I have come to the conclusion that a spell has been cast upon me. Last week was a whirlwind of crazy (and mostly unfortunate) events, yet I was uncharacteristically blithe. I found happiness in simple things. I didn't think very much; I did only the things I wanted to do. If I did something nice for someone, it was genuinely because I wanted to.
Unlike years past, I didn't even think about Valentine's Day nor did I spend several painstaking hours on a mix CD of my favorite love songs for a-holes. Instead, I spent a lot of time alone, I ran outside, I drank coffee, I slept, I went to the bookstore, I took deep breaths, I felt sunshine on my skin, I let my guard down. This is not to say that the usual insipidness of my life wasn't swirling around me. Trust me, there was plenty of daily dysfunction and annoyances. I just decided to sidestep them. Even my sister commented after a phone conversation saying, "You sounded happy, if even for a moment."
First of all, weird because I don't know when I started coming across as being unhappy. And weird because I couldn't figure out exactly where the "new" happiness was coming from. Maybe it's from all the sugar I've been eating? Maybe it's from sleeping better? Maybe it's the universe telling me that things are shifting? Maybe it's from telling people "no" more often. Maybe it's because I am one year older. Maybe it's all of the above. I prefer to romanticize it and say it's from being true at heart. Cliché? Oh yea, it's Valentine's Day and I am going for it.
I am completely in love with being me and being 34 years old. I am totally comfortable with myself and my flaws. I have A LOT of issues and I have no problem pointing them out. In fact, one of my flaws is that I give away all of my insecurities and imperfections within the first 24 hours of meeting someone. I come with my very own disclaimer. STOP. Push PAUSE.
My disclaimer is NOT intended to push people away. At least I didn't think it was. It just usually always has. Until this week. Push PLAY.
This week, someone read the disclaimer and signed the deal anyway. He basically shoved my disclaimer back in my face. Turns out, I was really the one who needed to accept my terms and conditions. Turns out, being true at heart--and accepted for it--brings me peace. Turns out, if only for a moment, I am happy.
(from The Parliament of Fowls)
A garden saw I, full of blossomy boughs
Upon a river, in a green mead,
There as sweetness evermore enough is,
With flowers white, blue, yellow, and red,
And cold well-streams, nothing dead,
That swimming full of small fishes light,
With fins red and scales silver bright.
On every bough the birds heard I sing,
With voice of angels in their harmony;
Some busied themselves birds forth to bring;
The little coneys to here play did hie.
And further all about I could see
The dread filled roe, the buck, the hart and hind,
Squirrels, and beasts small of gentle kind.
Of instruments of strings in accord
Heard I so play a ravishing sweetness,
That God, that maker is of all and lord,
Had heard never better, as I guess.
Therewith a wind, scarcely it might be less,
Made in the leaves green a noise soft
Accordant to the fowls' song aloft.
Th'air of that place so a-temperate was
That never was grievance of hot nor cold.
There wax also every wholesome spice and grass;
No man may there wax sick nor old;
Yet was there joy more a thousandfold
Than man can tell; never would it be night,
But always clear day to any man's sight.