f r e e d o m

I have no money, no resources, and no hope. I am the happiest man alive. - Henry G. Miller

I have no money, no job, and one-way tickets out of Utah. I am the happiest woman alive. - me

T R U T H : Part II

Here are some truths I've re-learned since Halloween (and my last post):

1. People lie. I have the word TRUTH tattooed on my wrist to remind me that most people are deceptive, rotten, selfish, discriminating cowards. I think it's sad that believing in people is my flaw.

2. Everyone is looking out for one person and one person only: their self.

3. Never work harder for your career than you do for the people you love.

4. Junior Mints are delicious.

5. When you aren't asked or given the opportunity to offer your version of something that happened, maybe it's because you don't need to. Or maybe just knowing the truth yourself is more important in the end.

6. Trust your gut. ESPECIALLY when it hurts.

7. Women who question authority and think for themselves in the corporate world are frowned upon. When a man does it, he is a genius and gets promoted. (This is based totally on my own experience and I am not casting judgment of any kind.)

8. You can do 50 things exceptionally well, you can help others when they are in a pinch, you can genuinely want to make things better, you can work 100+ hours a week, you can do whatever it takes--even stay up all night--to make someone else look good and then ... make one mistake and that's all people will remember. (See numbers 2 and 3.)

9. Everything happens for a reason; I've been through worse.

10. When people show you who they are, believe them.

And, you know what? I found an adorable house guest along the way that makes everything better and needs my attention right now ...

Rated R for language.

What the hell kind of conspiracy is going on? Of ALL the nights to not lay down and pass out? Tonight, you're going to do this to me? My insomnia is returning TONIGHT? Fine. Bring it on Halloween, you rotten, decaying, plagiarizing, stupid holiday. I won't go into details but ... oh okay, yes, I will.

First of all. We finally hired a designer at work. Day 2. He hates my guts. HATES them. I've watched him secretly give me dirty looks and he puts on fake head phones to "muffle" me out. I think it's because I am obnoxious, loud, funny, attractive, smart, tenacious**, oh, and also because I swear a lot and sit RIGHT next to him. Actually, I think it's mostly because I swear a lot. We have a swear jar. (Long, boring story.) I told the team the swear jar does nothing for me. It is so definitely worth my $2.50 to say, "You goddamned fucking shit ass printer, I'll kill you." I'll keep feeding the kitty. Because they are only words, what they do to your mind is your problem. If you say "Ahhhh, fudge you copier." I literally want to leap out of my chair and choke you. What does that even mean? The intent behind both words is the same.

Anyway, I understand it is offensive (to some people) and so I am working on it. I apologized to him about ... 100 times today and promised to work on my language. He said, "I appreciate it*." Now, the old, rotten, demonic Sharon would have said, "Well I'd appreciate it if you didn't act so shittin' (.50 cents) smart and brag about being happily married, and wear stupid ugly socks!" But I didn't. Because he's a really nice guy and I don't even know what his socks looked like, or if he is married. Actually, Manchild (that's his name) kicks ass (.50 cents) and he is a great designer (so far). I think maybe it will just take some time for him to warm up to me. I sent him HR's email address so he had it on hand.

Anyway, later, someone at work called me a line-crosser: "Carly doesn't know when to stop. She has no lines. She is a line-crosser!" At first I was mad at my so-called "friend" but after thinking about it, I was like, you know what, you're right. I don't have any lines. Oh, and if you are going to talk about corn chowder/mushroom soup barf, and play with your ding dong, and do other disgusting male things, I have no problem telling you I'm on my period. What? So I am. If you insist on looking in my pocket, you're going to find .... gasp! a tampon. The point is, I am who I am. I don't believe in lines or staying within them. Which is why I have no friends.

Anyway, the day ended with friends who say amazing words like "douche-fucking-baggery" and "tough titties" and "shove it up your ass". I also listened to some amazing music, drank a few beers, and talked to one of my favorite people. Actually, many of my favorite people. So. There you have it. Take THAT insomnia!

*There is an awesome story about convention where these exact words were used. Final day of convention as my staff and I were walking to dinner:

Girl: blah blah blah blah blah blah

Everyone: blaah blah blah bahhl ablahah

Girl: and then that goddamned effing box landed on.....

Someone: hey! she said "effing"! good job, you're doing better.

Girl: hey, yea, i did. thanks.

pause, walking, more walking

Girl (proudly looking at CHRIS): i am working on it.

CHRIS: "I appreciate it."

pause, walking, more walking

Someone whom I will never invite to staff convention again: "Wait, you just rewarded her for not saying the F word when it was preceded by "GD"?

Some people. Wait until your kid gets knocked up at 15, just wait. Language is nothing to get upset about. If it takes your mind to dirty, dirty places, talk to your therapist. That's not my problem. "Shitass" and "Cherrios" give me the same feeling inside my heart.

