And then there was Lucy.

my life has a lot of different chapters. some worth reading two or three times, some not even worth skimming the pages. and then there are those chapters that you bookmark. you highlight the characters, events, dates; even the smallest tiny detail is treasured. it is so intense you hang on to every second, not wanting to miss anything, not wanting to forget one second.

the last month has been one of the latter for me.

meet lucy j.


lucy jameson was born on october 28. she came out of my belly! this tiny person!

she is someone i've been waiting to meet my whole life. she is someone that i can't get enough of ... i adore this little angel. i am a different person because of her -- a better person. and the future is so bright for her. for all of us.

oh, and i can see my crotch again!

whiskey made a baby.

Towards the end of 2009 I could feel that a change was coming. I knew this year would be different. I knew that something big was about to happen. Still, if I had been told what that 'something' was, I don't know that I would have believed it. I guess that is the conundrum of life -- untangling choices, relationships, surprises, and challenges and making it all work.

In February on my 35th birthday I was given the best gift anyone could receive: a baby. That's right. Somewhere between the magic of whiskey, friends, music and love, a baby girl was made on the exact anniversary of my birth. It was March before I suspected anything and April before we told anyone. Yet since the moment we found out, we have never looked back. Little Lucy will be here in October and I can't wait to meet her. In less than a month I will be holding this sweet little angel in my arms.

The past eight months have been some of the most challenging times in my life. Events both related to and not related to being pregnant have impacted my life significantly. It would be impossible to describe. It's like I recently told one of my friends, I wake up some mornings wondering how I got myself into this mess. The rest of the mornings, I feel extraordinarily blessed to have my life.

From the desk of ...

There is no real purpose to this post, other than to get a few things off my chest. My writing tonight is the equivalent of finally dropping off those old clothes at Goodwill.

I feel stupid. I feel like I need to learn something new by taking a class, reading a book, or traveling to another country. Or I need to find a totally different career. Or maybe I just need to have more interesting conversations. I had dinner with one of my best friends recently and I realized how much I miss two things: pork chops and perspective. Sigh. Good friends are important.

Sometimes I let myself get worked up too much. I mean, I really shouldn't dislike Tom Cruise so much. It's not productive. And who cares if People magazine wrote a review of The National (months ago) that was completely ridiculous? Why can't I let it go? I guess the same reason I have fierce aversions to Jersey Shore and Tosh.0. Hate both shows but for entirely different reasons.

I have barfed up all my favorite foods this summer. Even my beloved Big Mac. I could see the sesame seeds from the bun. Gross, huh?

Celebrities still creep me out.

I get embarrassed when I read things I have written for various jobs or mindless ramblings. I am sure I'll be embarrassed about this blog one day.

There are two sounds that make me feel safe: the furnace kicking on and Al Michaels' voice.

I find gossiping offensive to the point it makes me physically sick. There is nothing uglier or more disgusting than someone who uses his or her day spreading gossip.

This month I made red velvet cupcakes. I had been talking about them since March and I finally did it. It was the first time I'd baked in years. They were damn good. I injected them with cream cheese frosting ... like red velvet Ding Dongs.

Hopefully this brief and insignificant purging will make room for new, exciting things in my brain.

A Special Dirty 30

See this lady? She's 30 today.

Tawny aka Terry aka Tootsie aka Tawn Tawn aka Little Critter joins the dirty 30 club today. My little sister, all grown up! What can I say ...

To know Tawny is to love her. How could you not? She is one of the most genuine, sweet, caring, funny people I know. You can trust her forever and she has a huge heart. Tawny is sensitive yet feisty. You want her on your side ... always. I am blessed to be her friend and extra blessed to be her sister.

Tawny has a special gift when it comes to people. She relates to them. Which is why she is so good at what she does. She works with adults who have disabilities or behavioral challenges. Her clients quickly become her close friends and a huge part of her life. She has experienced the heartbreak of seeing many of these friends pass away or become seriously ill. Others have punched her, head-butted her, spit on her, and called her names. Yet everyday she meets the physical and emotional demands of a job dedicated to making their lives better. And everyday I am in awe of her compassion and strength. I admire her so much for her love for humanity, and for so many other reasons.

