Monday, December 21, 2009

A Complex Recipe for Holiday E Coli

Sometimes simplicity is more complex than one would ever imagine.
Sometimes Jews are stranger than Christians.
And sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

And that explains why I absolutely loathe the holidays. I hate the commercialism; I hate not having money; I hate the expectation kids have for an obscene amount of gifts; and I hate the day after Thanksgiving when 6:00 am tramplings at Walmart are socially acceptable.

Halloween is like the pull tab on the beer can of the holiday season; New Year's is like the faded, drunken blur right before passing out after months of hard liquor that undoubtedly caused irreversible liver damage. The three months between these two holidays lies the feckless dysfunction of the season. Some call it the pinnacle (or joyous culmination) of the holidays; I like to refer to it as the worst time I never remember. I often think to myself, 'Am I drunk or does everyone hate me?'

Alternatively, I often wonder if I am the only one who gets it... except for Clark:

Nevertheless, being that we are smack-dab in the abomination, I have decided to make a list of the sweetest things that have happened in 2009. Following that list (because I am Carly), I would also like to share a few of the rotten things that happened in 2009. After all, in retrospect, you can't know real happiness until you experience one disaster after another.

Ten Sweetest Things in 2009 (in no particular order):

10. Watching Chloe, Ady, Piper and Max grow into the most amazing nieces and nephew ever.

9. Sneaking into BlizzCon with my charming friends and co-workers to see Ozzy Osbourne.

8. Visiting Melanie in Monterrey with Mindy... and relishing all the hungry butts that we saw.

7. Seeing the following bands in concert: Pearl Jam, Sunset Rubdown, Yo La Tengo, Bon Iver, M. Ward, Conner Oberst & the Mystic Valley Band, Black Keys, Sonic Youth, Cursive, White Rabbits, AA Bondy, The Hold Steady, Will Sartain & Giant, Vile Blue Shades, The Devil Whale, Band of Annuals, Starmy, Purr Bats, Black Hens, Future of the Ghost, Ok Ikumi, Blind Pilot, Peter and the Wolf, Laura Gibson, David Williams, Cub Country, Bluebird Radio, Tough Tittie, Ten out of Tenn, Leslie and the Badgers, Big Gun Baby, Blitzen Trapper, and more and more and more and more.

6. Adopting Ellie and Zor, my very special puppies.

6. (Yes, I know. Two 6's.) Meeting Justin Hackworth.

5. Kelly getting married and reuniting with her, Bethie and Jacki.

4. My unbelievable, smart, beautiful daughter becoming an official teenager: 13!

3. Meeting and falling in love with The Family, and a memorable summer of Smoking Sundays and nights at the Gallivan Center.

2. Seeing The National in Milwaukee and Chicago with Fuschnickens.

1. Falling in love, finally and genuinely.

Ten Rotten Things in 2009 (in no particular order):

10. Winter: It's cold, annoying, and makes me cranky. Sometimes it gives me dysmenorrhea. And diarrhea, too.

9. Learning that people you trust are disingenuous, greedy, liars, fake, chameleon-like, selfish, imprudent, threatened, unintelligent, simple, loquacious, cowardly, vaginal douche kits. Note to self: work is a place we go to make money and get bullied. It is not a place to make friends; it's not a place to believe anything you hear; it's not a place to allow your boss to stare at your boobs; it's not real life.

8. Three of the most important boys in my life going through traumatic experiences: Two had seizures that scared me to death. The other one - and I'm not naming names - (Brooks) hit his head and forgot who I am; we used to be bff's.

7. Having to pay $2.50 to say, "You goddamn fucking shit ass printer! Do you want to die?"

6. Being "let go" or "dismissed" or "parting ways" from work, in a REALLY childish and puerile way. (Note: I will NEVER work 100+ hours a week for some chode whose only instructions are to "make me look good".)

5. Losing my sweet puppy, Zor, to some jerk who didn't even stop to tell us he hit him.

4. Not being able to get over Dr. Phil.

3. Losing our precious Sunny girl on March 20.

2. Being a perpetual disappointment with perceived reckless abandon that make people worry about me. I don't want people to worry about me. Believe it or not, I've made it 34-years, and although I've made some mistakes, I know who I am and what I am doing. And I even believe that I have raised The Teenager to the best of my abilities.

1. Not spending enough time with Chloe and my family; particularly my nieces and nephew.

I think 2010 will be a good year. I sure do. I don't care if I have to have a therapist. I have great friends and great siblings. I am sure I will still make mistakes but... without my mistakes, I'm just an ordinary douche kit (refer to #9). And I'd rather be anything but that.


  1. thank you for writing your blog. I know it's not for me but sometimes i feel like it is- just to remind me things are never world ending.
    sucker punch.

  2. Carly in love? Never!

    I am glad you are happy.

  3. I think perhaps I have never been more in love with you than this moment in which I squeezed a salty tear from my eye at the describing of Halloween as a pull tab and Christmas as an abomination. Today as I tried to run over out of towners lost in our fine outlet store town, old people searching for parking, and those who just drive junky cars slowly with non-functioning blinkers, I thought very, very seriously to myself...this is why there is festivus. I have started to make my list of greivances for next year. The designer of the Starbucks drivethru on Peabody Rd is at the top of my fucking list.

    I went to a Festivus party a couple of weeks ago. There was a cat fight during the airing of grievenaces, I think the exact words shouted across the room were "Shut the fuck up you fuckin bitch. Yes, you, you fucking bitch" was incredible. I grieved the fucktards I work with and midgets. Fucking midgets.

    You would have loved it. Some day when I have a bigger house and throw parties of my own sans 70 yo single amputee father with a herniated belly button that is never covered up, 85 lb dog that never gets walked, and non rent paying, 22-yo sister with the sleeping habits of a kitten, I will invite you to be my guest of honor at Festivus. You will be my Festivus Queen and you will read the grievances from your throne. I will video tape it with my Flip camcorder and we will laugh for years to come.

    PS - Love is good. Do work son!


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