I will stop using JC and GD at work. Because some people are offended, understandably, and because it's in the 10 Commandments. (Side note: I would love it if people used my name in vain. You know, go around saying "Susan B. Anthony!" Or, "Carlydamn you, carlydamn you straight to hell. You carlydamned selfish sonofabitch." Maybe even, "Fix this carlydamned printer before my head explodes!" Anyway, if you too need a substitution, you have my permission.)

**Sales and Marketing gave me this as my strongest characteristic trait: tenacious. I'm still trying it on for size. B-to-the-G told me it just means I'm a bitch, but I kind of like it. Now when people say, so ... tell me about yourself. I can say, "I'm tenacious. Fuck off. Here's a dollar."

Excuse me, you're in my way.

tonight on my drive home i couldn't stop tears from plopping on to my cheeks one by one. so i finally got the courage to call my doctor. i don't know what i would have said to him if he had actually been there (they were closed, as most doctor offices are at 9pm) but i think i would have probably sobbed for 20 minutes until he refilled my zoloft and sent me on my way.

there is just a point you reach where you feel like maybe it doesn't need to be this hard... and i think i'm close to reaching that point. when i realize i can't be effective or be an agent for change, it's clear my time is more valuable elsewhere. and when it's obvious that i have already reached the highest position in a company--although i am already doing the job of a position above mine--i wonder if it's a good investment. yet there's a catch... why do i care so passionately about my career? so much so that i put everything into it? everything in my life comes second to a job that doesn't reciprocate my love. i work harder for my job than i do for anything else in my life. that's not really something to be proud of.

i want my daughter to live in a world where she doesn't have to work twice as hard as a man for half the salary. there is a boys club where i work. and it's bad. and for those of you who don't know me, you may roll your eyes, but it is blatantly obvious. i am not a feminist or man-hater or gender biased nor do i have a chip on my shoulder. i'm just saying, until you experience the feeling of insignificance and disrespect that many of us ladies have felt lately, you can't understand.

i've worked my ass off in every company i've worked for during the past ten years. i have a degree. i have ideas. i am educated. i am experienced. and i cannot win at this place. it makes me sad. i have my faults, don't get me wrong. but i don't know anyone who is perfect. i get my shit done. i might be late once in a while but i may work until two or three in the morning alot, and yes i am lucky to have a boss who understands, but still falls into the yuck yuck boys club. and as far as the other d-bags...how about this: your breath stinks and you sit and fart in your office, and go to lunch for three hours, and redecorate your offices. p r o d u c t i v i t y . it's the newest thing in corporate america. look into it. (my cube is held together by duck tape.)

if i ever own a company, i will not reward laziness or stupidity by giving incompetent people less responsibilities and more positive attention. i'll fire them and hire erin. or someone who gets stuff done.

i'm exhausted. i love the feeling of accomplishment after an event. but i don't like this feeling right now. not at all.

at my funeral, do i really want my family to say, "well, she put together a hell of an event under budget..." ? no. i want them to say, "her daughter and family were the most important things in her life. she always put them first. she was happy. she laughed. she made us laugh."

that's the person i want to be. that's the balance i'm looking for.

when someone is sleeping soundly next to you, kiss them softly.

this conversation really happened:

me: hey, self, really good to see you.

me: you too! where have you been?

me: i don't know... right here?

me: no. i have been here. you have not.

me: you may be right, self. i miss you. and i haven't see you for a really long time.

me: things seem a little out of balance for us.

me: i know. these random things--running out of gas (again), falling down when we're taking the garbage out, missing chloe's games, being late, forgetting simple things, self destructing-- they usually mean the universe is trying to tell us something.

me: most definitely. i think it's trying to tell us to stop. just stop.

me: let's stop. soon. let's plan a day where no one can find us and figure this out.

me: done. oh yea, and self?

me: yea?

me: i love you.

me: i love you, too.

wait, before you say anything...