My little sis has an altruistic personality and brightens the room with her presence. She is unique, vibrant, and full of energy. This weekend, I hope she has the celebration she deserves. Here's to another 30 years! I love you!

i make no excuses

... i left on a sour note. mad at the small town antics i typically adore. but i'm back. i thought i had run out of words, or rather they had lost their meanings. and maybe for awhile both assumptions were true.

i did some things last month. setting my bitterness aside, i set out on a flurry of activity and organized chaos. ah, summer.

here is a crash course of my time line from june to present:
it got hot :: mom goes to rehab :: stadium of fire :: gained five pounds :: gratitude :: wyoming :: lagoon :: nevada :: arizona :: stomach flu :: california :: idaho :: forgiveness :: bear lake :: world's most adorable nephew turns two :: back to bear lake :: mom stays in rehab :: happiness :: vomit :: family reunion :: nightmare :: gained three more pounds :: chest cold :: love :: the smell of football season

it's a summary. an outline. the truth is, i am not sure i could capture everything in a remotely interesting way. instead, i'll try to offer small nuggets here and there for your entertainment. for tonight, i'll stick to forgiveness and vomit.

i have always considered myself a forgiving person. i do have a tendency to get mad and react. but once i get it out, i let it go. i forgive and forget. recently, the tables have been turned and i have been lucky enough to have people forgive me. one person, in particular. i have learned that saying "i'm sorry" is one of the hardest things to do, but also one of the most important. and it seems like i have had to offer those two words up a lot lately. and today i truly realized how forgiving my boyfriend is. i am so lucky to have someone who forgives me for my flaws. my outbursts. my moods. my irrational thinking. my impulses. my stubbornness. my hormones. my quirks. my mean streak. my selfishness. my mistakes. my complexities.

i mean, don't get me wrong, i am not always a terror. at least i hope not. but i know that i am not the easiest person to live with or understand. but he sticks with me. he comes after me. he refuses to give up on me. he tries to understand me. and in doing these things, he has taught me that unconditional love is real and it's worth it. it's not easy, but it's worth it. and i have fallen in love with him all over again.

now i will go throw up.

the end.

Stupidity is Contagious

Today I made the mistake of going out in public. Typically I try to avoid social situations, especially on Tuesdays when all the stupid people seem to flock to the streets.

First, suffice it to say that bad drivers should be shot. Maybe it's time to ban cell phones and iPods all together. Or, for the lady who almost side-swiped me, put down your fucking cheeseburger and DRIVE! As she was feeding her face and breaking four traffic laws, I was forced to swerve, honk, and use five swear words in front of my daughter.

Second, the trifecta: Lazy, stupid, obese people. I know I am going to hell for this. I know I am. But I sat and watched some fat ass let a 16-year-old girl load bags of ice into his car at Sonic. No, he was not in the drive-thru. He was sitting at one of the parking spots, which required her to squeeze in between his car and the order board -- on rollerblades -- and put five bags of ice into his back seat. All the while his fat ass sat in the car sucking down a slurpee. Really, dude? You're that big of a glutton? Screw you, buddy.

Third, just stupid people in general. They are out in swarms. From the ugly faces they pull as they shuffle along grocery store aisles or the way they take 5 minutes to fill out a deposit slip at the bank. Get your shit together, people. Case in point: Red Box is a horrible idea for communities like mine. People aren't smart enough to figure it out. Especially housewives on xanax. The sign clearly said, "This Red Box is not accepting returns". Yet two ladies stood there in their mom jeans holding their returns and pulling Aunt Judy faces ... like it was the end of the world. "I guess I better call them." Or maybe just move out of the way for the people who can read. Or just drive down the road two blocks to another Red Box. No, she's going to call them and warn everyone that it's broken. I bet she can't wait to tell her husband. Over pot roast. Burn in hell, lady.

Perhaps the source of my contempt is that I have become a hermit over the last five months. It's hard to explain, really. I know the sun is shining and that I have a lot to be thankful for. I do. I just need to remember to stay home on Tuesdays.

May Cupcakes

May has been sprinkled with every color of candy sugar available.

The stomach flu tore through the house making Chloe deathly ill for 18 hours and then hitting me for about 36 hours. The flu and heartbreak of The Boy moving to Alaska were followed by good things like Mother's Day, eight blissful days in Mexico, seeing The National in San Diego, Chloe successfully completing her first year of Junior High, close friends graduating with master's degrees, and the purchase of several new records. The yucky flavors of candy sprinkles were things like an influx of unexpected bills, a flat tire, falling down the stairs (don't ask), real snow storms in Utah, failed interventions, trying to keep up with work, and intolerable frustration.

I am working on three things: patience, forgiveness, and balance. It sounds easier than it is. There are brief moments when I believe everything is going to work out and then there are moments when I know nothing is going to work out unless I go somewhere far, far away. People add complexity. People in close proximity add dysfunctional complexity. I want to run.

Things I know for sure:

1. I need to move. Soon. If I want to be happy and achieve true balance, moving needs to be my top priority.

2. Typically, people over 50 aren't going to change nor do they want to be forgiven. This is fine until it starts negatively impacting others on a daily basis. The only thing that I can change is to remove myself from the situation. Realizing this and doing it are two different things. The latter being the hardest.

3. I am good at forgiving. Sometimes it just takes space and time. And sometimes I need to forgive not only those who ask, but those who don't.

