Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me.

30 Things about Me

I was lamenting about my neglected blog when I saw this little project on my friend Erin's blog. It inspired me! I am going to do it, if for no other reason than to start writing more. So, yes I am a copy cat and you should be too!

Here is what you can expect for the next 30 days:

day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
day 3- a picture of you and your friends
day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
day 5- a picture of somewhere you've been
day 6- favorite super hero and why
day 7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
day 8- short term goals for this month and why
day 9- something you're proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11- another picture of you and your friends
day 12- how you found out about blogger and why you have one
day 13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recently
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put you ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- another picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them
day 20- someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future
day 21- a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave for a lot
day 24- a letter to your parents
day 25- what I would find in your bag
day 26- what do you think about your friends
day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge
day 28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?
day 29- in this past month, what have you learned
day 30- your favorite song

Blame it all on my roots.

from the second i gave birth to both of my daughters, i was spell bound.

suddenly, there is no need for nutrition or sleep. nothing outside of the hospital room matters. there is no want for anything but to hold and love this perfect, tiny, amazing human being. hours and hours are spent watching them sleep.

she's been in this world for 4 minutes.

she's been in the world for 6 hours.

she's only been here for 2 days.

she's perfect.

my first baby girl was born 14 years ago. my second baby girl was born 9 weeks ago. each experience was totally different in every aspect ... EVERY aspect. but i am so in love with both of them that it actually makes my heart ache.

she's been on this earth for 14 years.

she's been here for 9 weeks.

they are perfect.

and yet along with all this perfection and happiness there is real life. and while i've been blissfully consumed with a newborn, reality has been tapping me on the shoulder as if to warn me that life is piling up and when the dam breaks ... there is going to be a lot of upstream paddling involved.

we'll never be the family in matching shirts at Disneyland. we'll never be on time. there will always be expired milk in the fridge. we'll never follow all the rules. there won't be a lot of baking happening in our house. Christmas cards will always be sent out in february. rent will always be late. and one of us will always have a mysterious rash or illness. but at the end of the day, my girls will know that they are loved, safe and perfect. they will know that nothing is more important than the truth. they will know kindness and gratitude.

we'll live with the unexpected. we'll dream about summer homes in mexico. we'll burn frozen pizzas. we'll sleep through school when it snows. we'll laugh at each other. we'll follow our hearts. we'll make really stupid mistakes. we'll fight. we'll pull nana's wig off. we'll have too much to drink. we'll forget our coats. we may not even shower for days at a time. we will live with a lot of forgiveness and a little bit of profanity. it might not make sense to others, but it is, truly, the beautiful disaster that is my life.

welcome 2011. i'm taking it one day at a time.

And then there was Lucy.

my life has a lot of different chapters. some worth reading two or three times, some not even worth skimming the pages. and then there are those chapters that you bookmark. you highlight the characters, events, dates; even the smallest tiny detail is treasured. it is so intense you hang on to every second, not wanting to miss anything, not wanting to forget one second.

the last month has been one of the latter for me.

meet lucy j.


lucy jameson was born on october 28. she came out of my belly! this tiny person!

she is someone i've been waiting to meet my whole life. she is someone that i can't get enough of ... i adore this little angel. i am a different person because of her -- a better person. and the future is so bright for her. for all of us.

oh, and i can see my crotch again!

whiskey made a baby.

Towards the end of 2009 I could feel that a change was coming. I knew this year would be different. I knew that something big was about to happen. Still, if I had been told what that 'something' was, I don't know that I would have believed it. I guess that is the conundrum of life -- untangling choices, relationships, surprises, and challenges and making it all work.

In February on my 35th birthday I was given the best gift anyone could receive: a baby. That's right. Somewhere between the magic of whiskey, friends, music and love, a baby girl was made on the exact anniversary of my birth. It was March before I suspected anything and April before we told anyone. Yet since the moment we found out, we have never looked back. Little Lucy will be here in October and I can't wait to meet her. In less than a month I will be holding this sweet little angel in my arms.

The past eight months have been some of the most challenging times in my life. Events both related to and not related to being pregnant have impacted my life significantly. It would be impossible to describe. It's like I recently told one of my friends, I wake up some mornings wondering how I got myself into this mess. The rest of the mornings, I feel extraordinarily blessed to have my life.

From the desk of ...

There is no real purpose to this post, other than to get a few things off my chest. My writing tonight is the equivalent of finally dropping off those old clothes at Goodwill.

