How a person begins to rot.

It is Saturday morning and it is raining outside. I woke up around 7:30 am with a headache and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I don't mind the headache, though. I haven't had a hangover for a long time and the pain was a pleasant reminder of last night: a much needed girls night with two of my sisters and several girlfriends.

I tried to wake up Nick and explain to him that today is the last day I can check the younger-ish box on forms like this:

After tomorrow, I am officially in the 35-49 range! He said that some forms list 25-39. Either way, I am having a little bit of anxiety about turning 35. I was down with 30. But this one, it hurts a little. Most people wouldn't guess I am 35 but I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. When their jaws drop and they slowly mouth "thirty-five" I don't know if I should be like, 'hell yea 35 never looked so good!' or 'hell yea I am really that fucking old.' Anyway, I'm going to go fill out a bunch of forms today just because I can. Let the rotting begin!

How A Person Begins To Rot

by Carly

The Beginning

I have been rotting lately and I mean that literally. For the last few days I thought I had the flu. My body temp was around 93 degrees, I was going into shock, I went in and out of semi-comas ... it just kept getting worse. I was confused and kind of crazy. Okay, really crazy. And really depressed and frustrated because I had just recovered from a case of the 10-day flu. Odd.

Anyway, no flu. I was hours away from renal failure and inevitable death. (And before anyone freaks out, please know I am perfectly healthy and the rotting has been reversed, removed, stopped, resolved, whatever.) It was a traumatic experience, and I mean traumatic. I now know what a decomposing body smells like. Rot. The rancid smell still lingers in the house today, reminding me that at 35 years old, a person begins to rot. Now I know the affects an atrophic body has on the brain. The whole experience gave me a new outlook on life. Perhaps it explains why I have been so mean and rotten lately. (Coincidentally, it also explains why old people are so mean.)

Symptons

I glanced at a few articles and 35 is the factual age when the rotting process begins. Here are some things I learned from my research:

> After age 35, women lose up to 1 percent of their bone mass each year (rotting bones).

> Getting pregnant after age 35 is risky (because of your rotting ovaries).

> At 35 your skin stops regenerating cells. (and I assume starts rotting?)

> PH balances in women over 35 change and they start looking old immediately.

> 35 year old women will start to gain weight, rapidly.

> At age 35, women start to notice pigment changes of moles.

> Around 35 women will notice pre-menopause symptoms.

> Night sweats in elderly women are common.

It's all there. Clinical studies have shown it. Sweet mother Mary of Jesus.

Coping with the Rot

Please don't tell me to be optimistic; let me get it out. I don't need any opposing points of view on this one. It's a crisis. It's inevitable. We're all going to rot. Today I am still youthful and attractive ... tomorrow, well, my driver license won't be the only thing expired.

Now. The upside. Once the putrefaction stopped inside my body, I started to feel better emotionally and had a much clearer perspective. I realized that I have been rotten in nature--to my family, the poor people at Wells Fargo, people on TV, animals, pretty much anyone I came into contact with. I have even been extremely cantankerous to my boyfriend, whose rotting guts I love. So, duly noted. I mean, Sharon has always been a little rowdy but I do feel bad about my family and boyfriend.

Lastly, I would like to tell you how a person can reverse the rotting process or at least make it somewhat tolerable. While I was in bed, my body internally decaying, Nick came home and brought me a plastic bag with three things in it: Junior Mints, a Coke, and a used copy of Don Quixote. I am not sure that in my organs-shutting-down state I let him know how in love I was with his gift and him. It was thoughtful, adorable, perfect, sweet, subtle, considerate and meant so much to me. Don Quixote. Awesome. He just knew.

You can also either slow down or speed up the rotting process with alcohol. Depending on how much you drink, what you drink, how often, etc. I find that it kills bacteria so I am going to ignore the articles about the speeding up part.

The End

So that is the long version of how a person begins to rot. Now I have to go take care of my grandma, who I think is very rotten (inside, no offense) and may be dying. She's very ill.

Dedicated to my Jakovasaur

So sentimental

Not sentimental no !

Romantic not disgusting yet...