There is a lot of work to be done here. Too much. A whole new chapter and way of being awaits. I wish there was a set of instructions attached.

i'm the luckiest girl in the world

who says i don't deserve Prada on mother's day?

and who says i can't leave the country for 8 days?

nobody.

that's who.

this vacation couldn't come at a better time.

i am ready. sooooo ready.

goodbye normal life ... please be more awesome when i see you again.

Cinco de Mayo!

Remember last year's Cinco de Mayo? Yea, me neither.

Today I trolled around town looking for my Fantasma but he didn't appear. I thought this year perhaps he would come in the form of a rodent or an ice cube ... but he has not shown up yet. Maybe he is a city ghost. Maybe the country is too remote for even a spirit.

My sister and Brett hosted a pretty awesome Cinco de Mayo party. I made an appearance and enjoyed a fresh, delicious pina colada. I was really impressed with the margarita jello shots, Patron, Corona, Dos Equis, bean dip, kabobs, and other traditional favors. I didn't stay long enough to see the destruction of the pinatas but I can't wait to hear the stories. They even had a cotton candy machine. Awesome!

I am pretty sure Cinco de Mayo is one of my favorite holidays. There is nothing about it that I don't love. Now, I will sleep in hopes that my Fantasma de Phyllis Diller comes to me in my dreams. I sure do miss that creep.

Poison in a pretty glass.

I would like to be on the committee that is publishing the next edition of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Because I don't think the words I need have been invented yet. The reason I say this is because I am sitting here with so many things I need to express but simply cannot come up with anything to write. And it's not a case of writer's block nor is it due to a lack of focus or clarity. I am just at a loss for words.

I'm ... looking ... for ... a ... word ... that ... means ...

I-know-this-sounds-crazy-but-it-really-isn't-I-am-the-sum-of-all-the-moments-of-my-life-and-I-know-what-I-want-and-I-even-know-what-I-need-but-it-may-not-exist-and-yet-neither-did-Maple-Blondie-ice-cream-but-Ben-and-Jerry-created-it-and-it's-absolutely-scrumptious-and-it's-the-sum-of-many-parts-too-so-it's-plausible-that-I-can-create-what-I-want-if-I-find-the-right-combination-of-ingredients-like-the-perfect-martini-and-sometimes-that-means-being-alone-even-if-you-love-everyone-around-you-because-you-need-to-find-the-answers-by-yourself-first-which-shouldn't-be-seen-as-a-negative-because-all-we-have-is-time-and-Thomas-Edison-created-the-light-bulb-but-also-the-record-player-which-to-me-is-more-important-and-he-needed-time-alone-and-to-think-things-through-and-I-am-not-inspired-or-seeking-something-great-nor-do-I-want-to-invent-anything-but-I-am-extremely-frustrated-and-unhappy-and-so-perhaps-I-don't-need-to-find-a-combination-that-I-can-unlock-but-instead-maybe-I-need-the-person-that-has-the-key-to-my-lock-to-find-me.

I vividly remember the morning I woke up and realized that my parents weren't omniscient. And from that moment my life changed. Part of me was sad and part of me was relieved. From that day on, I began writing my own history and learning things for myself -- and usually the hard way. But it was better than just thinking something was true because "they" said so. The same kind of enlightenment happened when my parents got divorced after 25 years of marriage. It changed every idea I had about marriage, relationships, and family. And now, after being divorced myself for eleven years and having a pretty unsuccessful relationship history, I am trying to figure out the amalgam for my happiness.

What if I stop looking for the qualities I want in a partner and start looking for the qualities someone needs to love me? Most relationship experts say to make a list of characteristics your ideal soul mate would have. Maybe that's where we go wrong. Maybe our lists should contain characteristics our ideal soul mate must have to live with us. I mean, if you're going to live on a beach, you don't need a heavy coat and snow shoes. You need a swimsuit, some sunscreen, and a hammock. If you're going to live with me, you don't need a fast car. You should pack your sense of humor, patience, and a blow-up mattress.

Case in point: If you ask all of your friends, ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends, and family members if you are easy to get along with, the answers are likely all over the map. Not because you act differently around each person but because of their personalities and characteristics.

For example, I get along with people who are patient. I get on fabulously with people who have experienced both sides of patience and have mastered it; genuinely patient in the sense that they understand I am not deliberately trying to upset them when I do inconsiderate things. Meaning, I am aggravating to a flaw. I am always late, I am indecisive, I need space, I like to be alone, I am stubborn, I obsess over things, I blow up sometimes, I change my mind. But I have good qualities, too. Those who are patient - truly patient - let the flaws go and don't hold them over my head later. It happens, it's forgotten, and we move on. There is no drama, there is no fight, there is no argument.

Sure, I'd rather list "stunningly handsome" on my wish list, but "patience" is probably a better ingredient. So after I write Dr. Phil a letter and tell him about my groundbreaking new therapy, I am starting a list ... not a list of qualities I am looking for, but a list of qualities that someone looking for me should have.

