made and the choices. cry because you're hurt. but not for anyone else. and not out of guilt. don't blame yourself. don't cry for anyone else. love yourself as much as you loved him. you'll understand. something amazing is out there. you've got amazing now. be done with it. please. please be done with it."

i am not alone. i feel it in my bones. i know ... i know who i am. i know what i have done. i know when acceptance is embraced, i will be able to heal. and even though i've always thought acceptance was contingent upon closure or understanding everything about everyone ... it's not. acceptance is just being ok with what i have done, what i am doing, and who i am. and it's totally okay for someone else to hate those things. i don't need to know why. i don't need to understand. i don't need to play it in my mind over and over. i don't need to think how things could have been different. it doesn't change anything.

deep breath. deadline set. no more turning back. by monday morning, i will have cried my last tear, lost my last sleep, wondered, questioned, pondered, mourned, battled, resented, analyzed my last thought on the matter. and i will have acceptance.

at last.

30 Things: Day 20

someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future

well, oddly enough, i can't answer this question easily. i have been married once. i have lived with someone after 10 years of being single. and now, i am happy being single and having my girls with me. i don't know that i will ever get married again. maybe. but not likely. if i found "the one". if "the one" exists. but i have always been happy being single. not because i'm scared of commitment or weird. i just do better. i do good by myself. i am more focused and smarter. i am just happy. i guess i give and receive enough love from my family that i don't feel like i am searching for something.

sometimes, i get lonely. i think it would be nice to have someone to watch lu giggle or toot. to watch lo grow up too fast and help me guide her through the teenage years. but it's hard to do that. especially because it's impossible for anyone to feel the kind of love i have for these kids. i don't know. it's better. it's good.

so. the answer is that i see myself being with my girls in the future. i know this much to be true. outside of that, the unknown is welcome. right now, i am where i am supposed to be. and things are ... good.

heavy resolve

it is impossible to be honest with others if you're not, first, honest with yourself.

don't wait for people to show you that they care. if they do, you will know.

don't will anything to "be," just let it.

make the same mistake once or twice ... then stop.

no matter how bad you want something -- so much that it makes life bend every part of you -- if you don't get it, you will understand why in time. the time until ... is hell.

let others play the "confused" or "helpless" parts. you know. you know, you know, you know. it's the easy way out. take a deep breath. cry hard. let go.

one.phone.call.

an.apology.

less.pride.

stepping.into.the.person.you.say.you.are.

tell.someone.if.you.love.them.

once you come to the resolve, that there is no hope, that there are no expectations, that you've given more than you had to give, you find acceptance.

The Breakdown becomes The Resolve. and then maybe, we'll rebuild. and we'll believe. and we'll understand. maybe? maybe.

until then, music. love. friends. clean minds. family. doing something new. we can't wait forever. sometimes we have waited too long.

hopelessness. it's okay to embrace it.