I feel stupid. I feel like I need to learn something new by taking a class, reading a book, or traveling to another country. Or I need to find a totally different career. Or maybe I just need to have more interesting conversations. I had dinner with one of my best friends recently and I realized how much I miss two things: pork chops and perspective. Sigh. Good friends are important.

Sometimes I let myself get worked up too much. I mean, I really shouldn't dislike Tom Cruise so much. It's not productive. And who cares if People magazine wrote a review of The National (months ago) that was completely ridiculous? Why can't I let it go? I guess the same reason I have fierce aversions to Jersey Shore and Tosh.0. Hate both shows but for entirely different reasons.

I have barfed up all my favorite foods this summer. Even my beloved Big Mac. I could see the sesame seeds from the bun. Gross, huh?

Celebrities still creep me out.

I get embarrassed when I read things I have written for various jobs or mindless ramblings. I am sure I'll be embarrassed about this blog one day.

There are two sounds that make me feel safe: the furnace kicking on and Al Michaels' voice.

I find gossiping offensive to the point it makes me physically sick. There is nothing uglier or more disgusting than someone who uses his or her day spreading gossip.

This month I made red velvet cupcakes. I had been talking about them since March and I finally did it. It was the first time I'd baked in years. They were damn good. I injected them with cream cheese frosting ... like red velvet Ding Dongs.

Hopefully this brief and insignificant purging will make room for new, exciting things in my brain.

A Special Dirty 30

See this lady? She's 30 today.

Tawny aka Terry aka Tootsie aka Tawn Tawn aka Little Critter joins the dirty 30 club today. My little sister, all grown up! What can I say ...

To know Tawny is to love her. How could you not? She is one of the most genuine, sweet, caring, funny people I know. You can trust her forever and she has a huge heart. Tawny is sensitive yet feisty. You want her on your side ... always. I am blessed to be her friend and extra blessed to be her sister.

Tawny has a special gift when it comes to people. She relates to them. Which is why she is so good at what she does. She works with adults who have disabilities or behavioral challenges. Her clients quickly become her close friends and a huge part of her life. She has experienced the heartbreak of seeing many of these friends pass away or become seriously ill. Others have punched her, head-butted her, spit on her, and called her names. Yet everyday she meets the physical and emotional demands of a job dedicated to making their lives better. And everyday I am in awe of her compassion and strength. I admire her so much for her love for humanity, and for so many other reasons.

My little sis has an altruistic personality and brightens the room with her presence. She is unique, vibrant, and full of energy. This weekend, I hope she has the celebration she deserves. Here's to another 30 years! I love you!

i make no excuses

... i left on a sour note. mad at the small town antics i typically adore. but i'm back. i thought i had run out of words, or rather they had lost their meanings. and maybe for awhile both assumptions were true.

i did some things last month. setting my bitterness aside, i set out on a flurry of activity and organized chaos. ah, summer.

here is a crash course of my time line from june to present:
it got hot :: mom goes to rehab :: stadium of fire :: gained five pounds :: gratitude :: wyoming :: lagoon :: nevada :: arizona :: stomach flu :: california :: idaho :: forgiveness :: bear lake :: world's most adorable nephew turns two :: back to bear lake :: mom stays in rehab :: happiness :: vomit :: family reunion :: nightmare :: gained three more pounds :: chest cold :: love :: the smell of football season

it's a summary. an outline. the truth is, i am not sure i could capture everything in a remotely interesting way. instead, i'll try to offer small nuggets here and there for your entertainment. for tonight, i'll stick to forgiveness and vomit.

i have always considered myself a forgiving person. i do have a tendency to get mad and react. but once i get it out, i let it go. i forgive and forget. recently, the tables have been turned and i have been lucky enough to have people forgive me. one person, in particular. i have learned that saying "i'm sorry" is one of the hardest things to do, but also one of the most important. and it seems like i have had to offer those two words up a lot lately. and today i truly realized how forgiving my boyfriend is. i am so lucky to have someone who forgives me for my flaws. my outbursts. my moods. my irrational thinking. my impulses. my stubbornness. my hormones. my quirks. my mean streak. my selfishness. my mistakes. my complexities.

i mean, don't get me wrong, i am not always a terror. at least i hope not. but i know that i am not the easiest person to live with or understand. but he sticks with me. he comes after me. he refuses to give up on me. he tries to understand me. and in doing these things, he has taught me that unconditional love is real and it's worth it. it's not easy, but it's worth it. and i have fallen in love with him all over again.

now i will go throw up.

the end.