The best news of all ... I have plenty of time to craft the perfect list. The way I see it, I have quite a while before I will be ready for any kind of a relationship.

intervention

it's never fun when you are involved in an intervention; especially when you are the person the intervention is focused on. and that's exactly what happened to me last weekend.

i am not proud of it but part of my recovery is talking about it.

my big sister was in town and she, along with my other two sisters, convinced me that a change was needed. they were right.

after two days i caved to their demands and ... waxed my arm pits. it had gotten out of control. i just didn't realize it (or care). and i have to admit, i feel better. i even had my eyebrows waxed to prove my commitment to change. and, well i have to say it, i have a Brazilian scheduled next week. it is summer after all.

there. it's allll out on the table now. i know i have a long road ahead of me but i have a great support team. step two of the program is re-inserting myself into society. baby steps.

celebrating our gramps

happy birthday, handsome.

we miss you more than words can express.

Some people don't know when to stop.

I thought once I got out of junior high school I wouldn't have to worry about immature people trying to make me miserable. But, alas, I have been proven wrong ... and at the age of 35. I guess some people just don't know when to stop. Resorting to "exposing" my private life on my blog is really the last straw. Advertising something very important and intimate to me that I would like to keep private is the way this "someone" is trying to hurt me. Very immature. And even surprising. The only way I can stop his self destructive behavior is by deleting this blog.

My questions to you, perpetrator:

Have you thought about the consequences of your actions? Or why I might want to keep some things private? Do you know how many aspects of my life this could impact? Have you considered that I have close friends and even family members that I would like to talk to? In your reckless quest to hurt me, have you considered how many other people you are hurting? Of course not. You only know how to think about one person: yourself.

It makes me sad that you would stoop to such levels, especially considering the seriousness and importance of the situation. The only positive thing to come from this is that I found out sooner than later what kind of person you truly are. Your heart is not in the right place. And I don't know where your mind is. You really should try exercising some kind of discretion.

A man has no more character than he can command in a time of crisis.
-- Ralph W. Sockman

Me? Boring? Yes. Perhaps.

I am NOT boring. Maybe. Most of the time?

Shit.

I think I might be boring! What does this mean?

Ten reasons I fear this to be true:

1. I look forward to watching Brian Mullahy on the weekend news.

2. I was sober at the Spoon concert and 3. was incredibly annoyed by how drunk people were around me.

4. I get aggravated when people bump into me.

5. Most of my status updates are about food.

6. I only have four things on my bucket list.

7. I replaced my bright pink fingernail polish with "Sheer Ivory".

8. My idea of a good time is a good night's sleep.

9. Friday night's highlight was Crown Burger.

10. I watched Minute to Win It. Again.

I wish I could drink a gallon of paint or visit an exotic island where they say everything backwards. I think I need a change of scenery. I mean, people used to despise me. They used to hope I didn't open my mouth and voice my opinion. Some people called me "creative" and "exciting." I used to have a hard time keeping up with myself. I never cared that the batteries were dead in the TV remote. Now I would rather stay quiet to make time pass quickly. I ignore people rather than have a confrontation. My clothes don't match and I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs. Is there no happy medium?

Boring. Lacklustery. Humphf. How disappointing.

Lost in Free Translation

My sleep forecast is predicting little or no chance of slumber tonight so I thought I would share one of my favorite pastimes: free online translation! It takes everyday conversations and turns them into super-fun-laughing times.

Ahem, for example.

English: I have heartburn and think celebrities are creepy.

freetranslation.com to Spanish: Tengo acidez y pienso que las celebridades son escalofriantes.

freetranslation.com back to English: I have acidity and think that the fame is horrifying.

I know. It gets better with longer messages.

Real email: I had a weird dream last night. I was being arrested for attempted murder and had to surrender to a SWAT team. I was devastated because I had just had a baby girl and didn't know how I would smuggle her into prison. In the last 24 hours before my incarceration, we had a big party and celebrated the next 25 years of birthdays that I would miss. I wore a big hat.

freetranslation.com to Spanish: Tuve un sueño raro anoche. Fui detenido para el asesinato procurado y tenido que rendir a un equipo del GOLPE REPENTINO. Fui devastado porque acabo de tener una nena y no supe cómo yo la pasaría de contrabando en la prisión. En las últimas 24 horas antes de mi encarcelación, nosotros tuvimos un partido grande y celebramos los próximos 25 años de los cumpleaños que perdería. Llevé un sombrero grande.

freetranslation.com to English: I had a rare dream last night. I was person under arrest for the murder tried and had that to yield to a team of the SUDDEN BLOW. I was devastated because I have just had a nena and I did not I know how would pass it from contraband in the prison. In the last 24 hours before my imprisonment, we had a large party and we celebrate the next 25 years of the birthday that would lose. I carried a large hat.

It's kind of like my own version of Mad Libs ...

Not to change the subject but, do people really like Erykah Badu?

