I have been reminding myself to breathe, just breathe, for the last few weeks. I didn't really notice I was doing it until I stopped remembering to remind myself - at which point I found myself whirling in frequent dizzy spells or sitting down to catch my breath.
Stop.
Just.
Breathe.
Where is all the oxygen going? Why are my lungs failing me? Open up that rib cage and breathe!
Life is definitely (maybe) telling me to slow down and push pause (probably). My dusty airways are craving the fresh, crisp air of Spring. Blue skies and late sunsets can't come soon enough for me. I dream of walking barefoot on warm sidewalks, driving with the windows down, and tasting salty, sweaty lips. The grayness of winter has already overstayed its welcome. And how.
Soon.
Until.
Then.
Breathe.
Just.
Breathe.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
amici: capitolo un
i have a friend named Lancaster aka Melanie. she is smart. she lives on the coast. she sends me awesome things like this. (i totally made out with him once ... when he was a Chippendale.) she enjoys sunsets and fine cuisine. we are intellects and discuss important things over brie and wine.
i have a friend named Nate-Dogg-Momlinson. it was his birthday yesterday. i missed his birthday party and it made me really sad. i am going to make it up to him, though. because he is one of my best friends. he is super cool and owns a recording studio.
i have a friend named Remy. he is the sweetest friend in the entire world. he is by far the best host and one of the funniest people i know. my hell, he is funny. and he's going to be an architect. he is one of my best friends, too.
i have friends named Wes and Pow. they procreated and they did really great. Wes has been my friend for 17 years. he plays in a great band, Tough Tittie. Pow is a knock out. like BOOM!
i have a friend named Gina. i don't see her enough ... or at all. i miss her. i love her. we have been best friends through A LOT of stuff. from trips to Hong Kong to crying on each others' shoulders. i am going to kidnap her i think.
i have a friend named Mikele. we have sleepovers with our puppies and laugh a lot. she does my hair too. she makes me feel gorgeous when my roots are two to three inches grown out.
i have a friend named Karma. i feel like we are kindred spirits. i bet i meet her one day. i hope i meet her one day. scratch that. i WILL meet her one day.
i have a friend named Brooks. he is really popular and busy, which is why he makes me feel extra special by doing super nice things just for me. he took me out for a margarita on my birthday. i almost cry sometimes because i love him so much.
i have a friend named Kelly. i would kick any one's ass for her. i would also hug her until all her tears stopped and she turned back into one of the toughest girls i know. her heart is huge. really.
i have a friend named Bethie. we will probably grow old together in palm springs or somewhere and fight over who has the cutest nieces and nephews. we'll wear hats and sunglasses and drive Buick's. (yes, Lancaster, you are already in.)
i have a friend named Dainon. he moved to Florida. i bet he turns into an alligator. or at least grows long yellow fingernails. i secretly hope he finds a sugar momma who makes him wax his chest and clean out the pool ... but he gets paid millions of dollars to do so, which he spends on the love of his life: music.
i have a friend named Shannon. we don't see each other much these days, but she has impacted my life in a very profound way. she was there for me during some of the hardest times of my life. it's not possible for me to love her any more. the best thing about Shan ... she accepts you and doesn't judge you. at all. that's very rare.
i have a friend named Whisper. she's going to be a mommy. she is exactly what i envision my CJ will grow up like. and that's a good thing. i hope Whisper has a little girl that she names Sparrow or Bear. a little darling baby girl who is stronger than diamonds. a little blondie firecracker.
i have a friend named Ally. she is super smart (and startling young for her intelligence and accomplishments). she's going to get her master's degree this year. and she's funny. she flash-dances under vents in Wendover like you ain't neva seen!
i have a friend named JPW. he has a memory as sharp as a tack. he makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. he lives in a haunted mansion with secret blue rooms. one day he'll come visit me in utah. i'll make him eat my grandma's food. he has a butler/housekeeper that i used to date (Eddie Vedder). i know, awkward, right?
i have a friend named Jodi. we met in kindergarten. she used to make me laugh so hard that i would have to take a time out. we shared all our secrets, good or bad, and we were best friends. and still are. she's too far away and i miss her all the time. we used to love sneaking out of her house and drinking wine coolers in high school. she had the sweetest car ever too.
i have a friend named Nicholas. he makes grandpa jokes (i.e. you're going to run to salt lake? that's a long way to run.), he tells me he loves me, he makes me happy and then he makes me pizza at 3am. no shit. he's really smart and he is going to be super successful ... but most importantly -- smart, sexy, and successful aside -- he is resilient, sweet, strong, and loves me no matter what (i think). he is also locked in my attic. i think he looks like a young Bob Dylan.
