I'm Single, Not Desperate

I pretty much had the best job interview of my life today. And it was especially satisfying because I am actually interested in the position. (First time in six months of being unemployed that I can say that!) While I feel kind of nerdy saying this, I am damn smart. And I can kill an interview if I know what I am talking about.

I have had a few job offers over the last few months and everyone has been disgusted that I haven’t considered any of them. I think taking the first job that comes along is terrible advice. I don’t give a shit if it is a paycheck. Fuck that. If I am going to be a robot behind a desk, I am at least going to be a somewhat happy robot.

Anyway, the interview was fun. I am going tomorrow for a follow up.

After my interview I went to lunch with a bunch of characters from my previous place of employment. Boy do I miss those kids.

Then I went to the bookstore which, let's face it, is my favorite place in the world. I wandered around and bought a bunch of books and about five CDs that I probably didn’t need. But books and CDs make me happy. More happy than just about anything. I sat in the bookstore, talked to strangers, read, and drank my coffee.

After getting hopped up on coffee I went to watch the Jazz game with a good friend. I like to laugh. I think it is probably my favorite thing to do. I laughed a lot and the Jazz won.

Pretty much a perfect day.

EXCEPT (yes, here it comes) for that sick feeling in my stomach caused by my heavy heart. This nagging feeling resulted in the deterioration of the hopeful inkling that I had found one of the last amazing guys around. And of course my romantic idealism quickly resolved into cynicism, and the inevitable realization that things aren't going to work out. And let’s face it, I am just too old for this.

I have been single for ten years, by choice. This year I decided that I would be open to a relationship… if it happened. If not, I am okay with that, too. So, being vulnerable, I found someone that I strangely can't stop thinking about...

I just don’t think it’s really that complicated:

1. If I am spending time with you and being nice, it means I like you.
2. Casual friends don’t see each other naked. At least not like that.
3. If I ask you a direct question and you don’t answer me, you’re not playing hard to get, you’re telling me I am unimportant. If it's none of my business, at least say SOMETHING.
4. If I text you and you don’t reply, you’re being a jerk. (Seriously, you can spare 3 seconds.)
5. If I call you, leave a message asking you to call me and you don’t, you’re sending the signal that you're not interested.
6. If you can’t drive one half of a mile to bring me my phone knowing that I am going to be confused and irate, you’re letting me know where I fall on your list of priorities. (Particularly when you’re the type of guy that will drive 8 hours to see a friend.)
7. If you want to see me, make plans! I am not a consolation prize, I am not a booty call, and I am not your last-resort drinking buddy. (Side note: I am open to being a planned booty call and regular drinking buddy, with sufficient notice.)
8. And PLEASE for the love of all that is holy…. if you aren’t interested, TELL ME.
Sure, I like you but I fall out of “like” really fast. You’re not doing me any favors by tormenting me.

9. All I want is a smile.
Just a thought sent my way in the middle of the day.
Just to know where I stand.

10. I get irritated when someone ignores me or acts like my feelings are stupid or insignificant. If I tell you I am upset, pick up the phone and have a grown up conversation. Don't disregard me. At least say, “Let’s talk about it later.” Or even, “You’re not my girlfriend and you should stop.”
11. I want someone who adores me. If I can’t have this, I don't want anything.
12. I have plenty of friends, I don't need one who I am compelled to make out with and strangle at the same time.
13. I like my space and I think it's important you have your space.
14. I want the happiness that coexists with trust, love and mutual respect.

15. If I like someone, no matter what I do, they are invited.
I think most every moment is better when you are in it.

16.I don’t care if you leave town. That's not my issue this week.
I don’t care if you go to Mexico with your friends for weeks at a time.
I just don’t think you need to be shady about it.
It is called simple communication.

17. Ask me any question you want. I will give you an honest answer.
18. If I am being rotten, tell me! If you want to be with me, tell me! If I do something that is a dealbreaker, tell me!
Otherwise, I am only continuing to make an ass out of myself.

19. If you want to be single forever, BE SINGLE!
Leave me out of it.

I am trying really, really hard to be uncomplicated and open.
I am trying to let you know how I feel because I think you are worth it.
I don't want you to change, I just want to understand what your crazy, complicated behavior means. And you are the only one who can explain it.

I don’t need 600 friends online. I’d rather have 7 real ones.
I like hearing someone’s voice.
I like seeing someone’s face.
I like sleeping next to a warm body.

I want an honest boyfriend and lots more tattoos.
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds.

See? Simple.

I give up. I am completely exhausted from guessing and hypothesizing and worrying and caring.
Lesson learned. Again.

In the words of Bright Eyes:
I know you have a heavy heart; I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it...

One day someone will think I'm worth a little craziness and put himself out there. I just know it.