This love runs deep.

Just when you thought you loved The National more than life, you learn to love them more.

How?

First things first: Matt Berninger is sporting a golden beard that puts all other beards to shame. It's undeniably mysterious and magnificent. What? It is. Shave your faces, men ... you cannot compete with this.


Second: High Violet dropping May 11.

The just released High Violet track list:

01 Terrible Love
02 Sorrow
03 Anyone’s Ghost
04 Little Faith
05 Afraid of Everyone
06 Bloodbuzz Ohio
07 Lemonworld
08 Runaway
09 Conversation 16
10 England
11 Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks

You can pop over to Stereogum and piece together the new album here.*

And finally: touring, touring, touring. It's hard to truly LOVE a band if you can't see them live. The National is gracing the West Coast with a few shows -- if you can find one that is not sold out.

This love runs deep. Real deep.


___________
* While you are there, get a sneak peak of The Hold Steady's new album and watch a video of Spoon covering Wolf Parade's "Modern World." And then be VERY, VERY jealous that I am going to see Spoon and Deerhunter in Salt Lake City tonight.

Insomnia Undone

I am not 100% sure if this is the cure all for insomnia ... but it's a start.

Three words: memory foam mattress.

It'll change your life. If you have a great bed, buy a topper. It is amazing.

If you still are miserable, I recommend a fan. I picked up a jumbo fan at the walmarts to get the air circulating and it's great. Plus the loud humming covers up downstair noises. Double bonus!

Here are a few other things I know to be true:

1. Warm milk really does help - even if it's chocolate milk.

2. Loud music forces your mind to stop thinking.

3. Opening a window is helpful ... unless it's snowing.

4. 350+ thread counts go a long way.

5. Sleeping alone can sometimes be the best thing for insomnia.

Nothing earth shattering today, but. there. you. have. it.

Things I Can Do

I live in a crappin' old house. And since I have a hard time stomaching the sight of my mother eating plastic and singing to imaginary animals, I find stuff to do. Most recently, I learned how to tile. I went to Home Depot and bought some stuff and just did it. My shower had started to flood the bathroom anytime anyone other than I showered. So to avoid user error and clean up potentially hazardous mildew, here is what I did:

1. Remove old, black, poisonous, termite-filled tile and wood:


2. Put in new wood and mortar:


3. Apply new tile:


4. Apply grout (color: Haystack):



5. Clean tile and apply grout sealant:


6. Allow to cure for 48 hours before using shower:


Done! Before and after:

Next project: Build an office.

Paper Thin Walls

Guess what time of the month it is?

That's right! Time for "Annoying Things That Make Me Physically Sick"!

And ... go!

1. Time for my mom to get her prescriptions refilled. This means two days of her binging and zombie-like antics. This includes each of her eyes going different directions when you talk to her (creepy). Bonus annoying side effects: extremely loud snoring/sleep whistling that I can hear, even now, through the walls; watching her have hallucinations of flying babies and visiting relatives; more rotting of her insides.

2. Time for someone I love to break my heart.

3. Time for SNOW in the month of April. Seriously? God has a sick, sick sense of humor.

4. Time for me to miss my grandpa so much that it hurts.

5. Time for life changes that I don't know if I am ready for. Terrifying, exciting, and life-changing. Just when I thought I was reaching a point of peace in my life, I realize I still have so much more to learn.

6. Time to move. Time to change. Time to grow. Time to hurt. Time to be strong. Time to sleep.

Some Things I Love

In no particular order...

Lunch with old friends

Soda pop

Pinky

Tattoos















Babysitting sleepytime babies

Sunshine

Coffee

Keebler's new Cheesecake Middles



















Champagne and red wine

Stella and Jameson

Vinyl

This lady:

Mexico

The smell of old books

McDonald's

Gameday Babies

Yea, so obviously ... I am very lucky.

t r u s t

trust /trʌst/ Show Spelled[truhst]
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.

No where in the definition of trust does it explain how to earn it or how fragile it is. Maybe it's because it is an inherent practice we learn over time. That we continually surround ourselves with people we can trust, and we learn from experiences when people demonstrate who we shouldn't trust. Because let's face it, nothing is more hurtful than the moment you realize someone you trusted betrayed you.

I read a brave blog entry about detaching ourselves from relationships that may be expired. And it made me think about the law of attraction. Maybe we attract certain types of people in our lives so we can learn. And we continue to attract these same relationships until we make the decision to consciously reject a certain type of behavior. At what point do we stop giving and start looking out for ourselves? And when do we totally learn to trust ourselves enough to be brave?

The hardest part about "friendship euthanasia" is that usually the person who ultimately has to end the relationship is the person that cares the most and is hurt the most. Because no matter how much trust you have in someone, and no matter how much you hope for someone, the "someone" in the equation determines the outcome.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they are right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

— Marilyn Monroe

I believe that, too. All of it. Thanks for sharing, Karma.