i have a friend named Nate-Dogg-Momlinson. it was his birthday yesterday. i missed his birthday party and it made me really sad. i am going to make it up to him, though. because he is one of my best friends. he is super cool and owns a recording studio.
i have a friend named Remy. he is the sweetest friend in the entire world. he is by far the best host and one of the funniest people i know. my hell, he is funny. and he's going to be an architect. he is one of my best friends, too.
i have friends named Wes and Pow. they procreated and they did really great. Wes has been my friend for 17 years. he plays in a great band, Tough Tittie. Pow is a knock out. like BOOM!
i have a friend named Gina. i don't see her enough ... or at all. i miss her. i love her. we have been best friends through A LOT of stuff. from trips to Hong Kong to crying on each others' shoulders. i am going to kidnap her i think.
i have a friend named Mikele. we have sleepovers with our puppies and laugh a lot. she does my hair too. she makes me feel gorgeous when my roots are two to three inches grown out.
i have a friend named Karma. i feel like we are kindred spirits. i bet i meet her one day. i hope i meet her one day. scratch that. i WILL meet her one day.
i have a friend named Brooks. he is really popular and busy, which is why he makes me feel extra special by doing super nice things just for me. he took me out for a margarita on my birthday. i almost cry sometimes because i love him so much.
i have a friend named Kelly. i would kick any one's ass for her. i would also hug her until all her tears stopped and she turned back into one of the toughest girls i know. her heart is huge. really.
i have a friend named Bethie. we will probably grow old together in palm springs or somewhere and fight over who has the cutest nieces and nephews. we'll wear hats and sunglasses and drive Buick's. (yes, Lancaster, you are already in.)
i have a friend named Dainon. he moved to Florida. i bet he turns into an alligator. or at least grows long yellow fingernails. i secretly hope he finds a sugar momma who makes him wax his chest and clean out the pool ... but he gets paid millions of dollars to do so, which he spends on the love of his life: music.
i have a friend named Shannon. we don't see each other much these days, but she has impacted my life in a very profound way. she was there for me during some of the hardest times of my life. it's not possible for me to love her any more. the best thing about Shan ... she accepts you and doesn't judge you. at all. that's very rare.
i have a friend named Whisper. she's going to be a mommy. she is exactly what i envision my CJ will grow up like. and that's a good thing. i hope Whisper has a little girl that she names Sparrow or Bear. a little darling baby girl who is stronger than diamonds. a little blondie firecracker.
i have a friend named Ally. she is super smart (and startling young for her intelligence and accomplishments). she's going to get her master's degree this year. and she's funny. she flash-dances under vents in Wendover like you ain't neva seen!
i have a friend named JPW. he has a memory as sharp as a tack. he makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. he lives in a haunted mansion with secret blue rooms. one day he'll come visit me in utah. i'll make him eat my grandma's food. he has a butler/housekeeper that i used to date (Eddie Vedder). i know, awkward, right?
i have a friend named Jodi. we met in kindergarten. she used to make me laugh so hard that i would have to take a time out. we shared all our secrets, good or bad, and we were best friends. and still are. she's too far away and i miss her all the time. we used to love sneaking out of her house and drinking wine coolers in high school. she had the sweetest car ever too.
i have a friend named Nicholas. he makes grandpa jokes (i.e. you're going to run to salt lake? that's a long way to run.), he tells me he loves me, he makes me happy and then he makes me pizza at 3am. no shit. he's really smart and he is going to be super successful ... but most importantly -- smart, sexy, and successful aside -- he is resilient, sweet, strong, and loves me no matter what (i think). he is also locked in my attic. i think he looks like a young Bob Dylan.
... to be continued ... l'elenco continuerà ...
Monday, February 22, 2010
you don't have to hang with crazy...
a long, long time ago i was going through a very difficult, heartbreaking time. it seems like a dream. i was a zombie going through the motions of something i would never do.
i asked a lady named Mary if she would give me something like valium because i had to go home and deal with a crazy family.
she said no. and then she stopped, turned around and said, "you don't have to hang with crazy, you can walk away from crazy."
at the time, her advice made sense and was even humorous. and i survived the next few days without medication or therapy. and the ebb and flow of crazy continues even to this day. and while i am really, really discouraged and quite defeated, i don't know that i agree with Mary. only cowards walk away. i do have to hang with crazy. i have a grandma that is so sick she is sitting here moaning and whimpering. she won't answer me. she won't talk. she may be crazy. she will only shake her head and whimper. but i can't walk away.
i want to give up. i want to run. i am exhausted. i feel alone. i feel like people use me for what they need. i feel like people are lying to me. i know people are lying to me. i feel like people prey on my kindness. my gut tells me that something is not ok. but i won't be no runaway. cause i don't want to run. what makes you think i enjoy being led to the flood? we got another thing coming undone. that's taking us over.
that's taking us forever.
i might blame this discontent, uncertainty, and hesitation on the extra cold weather. i'm so over it. i want to blame it on selfish people. i don't like seeing people in pain, emotionally or physically. i don't like people who are completely consumed with themselves. i don't like liars. i hate being lied to.