So you saved the world? Big deal.

i had a dream the other night that i saved the world. it went like this:

those still alive on the planet knew that destruction was near so all survivors gathered around for a pearl jam concert as the anticipated flames of the fire (that was destroying the earth) encroached towards us.

i, unwilling to accept eradication of the world, used my powers to turn the fire into a huge tarp of some kind and threw it down on the other side of the mountain. it wasn't even that hard. i told the news stations my name was jill so they wouldn't harass me and ran back to the concert. i think i was unwilling to accept the end of pearl jam more than life. as a reward, eddie called "jill" up on stage. i had dreamed about this day for so long! i was standing next to him, studying every line in his face and watching his hair occasionally catch a piece of ash, when i realized that the band didn't care about me. they didn't give a shit that i had saved the world.

eddie vedder acted like i was just another fan that had some kind of disease or special talent. she's fighting cancer or can sing 'Alive' in three languages. alright jill! in fact, the most memorable part was eddie and jeff yelling at me each time i spoke into the mic because i forgot to "push the button!" god, jill is stupid.

after i was ushered off the stage, i felt almost embarrassed.

it reminded me of my childhood and being embarrassed to tell people when i did something good. like when i wrote a book or won a contest. i don't know if it's because i thought people would make fun of me, or if it was simply because i was a huge nerd. (no, seriously, i was still playing "private detectives" and "office workers" when i was in high school.)

and now as i watch my daughter go to Junior High and get embarrassed over EVERYTHING, it breaks my heart. by thirteen, our dreams and fantasies and hopes become unrealistic and we settle for mediocrity because we don't look like the airbrushed people driving around Beverly Hills. why? if we believed in ourselves like my 6-year-old niece believes in herself, we'd be something amazing. but who is going to stand up and yell "I am the most beautiful girl in all the land!!!!" at 34? or even 18? no one. because people would laugh.

it is discouraging. and i'll be the first to admit that i often repress more than self-confidence. sometimes i squash out good ideas, gut feelings, all emotion, or feelings of happiness. it's been a rough year. the future feels bleak. can we change it? i just want to be happy. i just want to smile. i don't want to carry a bag around of bad memories, fights, resentment, and shitty experiences. i crave just simple happiness, that's all. even if it means having a mullet, not being cool, and making home movies all day. because those were the happiest days of my life.

I found extreme joy in this...

It's Sunday. I went to bed last night at... 8pm, I think. Nevertheless I woke up at 3am and was completely cranky. As the sun rose and the coffee brewed, I started taking care of business. Apparently, people DO work on Sundays (outside of Utah). I would like to give big props for those dedicated people.

First on my list was Wells Fargo ... this has been an ongoing issue since the end of December. To make a long story short, after getting NO help at a branch location, I decided to email the corporate office yesterday. This morning I awoke to a reply from the aforementioned email requesting a credit of $70 (2 overdraft fees) on my account. There were three unauthorized charges of $170 each within 6 days from my daughter's orthodontist. (Three charges in 6 days!) I had no idea. I had gone to Del Taco on one of the days so I got charged $35 for my $6 meal. Anywho, I had visited the Hell branch and per their suggestion called Whitney in D##### (my "home" branch). The home branch is the location you open your account in and has the authority to both reverse overdrawn fees and transfer your account to another location. When she was no help at ALL, I sent this to Wells Fargo (keep in mind, I had a limit on letters so it's broken up:

To Whom It May Concern:

My home branch is in D#####;I live in M#######.I asked Whitney (in Draper - oops) 2 things: Please allow a courtesy reverse on the last two overdraft fees on 1/22 of $35.00 ea.I have been with WF for almost a year. The ONLY reason the NSFs occurred was because of THREE discrepancies and UNAUTHORIZED charges by my orthodontist. TWO charges of $120 were charged on 12/30 and another $120 was charged on 1/6. This is the worst customer service I have ever experienced...I have NEVER requested a reversal with WF. In fact, I have referred several people to WF. Secondly, I requested my acct to be moved to the Springville branch. It's much easier for me to bank there. The Hell Branch was unable to help me without Draper's permission on both issues. Whitney didn't seem to care or give me a direct answer as to why she wouldn't do either. Either way, my account will be closed by the end of the week.

