Saturday, May 14, 2011

listen. hear that? it's the end.

i think we all have truths that we hold on to. or maybe these are "stories" we tell ourselves and we believe them to be truths. either way, they become lifelong truths and there is a wrenching churn in our guts when a truth is challenged.

for example, a truth i have always held was, "no matter what, i will take care of my girls. i can do it." and then when i get to those months where there is no work, no contracts, and no help ... i get a little stressed but i figure it out. it's not easy or ideal, but we get it done. and then when things get rrrreally bad and i have to do things i never thought i was capable of, i get physically sick from fear, urgency, panic mode, make-it-happen-now-talks, and doubt. well, if you know you can do it then why are you terrified? answer: well, just because i believe it, i don't need/want to prove it.

a less appealing truth would be like, "i know you don't love me. i can tell by the way you treat me." and this truth is challenged over time until it morphs into, "well, maybe you love me. you just don't know how to treat me." but that's a perversion of the truth. and eventually what happens? you hear from that person you held the truth about: "i don't love you." so if i know that was the case, why i am inexplicably hurt and sad and physically sick?
answer: just because i believe it, doesn't mean that you couldn't prove me wrong.

truths can be proven wrong. if they are shown that there is a conviction out there that changes it. for good and for bad.

i don't know. for me, truth is important. whether i want to hear it or not. and truth has allowed The Breakdown to go from The Resolve to ... The End. and honestly, that's ok. i need some closure, some clarity, some reason to sprint forward into the future. no more quick jogs into a happy life with frequent stops to look back and wait or wonder if anyone is chasing me. no more holding back for the "what if" or the "well, but" or the "maybe".

if i were me, giving me advice. i would say, "one day you will look back and this will be a situation that you will understand. and it's part of you. for the better. right now, you need to have faith that it's bigger than you, and you'll be okay. just cry and feel sad, and then be done. we all love you. we all need you. and cry for you, and LJ and for everything you've always [thought you] wanted that you'll never have. (note: not material things. more like: to be loved, to have a family, to not have to work 80 hours a week, to have someone to share this with, to have an amazing relationship.) cry for the mistakes you made and the choices. cry because you're hurt. but not for anyone else. and not out of guilt. don't blame yourself. don't cry for anyone else. love yourself as much as you loved him. you'll understand. something amazing is out there. you've got amazing now. be done with it. please. please be done with it."

i am not alone. i feel it in my bones. i know ... i know who i am. i know what i have done. i know when acceptance is embraced, i will be able to heal. and even though i've always thought acceptance was contingent upon closure or understanding everything about everyone ... it's not. acceptance is just being ok with what i have done, what i am doing, and who i am. and it's totally okay for someone else to hate those things. i don't need to know why. i don't need to understand. i don't need to play it in my mind over and over. i don't need to think how things could have been different. it doesn't change anything.

deep breath. deadline set. no more turning back. by monday morning, i will have cried my last tear, lost my last sleep, wondered, questioned, pondered, mourned, battled, resented, analyzed my last thought on the matter. and i will have acceptance.

at last.

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