I have been extraordinarily blessed with amazing friends in my life. And I am very careful to keep those friendships in a lock box in my heart. The older we get it seems harder to make a sincere connection with someone. I typically make closer bonds with men. Not sure why. Don't get me wrong, I have amazing girl friends, but I seem to connect with guys much more quickly.
One of those friends used to call me his "heart throb companion." He wrote me stories that made me laugh and cry. He is one of the best writers I know. For three years we had an ongoing fantasy world where Eddie Vedder was his maid and my ex-boyfriend. The details that went into his daily reports were unbelievably funny and entertaining. I think we both started to believe that Eddie really was locked in his woodshed. Anyway, my friend lives far away and I haven't talked to him in years. We've emailed but that's it. I am going to call him after I finish this post.
Today I found my journal and there was a letter from him. Written in 2006, it was an update on his life as we had been out of touch for awhile. He had gotten married, moved to a forest, and was a ghost writer. But something in his letter brought tears to my eyes and it went like this:
"... And oddly...I have not written a famous book yet...or an (un)famous one. Though you may be pleased to know that I did write a poem for you. I remember looking out my apartment window in Vancouver when you and Gina were smoking a fatty on the balcony. I wrote it that weekend.
Naturally I just hunted around for it...and lo and behold...I found it. And you'll have to forgive the poems perception...it was an "if" poem. Or "best case scenario" poem. Anyway it goes like this:
Until the night grew green cold
with tangled winter
and you breathing
with your hand in mine
... You have a gentleness about you. And this is where I may be totally off base...I did get the impression that you wanted a soft place to land. Meaning...you wanted to find someone who totally understood what you were all about. Essentially...what makes Carly...Carly? And to do it unconditionally. With grace.
... Someone who wouldn't criticize you...or be mean etc...someone who would rub your feet at the end of the day...someone who would love all the querks, that again..were unique to you. Someone that would hold your hand when you went on walks...someone who was proud of you and wanted to show you off. And I really wanted to "get" or understand you. That is why I use to love calling you...because I got to listen."
Reading this made me smile. And then tears came. Because I don't think I fully appreciated it at the time, and I think that he might be the only person who ever really "got" me. We never had a romantic relationship. Never tried. We were friends. But I sure love him. And I wish I could see him. I have a feeling I will. Soon.
The last time I opened my heart to the possibility of a relationship it turned into exactly what I feared: a phase. I was a part of a cycle or phase that he was going through. I always knew that would be the case but I wanted to believe differently. I wanted to believe that, at the risk of being judged, he would make a permanent place for me in his life. But even the moon has phases. And I have to accept his. And I have to start a new one for myself. And I am totally ready for the next phase in my life.
Now that I have found you...I am not really all that keen to have you slip away.