Original Message Follows: ------------------------
Dear Lady #######:

We are sorry that the service you received did not meet your expectations. We constantly strive to provide you with the highest level of customer service. I have forwarded the details of your experience to the appropriate management team.

When you move, there is no need to transfer your account from one branch to another. Since your account information is available at all of our branch locations, there is no "home branch" for your account. We want you to feel welcome at all of our branches. Please feel free to use any Wells Fargo location as your personal branch. (EXACTLY what Whitney said, almost verbatim.)

We have reviewed your request to reverse the overdraft fees assessed to your account. Our review indicates the fees were correctly applied and they will not be waived via email.

Blah blah blah....

-------

My response (not altered in anyway):

Original Message Follows: ------------------------

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I want a personal banker who is close to me, i.e. Hell. I know that I don't have to change branches but I liked the personal service I received in Hell.

Thanks for the same canned answer you have so well trained your employees to say.

I hope you have a fanfuckingtastic day.

-----------
Second up: TMOBILE. This is when I apparently turned in Sharon from the South. I tried to get online support four times, and was told that all online agents were busy and I was number 8 in the queue. So I decided to change my help request from an existing customer to a new customer in the little "What Can We Help You With?" box.

Again, not altered (except for my social security number):

me: why do non t-mobile customers get priority over existing t-Mobile customers, particularly t-Mobile customers of 12 years? I don't think this is fair!
You have been connected to _Kristen P.
me: that's not my real question.i would like to know if i can pay my bill in full on monday (tomorrow) as the bank is closed today and i can't deposit my check.
_Kristen P: I would be happy to look into that for you today.
_Kristen P: I know how important it is for you to stay on top of your billing, lady.
me: i understand marketing and i know that that is how you do business and i also know it's not your fault--'the whole take new customers first. anyway, i am grumpy this morning.
_Kristen P: No problem.
me: yea, since this whole "gone green" thing, i get confused when my bills are due. and then, next thing you know, it's already a month later!
_Kristen P: I can definitely understand that.
me: i am late on my period too.
me: damn things, i wish they would come as quickly as these damn t-mobile bills. LOL.
_Kristen P: I am just looking over your account right now, Lady.
_Kristen P: Can you please verify the last four digits of your SSN?
me: 1111
_Kristen P: Thank you for that information.
_Kristen P: I do show that there is a past due balance on your account, but it does not show that it has been suspended or anything like that.
_Kristen P: I can leave a note on the account that you will be making that payment tomorrow, if you like.
me: that would be great! i hate those reconnection fees. i will definitely take care of it. thank you SO MUCH!
_Kristen P: I also wanted to let you know that I looked over your account and I see that you are on a plan with 700 shared minutes. It looks like the plan that you are on is working out well for your needs at this time.
me: i am writing you a letter of recommendation; you are smarter than everyone at WellsFargo, HP Computers, and my orthodontist's office.
_Kristen P: Thank you for that. That is very nice of you.
me: yes, thank you. there was an overage with my coworkers last month--they thought it would be smooth to call both my work AND personal phone (they aren't smart) but otherwise, we have a good plan.
me: oh, two last things:
me: 1. who is your supervisor and where should i send your letter of recommendation?
me: 2. do you think it's a boy or a girl?
_Kristen P: I think that there is a survey at the end of your chat that you can fill out for me.
me: thank you! i'll wait until august i guess :)
_Kristen P: You are very welcome.
_Kristen P: I hope you have a great day.
me: you too!
_Kristen P: Thank you.
_Kristen P: Thank you for contacting T-Mobile Chat, and thanks for being part of our family.

Needless to say, there was no survey at the end of the Chat. Don't worry, I wrote down the specific time, date, etc. so I can write her a sincere letter. Also of critical note: I am NOT late. I am actually on my period. Let me repeat that: NO MISSED PERIOD.