Madness

I love March Madness. More than I love ... coffee. And that's a lot.

I missed half of the games today but I am not ashamed to say that my ticket to Vampire Weekend inadvertently went unused because the allure of madness was so strong. Nor am I ashamed to say that I plan on staying in bed until at least 1pm tomorrow watching games.

It is a simple kind of love. One that might be tested by a few bracket busters, but one that ultimately stakes claim on my heart for all time and eternity.

saving daylight

I really don't like daylight saving time. Especially when I have incurable insomnia. It really adds extra yucky-ness to the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I have read a million different articles on insomnia (okay, maybe fifty). Is it better to lie in bed and force yourself to meditate? Is it more stressful to toss and turn and worry about not sleeping? Should I get up and work? Or read? Or write? Should I watch television or listen to music? Many schools of thought exist on the topic; some say to stick it out in the dark while others say to get up and be productive. The truth is, there is no simple cure for insomnia. It's annoying and, well, just really annoying.

I am a good sleeper, too. I love to sleep. Sleeping is the best! So it doesn't really make sense that I am struck with sleepless nights. I worry too much. I don't worry enough. There is still so much to think about. I have two interviews on Tuesday. I don't have any clean clothes. CJ is not feeling good. I overreacted. I am sick. I am tired. I am a perpetual glutton for punishment. I have a huge zit on my chin. My skin is becoming transparent because, despite our best efforts, we could not locate the sun this weekend. I have been a jerk. I drove for a long time today. I couldn't sleep last night. Or the night before. I need new tires. I need to get the oil changed in my car. I am hungry.

Last night, when I finally drifted off around 3AM, I had a nightmare. I must not have been very sound asleep because it woke me up really abruptly. I was in a complete panic when I woke and could not fall back to sleep. In my dream, there were people trying to attack me and they were disguising themselves as demonic sheep. Considering I live on a farm and listen to sheep all day and night, this is terribly haunting. My point: nightmares do not help insomnia. An underlying, non-related point: sheep are scary in real life.

I have placed towels and sweatshirts at the bottom of both doors to the bedroom. The reason I did this was because my mom came to visit a few weeks ago and hasn't left. If that's not enough to make you sick, I'll tell you what is. Her butt. She smells like my 35th birthday felt: rotten. Her gas permeates the house, literally. It is not an exaggeration to say that it seeps through every crack and vent and pore throughout. the. entire. effing. house. It just might be the most disgusting thing in the world. (Apparently I use that expression a lot? I had no idea.) I digress. I wish she was as put off by it as others. Not only is it repulsive, it is a pretty clear indication that she is destroying her insides. It is also really rude if you ask me.

I give myself until March 20th before I have a complete nervous breakdown.

Just breathe.

I have been reminding myself to breathe, just breathe, for the last few weeks. I didn't really notice I was doing it until I stopped remembering to remind myself - at which point I found myself whirling in frequent dizzy spells or sitting down to catch my breath.

Stop.

Just.

Breathe.

Where is all the oxygen going? Why are my lungs failing me? Open up that rib cage and breathe!

Life is definitely (maybe) telling me to slow down and push pause (probably). My dusty airways are craving the fresh, crisp air of Spring. Blue skies and late sunsets can't come soon enough for me. I dream of walking barefoot on warm sidewalks, driving with the windows down, and tasting salty, sweaty lips. The grayness of winter has already overstayed its welcome. And how.

Soon.

Until.

Then.

Breathe.

Just.

Breathe.

amici: capitolo un

i have a friend named Lancaster aka Melanie. she is smart. she lives on the coast. she sends me awesome things like this. (i totally made out with him once ... when he was a Chippendale.) she enjoys sunsets and fine cuisine. we are intellects and discuss important things over brie and wine.

i have a friend named Nate-Dogg-Momlinson. it was his birthday yesterday. i missed his birthday party and it made me really sad. i am going to make it up to him, though. because he is one of my best friends. he is super cool and owns a recording studio.

i have a friend named Remy. he is the sweetest friend in the entire world. he is by far the best host and one of the funniest people i know. my hell, he is funny. and he's going to be an architect. he is one of my best friends, too.

i have friends named Wes and Pow. they procreated and they did really great. Wes has been my friend for 17 years. he plays in a great band, Tough Tittie. Pow is a knock out. like BOOM!

i have a friend named Gina. i don't see her enough ... or at all. i miss her. i love her. we have been best friends through A LOT of stuff. from trips to Hong Kong to crying on each others' shoulders. i am going to kidnap her i think.

i have a friend named Mikele. we have sleepovers with our puppies and laugh a lot. she does my hair too. she makes me feel gorgeous when my roots are two to three inches grown out.

i have a friend named Karma. i feel like we are kindred spirits. i bet i meet her one day. i hope i meet her one day. scratch that. i WILL meet her one day.