lunch money, again? i know. yes i have to work. i can't talk right now. what do you want? what are you doing? how many times do i have to say no? pick this up. please pick this up. did you pay your parking tickets? here is the presentation. what time is the meeting? how far behind are we? i believe in second chances. i'll be your first. it's broken, again? this isn't happening. this can't be possible. he did what? no, i haven't talked to her for over a week. i should call her. i'll stop and grab some groceries. you're grounded. is your homework done? what do you want for dinner? who is this from? easy with the air freshener. nice blush. i haven't paid that credit card for over two years. hello. goodbye. i had free tickets. i think i saw her but i don't remember. remember, i specifically said today? i can't do everything. my stomach hurts. do i have a fever? you don't have a fever. i can't think about this. i haven't made plans yet. there is piss AND shit in rest homes. that is the smell of rot. i don't know. yes, i have wet hair. no, i don't have five minutes. i really don't. i need tylenol. why is the tv up so loud? what if someone gives me the swine flu? is she pregnant? i don't know what they are doing for her birthday. maybe. nice move, jerk. i hate driving. you've never taken that off before? i am NOT hungry. can i get two chicken soft tacos? this place could kill a man. i'll take care of it tomorrow. i wonder what would have happened. guess who called me today? remember when i saw you everyday? how long has it been since you've seen her? too long. you were johnny for halloween and you're worried about being a boyscout? so are you dating anyone? i don't know, i am not sure what to do. jesus christ. that will cost you one dollar. dr. phil is pretty intelligent. he's smart. do most people end up hating their moms? did i really misuse the parenthesis so blatantly. i've just got too much to do. i don't watch tv. do old people's insides smell worse? baby diapers are manageable. does it get worse? did you watch the games on sunday? do you ever just feel like talking? no. do you ever feel like just... not talking? i don't have time for chitchat. you guys are friendlies. what were you thinking? i feel like i've said this before. i would if i had the energy. it's not you, it's me. i have to sleep. i will do it later. i have no idea. why do i have to do everything? i will be there. don't worry. what if i don't sleep tonight? let the dogs out. those buggers. what did you do with my scanner? turn the lights off. i'm tired. do i look tired? do you think these match? i wonder if people really like being married. i would just hate it. i think it's supposed to be thrown away. what jeans do you want washed? i've never really liked jay leno. can we wash these tonight? well i get nervous, that's why i chew gum. just kidding, i don't really get nervous. let's see, fifteen minutes ago i could have done that. i'm sorry you're sick. i should do something nice for him. i have thought about you, does that count? no. not at all. i would love to be married for 60 years. you still have a cold sore in your nose? what age does early adulthood mean? specifically. i need some water. i need to call the doctor. i am not even wearing makeup, i'm cutting corners where i can. he does indeed have the swine flu. it's a confirmed case. i just need like fifteen minutes. so that is what craziness sounds like? i wonder if i sounded like that. we should start a community action at work. if i get the swine flu, i'll be so pissed. can i get a soy latte, four shots? i saw them in concert. do i have to watch it? that totally makes sense now. yes, i can do that by friday. it's just hard to feel anything. i am way too emotional to deal with you right now. did he say no? right now, i am busy. yes, i understand. every one is so busy. every one is broke. i am broke. i don't have any money. i flushed my paycheck down the toilet. no, really. i lost mine. how much lunch money do you need? they take tickets. are you talking? all the good stuff has already been done. at least once. i totally missed his birthday. my teeth hurt. will you hand me the water please? some places are open 24 hours. i will not be seeing that movie. i feel like we're not communicating.

Goodbye Headband...!!!

I have many things that I would like to write but my grandma's TV is up so loud I can't concentrate.

Instead, I give you Tuesday's Ten Things I Love.

In no particular order:

1. Receiving emails with "Last Night" as the subject
2. Erin--in her quintessential deadpan manner--shooting me with an imaginary (but very convincing) gun during our marketing meeting
3. Waking up to the sound of little girls giggling
4. Seeing my nieces, Piper and Ady
5. Finding out Dawes is coming to Salt Lake City
6. Being (mostly) on time for work and getting home before 5pm to be with Chloe
7. The new (and totally) hot marketing director bringing donuts for us this morning
8. Remembering Yo La Tengo's performance last night and how much it rocked (company included... you boys know who you are!)
9. Remembering leaving Yo La Tengo and giggling over the sweet boy with a headband who crashed his bike ... "I love your headband!!!"
10. Having a sweet, thoughtful, tough, understanding, resilient, patient person in my life and being very grateful for him
11. Getting out again ... and away from the office.

Okay, so it's eleven. I tend to overstep my boundaries sometimes. There is plenty to complain about and it's been a rough couple of weeks, however, there are many things to fall in love with everyday. I am going to get back in the habit of falling in love again.

UPDATE: I cannot believe that I didn't list the most important person of all that I love today! It's the one, the only, Maximus! If I loved him anymore, my heart would explode and fill up the universe with tiny little heart bombs. So here's #12: Getting pictures on my phone from Max's momma:

Guess I'll try on Chloe's boots that she wore when she was little.

Kicking it out in my momma's old cowboy boots. These are the real deal ... only for tough kids.

I learned a hilarious new trick ... what? Is there a towel on my head?

And this is how adorable I am with my sleepy eyes! Breakfast time.

See how many things I have to love about my life? An amazing family, the best friends a girl could ask for, adorable nieces, an irresistible nephew, good music, and good times. So in the words of Yo La Tengo:

Let's be undecided, let's take our time

And sooner or later, we will know our mind

We'll be on the outside, we won't care

Cause we're together, that's somewhere