*paragraph omitted*
but there's no saving anything. so i won't be a runaway. cause i won't run.
i asked a lady named Mary if she would give me something like valium because i had to go home and deal with a crazy family.
she said no. and then she stopped, turned around and said, "you don't have to hang with crazy, you can walk away from crazy."
at the time, her advice made sense and was even humorous. and i survived the next few days without medication or therapy. and the ebb and flow of crazy continues even to this day. and while i am really, really discouraged and quite defeated, i don't know that i agree with Mary. only cowards walk away. i do have to hang with crazy. i have a grandma that is so sick she is sitting here moaning and whimpering. she won't answer me. she won't talk. she may be crazy. she will only shake her head and whimper. but i can't walk away.
i want to give up. i want to run. i am exhausted. i feel alone. i feel like people use me for what they need. i feel like people are lying to me. i know people are lying to me. i feel like people prey on my kindness. my gut tells me that something is not ok. but i won't be no runaway. cause i don't want to run. what makes you think i enjoy being led to the flood? we got another thing coming undone. that's taking us over.
that's taking us forever.
i might blame this discontent, uncertainty, and hesitation on the extra cold weather. i'm so over it. i want to blame it on selfish people. i don't like seeing people in pain, emotionally or physically. i don't like people who are completely consumed with themselves. i don't like liars. i hate being lied to.
*paragraph omitted*
but there's no saving anything. so i won't be a runaway. cause i won't run.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Teenager
i got the following text from The Teenager this evening. when we were laying in bed, i asked her where she found it and she casually said, "i just wrote it."
i love the things you say to me, but i can also hate them too.
i love the way you act around me, and i love the way i act around you.
i love your smile, and also your heart... but i hate the way i act whenever we're apart.
you've always got me waiting, but i'm used to it by now,
all my friends think i'm crazy, they they ask me why and how.
i can't live without you, i know you can't live without me too,
so please promise no more silent long days and love me forever,
forever and always.
her heart is gigantic. her talents are endless. her beauty is stunning. i can guess who she wrote it for, but it doesn't matter. it made my year that she shared it with me. my sweet angel.
i love the things you say to me, but i can also hate them too.
i love the way you act around me, and i love the way i act around you.
i love your smile, and also your heart... but i hate the way i act whenever we're apart.
you've always got me waiting, but i'm used to it by now,
all my friends think i'm crazy, they they ask me why and how.
i can't live without you, i know you can't live without me too,
so please promise no more silent long days and love me forever,
forever and always.
her heart is gigantic. her talents are endless. her beauty is stunning. i can guess who she wrote it for, but it doesn't matter. it made my year that she shared it with me. my sweet angel.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
my guardian was lost today
over the last three years, not one day has gone by that i haven't missed my gramps. he came and visited my grandma last night ... but i haven't seen him for a while. sometimes i dream about him. i think he is happy because the sun was shining today. i wish he was here. i wish i could see him smile. i miss watching the Jazz games with him. i even miss him fighting with my grandma. they yelled at each other constantly but i don't know two people that loved each other more.
Monday, February 8, 2010
sugar boyfriend!
prepare to be jealous. very, very, very jealous.
see this?
not impressed? guess whose sugary sweet boyfriend got her tickets to the San Diego show at the historical Spreckels Theatre?
mine! mine! mine!
birthday wishes do come true.
The National! The National! The National!
the tickets are down my pants right now.
see this?
not impressed? guess whose sugary sweet boyfriend got her tickets to the San Diego show at the historical Spreckels Theatre?
mine! mine! mine!
birthday wishes do come true.
The National! The National! The National!
the tickets are down my pants right now.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
sugary sweet birthday
Today is my birthday. One the best things about being born on February 7th is that the Super Bowl falls on your birthday about every five years. This year is one of those years. Sure I'd love to be in Miami watching the game, but sitting in my pajamas and being with my daughter is heaven to me. I can't wait for the game and I am equally excited to see The Who perform at halftime. Pretty sweet birthday.
When I blow out my invisible candles today, I'll simply wish for The National to keep making music. It speaks to my soul. Especially today. I can't explain it. So I'll leave it at that.
And this:
When I blow out my invisible candles today, I'll simply wish for The National to keep making music. It speaks to my soul. Especially today. I can't explain it. So I'll leave it at that.
And this:
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