i have a friend named Brooks. he is really popular and busy, which is why he makes me feel extra special by doing super nice things just for me. he took me out for a margarita on my birthday. i almost cry sometimes because i love him so much.

i have a friend named Kelly. i would kick any one's ass for her. i would also hug her until all her tears stopped and she turned back into one of the toughest girls i know. her heart is huge. really.

i have a friend named Bethie. we will probably grow old together in palm springs or somewhere and fight over who has the cutest nieces and nephews. we'll wear hats and sunglasses and drive Buick's. (yes, Lancaster, you are already in.)

i have a friend named Dainon. he moved to Florida. i bet he turns into an alligator. or at least grows long yellow fingernails. i secretly hope he finds a sugar momma who makes him wax his chest and clean out the pool ... but he gets paid millions of dollars to do so, which he spends on the love of his life: music.

i have a friend named Shannon. we don't see each other much these days, but she has impacted my life in a very profound way. she was there for me during some of the hardest times of my life. it's not possible for me to love her any more. the best thing about Shan ... she accepts you and doesn't judge you. at all. that's very rare.

i have a friend named Whisper. she's going to be a mommy. she is exactly what i envision my CJ will grow up like. and that's a good thing. i hope Whisper has a little girl that she names Sparrow or Bear. a little darling baby girl who is stronger than diamonds. a little blondie firecracker.

i have a friend named Ally. she is super smart (and startling young for her intelligence and accomplishments). she's going to get her master's degree this year. and she's funny. she flash-dances under vents in Wendover like you ain't neva seen!

i have a friend named JPW. he has a memory as sharp as a tack. he makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. he lives in a haunted mansion with secret blue rooms. one day he'll come visit me in utah. i'll make him eat my grandma's food. he has a butler/housekeeper that i used to date (Eddie Vedder). i know, awkward, right?

i have a friend named Jodi. we met in kindergarten. she used to make me laugh so hard that i would have to take a time out. we shared all our secrets, good or bad, and we were best friends. and still are. she's too far away and i miss her all the time. we used to love sneaking out of her house and drinking wine coolers in high school. she had the sweetest car ever too.

i have a friend named Nicholas. he makes grandpa jokes (i.e. you're going to run to salt lake? that's a long way to run.), he tells me he loves me, he makes me happy and then he makes me pizza at 3am. no shit. he's really smart and he is going to be super successful ... but most importantly -- smart, sexy, and successful aside -- he is resilient, sweet, strong, and loves me no matter what (i think). he is also locked in my attic. i think he looks like a young Bob Dylan.

... to be continued ... l'elenco continuerà ...

you don't have to hang with crazy...

a long, long time ago i was going through a very difficult, heartbreaking time. it seems like a dream. i was a zombie going through the motions of something i would never do.

i asked a lady named Mary if she would give me something like valium because i had to go home and deal with a crazy family.

she said no. and then she stopped, turned around and said, "you don't have to hang with crazy, you can walk away from crazy."

at the time, her advice made sense and was even humorous. and i survived the next few days without medication or therapy. and the ebb and flow of crazy continues even to this day. and while i am really, really discouraged and quite defeated, i don't know that i agree with Mary. only cowards walk away. i do have to hang with crazy. i have a grandma that is so sick she is sitting here moaning and whimpering. she won't answer me. she won't talk. she may be crazy. she will only shake her head and whimper. but i can't walk away.

i want to give up. i want to run. i am exhausted. i feel alone. i feel like people use me for what they need. i feel like people are lying to me. i know people are lying to me. i feel like people prey on my kindness. my gut tells me that something is not ok. but i won't be no runaway. cause i don't want to run. what makes you think i enjoy being led to the flood? we got another thing coming undone. that's taking us over.

that's taking us forever.

i might blame this discontent, uncertainty, and hesitation on the extra cold weather. i'm so over it. i want to blame it on selfish people. i don't like seeing people in pain, emotionally or physically. i don't like people who are completely consumed with themselves. i don't like liars. i hate being lied to.

*paragraph omitted*

but there's no saving anything. so i won't be a runaway. cause i won't run.

The Teenager

i got the following text from The Teenager this evening. when we were laying in bed, i asked her where she found it and she casually said, "i just wrote it."

i love the things you say to me, but i can also hate them too.
i love the way you act around me, and i love the way i act around you.
i love your smile, and also your heart... but i hate the way i act whenever we're apart.
you've always got me waiting, but i'm used to it by now,
all my friends think i'm crazy, they they ask me why and how.
i can't live without you, i know you can't live without me too,
so please promise no more silent long days and love me forever,
forever and always.

her heart is gigantic. her talents are endless. her beauty is stunning. i can guess who she wrote it for, but it doesn't matter. it made my year that she shared it with me. my sweet angel.

photo courtesy of Justin Hackworth Photography.

my guardian was lost today

over the last three years, not one day has gone by that i haven't missed my gramps. he came and visited my grandma last night ... but i haven't seen him for a while. sometimes i dream about him. i think he is happy because the sun was shining today. i wish he was here. i wish i could see him smile. i miss watching the Jazz games with him. i even miss him fighting with my grandma. they yelled at each other constantly but i don't know two people that loved each other more.

sugar boyfriend!

prepare to be jealous. very, very, very jealous.

see this?

not impressed? guess whose sugary sweet boyfriend got her tickets to the San Diego show at the historical Spreckels Theatre?

mine! mine! mine!

birthday wishes do come true.

