A Complex Recipe for Holiday E Coli

Sometimes simplicity is more complex than one would ever imagine.
Sometimes Jews are stranger than Christians.
And sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

And that explains why I absolutely loathe the holidays. I hate the commercialism; I hate not having money; I hate the expectation kids have for an obscene amount of gifts; and I hate the day after Thanksgiving when 6:00 am tramplings at Walmart are socially acceptable.

Halloween is like the pull tab on the beer can of the holiday season; New Year's is like the faded, drunken blur right before passing out after months of hard liquor that undoubtedly caused irreversible liver damage. The three months between these two holidays lies the feckless dysfunction of the season. Some call it the pinnacle (or joyous culmination) of the holidays; I like to refer to it as the worst time I never remember. I often think to myself, 'Am I drunk or does everyone hate me?'

Alternatively, I often wonder if I am the only one who gets it... except for Clark:

Nevertheless, being that we are smack-dab in the abomination, I have decided to make a list of the sweetest things that have happened in 2009. Following that list (because I am Carly), I would also like to share a few of the rotten things that happened in 2009. After all, in retrospect, you can't know real happiness until you experience one disaster after another.

Ten Sweetest Things in 2009 (in no particular order):

10. Watching Chloe, Ady, Piper and Max grow into the most amazing nieces and nephew ever.

9. Sneaking into BlizzCon with my charming friends and co-workers to see Ozzy Osbourne.

8. Visiting Melanie in Monterrey with Mindy... and relishing all the hungry butts that we saw.

7. Seeing the following bands in concert: Pearl Jam, Sunset Rubdown, Yo La Tengo, Bon Iver, M. Ward, Conner Oberst & the Mystic Valley Band, Black Keys, Sonic Youth, Cursive, White Rabbits, AA Bondy, The Hold Steady, Will Sartain & Giant, Vile Blue Shades, The Devil Whale, Band of Annuals, Starmy, Purr Bats, Black Hens, Future of the Ghost, Ok Ikumi, Blind Pilot, Peter and the Wolf, Laura Gibson, David Williams, Cub Country, Bluebird Radio, Tough Tittie, Ten out of Tenn, Leslie and the Badgers, Big Gun Baby, Blitzen Trapper, and more and more and more and more.

6. Adopting Ellie and Zor, my very special puppies.

6. (Yes, I know. Two 6's.) Meeting Justin Hackworth.

5. Kelly getting married and reuniting with her, Bethie and Jacki.

4. My unbelievable, smart, beautiful daughter becoming an official teenager: 13!

3. Meeting and falling in love with The Family, and a memorable summer of Smoking Sundays and nights at the Gallivan Center.

2. Seeing The National in Milwaukee and Chicago with Fuschnickens.

1. Falling in love, finally and genuinely.

Ten Rotten Things in 2009 (in no particular order):

10. Winter: It's cold, annoying, and makes me cranky. Sometimes it gives me dysmenorrhea. And diarrhea, too.

9. Learning that people you trust are disingenuous, greedy, liars, fake, chameleon-like, selfish, imprudent, threatened, unintelligent, simple, loquacious, cowardly, vaginal douche kits. Note to self: work is a place we go to make money and get bullied. It is not a place to make friends; it's not a place to believe anything you hear; it's not a place to allow your boss to stare at your boobs; it's not real life.

8. Three of the most important boys in my life going through traumatic experiences: Two had seizures that scared me to death. The other one - and I'm not naming names - (Brooks) hit his head and forgot who I am; we used to be bff's.

7. Having to pay $2.50 to say, "You goddamn fucking shit ass printer! Do you want to die?"

6. Being "let go" or "dismissed" or "parting ways" from work, in a REALLY childish and puerile way. (Note: I will NEVER work 100+ hours a week for some chode whose only instructions are to "make me look good".)

5. Losing my sweet puppy, Zor, to some jerk who didn't even stop to tell us he hit him.

4. Not being able to get over Dr. Phil.

3. Losing our precious Sunny girl on March 20.

2. Being a perpetual disappointment with perceived reckless abandon that make people worry about me. I don't want people to worry about me. Believe it or not, I've made it 34-years, and although I've made some mistakes, I know who I am and what I am doing. And I even believe that I have raised The Teenager to the best of my abilities.

1. Not spending enough time with Chloe and my family; particularly my nieces and nephew.

I think 2010 will be a good year. I sure do. I don't care if I have to have a therapist. I have great friends and great siblings. I am sure I will still make mistakes but... without my mistakes, I'm just an ordinary douche kit (refer to #9). And I'd rather be anything but that.

Something sweet.

I have the sweetest, most adorable Jakovasaur that lives in my attic.

We both have insomnia. Well, mostly just he does. So last night we both pulled an all-nighter and he helped me so much (I was working on a tight deadline). Jakov made me laugh, he got me a coke with extra extra ice, and he showed me videos of drag car races. He is also photoshopping a picture of Gizmo in her pink convertible that rules. More importantly, he gave me something sweet.

This morning we made Chloe and Jocey breakfast for Chloe's 13th birthday. He made the most delicious french toast with a crispy hat. It was awesome.

I am crazy about him. So much so that it warrants a blog entry. He will be a big contributor to my survival this winter. I just don't know what I would do without him. Thanks, baby.

Winter blows.

Each year, the first few weeks of winter come crashing in with icy winds, below freezing temps, and blustering snow. And every year I think to myself that my body won't survive another winter in Utah--that it will be physically impossible to live through this. But somehow I manage to get through it.

This morning I woke up shivering. I could hear the wind snapping and whipping, wrapping itself around the house, the house wincing and creaking with each gust. I forced my feet to hit the cold floor to assess the situation from a window. Wind. Snow. Ice. Frost. Thank you, no.

I begged my tiny pup Ellie to go outside to use the bathroom. When she cowered at the snow drift coming in the door, I honestly considered training her to use a human toilet or even the corner of the shower... something, anything, to avoid the biting cold. But like me, she's tough. And she ran out and braved the elements.

And I ran back to my bed with an extra quilt. This is where I'll work from today. My bones will eventually have to face the ridiculousness of the season, just not today. If only I had a bottle of Jameson right now, I'd be the happiest girl in Utah.

This family eats a lot of toast.

History was made last weekend.

My grandma is a lady. She doesn't swear, act fresh, or dress inappropriately.

In fact, she has NEVER said the 'F' word and she maintained that I would likely see my death before I ever heard it from her mouth.

That sentence was true until last Saturday. I came downstairs to help put up Christmas decorations. Apparently I was too late.

grandma: "Thanks for your help."

me: "Well, you need to ask when you want people to help you."

grandma: "I did. Everything is done but the Christmas lights."

me: "Well here I am so I guess I'll put up the fucking Christmas lights."

(short pause)

grandma: "I don't have any fucking Christmas lights."

She said it. And I think she nailed it. If you're only going to use the word once in your life... use it wisely. It made me very happy and I hung the Christmas lights outside in the cold.

Later she told me I backed her into a corner and she had no choice but to say it. Her reasoning only makes me love it more. She's a fighter.