I also want to give you an update on the Wells Fargo issue. I just got a message from the only person with a brain in the company (a woman) and she had a brilliant idea. File the three charges to be investigated and stop all further withdrawals from the orthodontist who I plan to chastise for:

1. The aforementioned charges that ruined my life. Hey! I'm unemployed! That's a lot of money! $360 in 6 days!

2. A letter the editor. We live in a small town and I bet I could start a commotion. I bet some lady would even say he grabbed her boob.

2. His stupid 4th of July fireworks. (He got licensed to let them off himself.)

3. His daughter wore the same dress as my daughter to the Christmas dance. (Dude, you're a billionaire, you HAVE to shop at Macy's?)

Anyway, I woke up feeling like shit and now I feel so much better. This brings up the question ... does this make me an asshole? Answer: YES!

It's a new dawn, it's a new day ...

As Karma so sweetly pointed out, I did indeed change my blog design and photos for 2010. I decided that there is no better time than the New Year to make such changes. I am surprised how fast a year goes by. So ... good bye to the previous look and feel of Just Try One Bite:

And good bye to 2009 ... I can't say that I'll miss ya.

Public Service Announcements

You read it right. It is not a spelling error. It is plural.

I have several announcements to make and I would like to list them as the consummate professional I am. As such, I am volunteering my time and energy to sponsor--to publish these very important public announcements.

Public Service Announcement One:

I have found the remedy for the 10-day flu/illness/swine flu/sickness from hell. It is Stella.

Tested, double-blind placebo, done.

Note: I don't know the chemistry, I don't care. For all you naysayers, the lager either drowns the fluttering bird or coats the stomach lining. Maybe it numbs the pain. All I know is that it provides sweet relief. Those Belgiums really nailed it. Again. Neanderthals? Hardly!

Public Service Announcement Two:

Please note, this announcement is ONLY for single, chaste people over the age of 30.

Now is no time to abstain. Copulation is REALLY good. Like, THE BEST.

Note: You're not getting any younger and shooting up heroin is still illegal. And what if...what if, there is no celestial kingdom?

Public Service Announcement Three:

Today is Friday, January 15. I have made only good decisions today:

1. I verbally declared: "I will never work another day in my life."

2. I wrote on the wall above my bed: "I will read Don Quixote."

3. I made the decision that I must do something that is going to be very difficult. Now.

Note: Only number three will actually happen.

Public Service Announcement Four:

Skinny Jeans on Guys: Fashion or Fate?

Remember the controversy surrounding male bikers who couldn't knock up their wives? Excessive biking caused impotence and a low sperm count. Yea, in summary, pressure from the bike seat on the area surrounding the scrotum was the culprit. Too tight. Toight as a tiger. Just like the painted-on jeans that all the hipsters are wearing. T i g h t. So leave the boys in skinny jeans alone. Artificial Selection is often unintentional. Natural Selection is unavoidable.

Note: I would be very depressed if my boyfriend wore smaller jeans than me. I would secretly try to squeeze into them and cry. And then I would tell him, "It's not you ... it's your genes--I mean jeans!"

Public Service Announcement Five:

I had a pang of missing the friends I used to work with at the frankfurter food processing plant. For example, Erin, whose eyes reveal what she is thinking in less than two seconds but her dry wit remains unsurpassed. And Jocey (who lets me call her Jocey even though no one else does) who demands respect by her wardrobe alone, who is ambitious, smart, honest, persistent, and totally unappreciated. And Courtney and Amber with their humor and sarcasm and the legendary soy latte that saved my life. I miss other people too. Actually, not really.

Note: I don't want to be a man. Ever. Being a woman in the workforce may be demeaning, but being a man is even worse. Grown men giving other grown men blow jobs is much more pathetic than never being promoted to upper management.

That is all.

enormous changes at the last minute

sometimes i complain. i am trying not to but god dammit, i am only human.

i don't have any complaints at the moment. but i am a contradiction expert of sorts.

for example, i'll say 'no' when i mean 'yes'. i will smile when i am not happy. i'll pretend to be listening but i am not, usually. or i'll say i don't complain when it's a well known fact that all i do is complain. and i have also been referred to as dramatic. i disagree but i am amicable with my critics.

it's no secret that i have issues that reach far into the universe that my mortal body will eventually have to face but will avoid in my next life ... by choosing to be a plant or a really smart dog.

anyway, the really, really, really abstract point is ... i love birds. i do. they bring messages. they bring comfort. they sing. they are adorable. and on and on. maybe i'll write a tremendously boring blog about birds one day. i digress, i usually can interpret their messages. but i have a small problem... there is bird in my belly right now that i can't understand. and it is making me sick. it's convincing me that i have a brain tumor, the swine flu, an infected ulcer, or any other illness that makes you super sick and ornery. throwing up, headaches, stomach ache, the usual cold/flu symptoms, oh, and being a jerk to your boyfriend. the bird flutters and says that i should run. really, really, really fast somewhere and hide. or fly. i am, after all, a pajarito myself. i am accustomed to running and flying fast.

i'm just sick. so maybe the bird is telling me to hide for a week under the covers and sleep? not likely. birds are messengers, not lazy like cats or three-toed sloths. and i have big plans for 2010. you should see our pad. it's really coming together. and my daughter made my day the other night with just five unexpected words. and my boyfriend is an insomniac but also... (ok, i'll go ahead and say it, but keep in mind, i have a fever and may be clinically daft)... i have a boyfriend who unexpectedly came into my life that i love, like, love love. i know, i swore i wouldn't be one of those assholes but i am.

he won't let me run. he's smart. he is obsessed with music. and he has defied death for me--he didn't know at the time he was doing it for me, but turns out, he was. (ok, that's a stretch but it might be a lifetime movie one day.) he has changed me. he's adorable, funny, and loves Gizmo.

anyway, the year is exactly opposite of what i expected--which is usually the case with most things in my life. and the bird in my belly is usually an indicator of enormous changes at the last minute(1). and i love change. i do. so i guess i just need to convince my body that it is a sickness of excitement rather than something that is tragically wrong. so, bring on the diet of chicken broth and coca-cola. i am sick with excitement!

(1) Grace Paley

Auld Lang Syne Life is Long

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

I kiss 2009 goodbye with love. Not really interested in looking back on anything terrible, I am just looking forward.

And, I have to say, 2010 has been a good year for me. I really have loved every minute of it so far. Minimal hangovers, amazing friends, my grandma's birthday party with lots of family ... AND I have already given my bathroom a makeover.

My first meal in 2010 was a Big Mac from McDonald's (of course). My first kiss has made me belly-laugh every single day so far. My daughter has hugged me every day. And I have been happy.

There is a common saying about life being too short. But I think life is long. Life is long. Days are long. Days are full of worrying, fighting, working, thinking, wasting, trying, failing, hating, comparing, gossiping, conspiring, grieving, leaving, regretting, talking ... dreaming, loving, traveling, achieving, laughing, inspiring, smiling, living, running, listening, kissing, illuminating, learning, sharing, drinking, reading, forgiving, resolving, renewing ... Life is too long to spend it being miserable. So I am going to try.

Really try.

"Auld lang syne" literally translated to English is "old long since" or, idiomatically as "long, long, ago".

Oh, hello 2010.

Oh, life is long and hollow ...

Cue my own New Year's Auld Lang Syne : Handsome Furs Hate This City

woke up with blankets in buildings with jaws
stuck to the sheets, clammy with noon
we wish for night-time, a darkening screen
hoping the heart is just a machine

oh, there was home
oh, there was home

this one is vicious, a sinister lean
we haunted the staircase where small ghosts have been
we knew that heaven was stretched out and wide
pinned to the sky, pinned to the sky

oh, there was home

oh, there was home

oh, life is long and hollow
oh, life is long and hollow

oh, life is long and hollow

oh, life is long and hollow

we hate this city and its drone
we hate this city and its drone

we hate this city and its drone

we hate this city and its drone

so black out a million screens
and wire up the floor

baby we can get you anything you want
anytime you want
but you'll wonder what its for

so black out a million screams
and wire up all the floors

baby we can get you anything you want
anytime you want
but you'll wonder what its for