The National! The National! The National!

the tickets are down my pants right now.

sugary sweet birthday

Today is my birthday. One the best things about being born on February 7th is that the Super Bowl falls on your birthday about every five years. This year is one of those years. Sure I'd love to be in Miami watching the game, but sitting in my pajamas and being with my daughter is heaven to me. I can't wait for the game and I am equally excited to see The Who perform at halftime. Pretty sweet birthday.

When I blow out my invisible candles today, I'll simply wish for The National to keep making music. It speaks to my soul. Especially today. I can't explain it. So I'll leave it at that.

And this:

How a person begins to rot.

It is Saturday morning and it is raining outside. I woke up around 7:30 am with a headache and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I don't mind the headache, though. I haven't had a hangover for a long time and the pain was a pleasant reminder of last night: a much needed girls night with two of my sisters and several girlfriends.

I tried to wake up Nick and explain to him that today is the last day I can check the younger-ish box on forms like this:

After tomorrow, I am officially in the 35-49 range! He said that some forms list 25-39. Either way, I am having a little bit of anxiety about turning 35. I was down with 30. But this one, it hurts a little. Most people wouldn't guess I am 35 but I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. When their jaws drop and they slowly mouth "thirty-five" I don't know if I should be like, 'hell yea 35 never looked so good!' or 'hell yea I am really that fucking old.' Anyway, I'm going to go fill out a bunch of forms today just because I can. Let the rotting begin!

How A Person Begins To Rot

by Carly

The Beginning

I have been rotting lately and I mean that literally. For the last few days I thought I had the flu. My body temp was around 93 degrees, I was going into shock, I went in and out of semi-comas ... it just kept getting worse. I was confused and kind of crazy. Okay, really crazy. And really depressed and frustrated because I had just recovered from a case of the 10-day flu. Odd.

Anyway, no flu. I was hours away from renal failure and inevitable death. (And before anyone freaks out, please know I am perfectly healthy and the rotting has been reversed, removed, stopped, resolved, whatever.) It was a traumatic experience, and I mean traumatic. I now know what a decomposing body smells like. Rot. The rancid smell still lingers in the house today, reminding me that at 35 years old, a person begins to rot. Now I know the affects an atrophic body has on the brain. The whole experience gave me a new outlook on life. Perhaps it explains why I have been so mean and rotten lately. (Coincidentally, it also explains why old people are so mean.)

Symptons

I glanced at a few articles and 35 is the factual age when the rotting process begins. Here are some things I learned from my research:

> After age 35, women lose up to 1 percent of their bone mass each year (rotting bones).

> Getting pregnant after age 35 is risky (because of your rotting ovaries).

> At 35 your skin stops regenerating cells. (and I assume starts rotting?)

> PH balances in women over 35 change and they start looking old immediately.

> 35 year old women will start to gain weight, rapidly.

> At age 35, women start to notice pigment changes of moles.

> Around 35 women will notice pre-menopause symptoms.

> Night sweats in elderly women are common.

It's all there. Clinical studies have shown it. Sweet mother Mary of Jesus.

Coping with the Rot

Please don't tell me to be optimistic; let me get it out. I don't need any opposing points of view on this one. It's a crisis. It's inevitable. We're all going to rot. Today I am still youthful and attractive ... tomorrow, well, my driver license won't be the only thing expired.

Now. The upside. Once the putrefaction stopped inside my body, I started to feel better emotionally and had a much clearer perspective. I realized that I have been rotten in nature--to my family, the poor people at Wells Fargo, people on TV, animals, pretty much anyone I came into contact with. I have even been extremely cantankerous to my boyfriend, whose rotting guts I love. So, duly noted. I mean, Sharon has always been a little rowdy but I do feel bad about my family and boyfriend.

Lastly, I would like to tell you how a person can reverse the rotting process or at least make it somewhat tolerable. While I was in bed, my body internally decaying, Nick came home and brought me a plastic bag with three things in it: Junior Mints, a Coke, and a used copy of Don Quixote. I am not sure that in my organs-shutting-down state I let him know how in love I was with his gift and him. It was thoughtful, adorable, perfect, sweet, subtle, considerate and meant so much to me. Don Quixote. Awesome. He just knew.

You can also either slow down or speed up the rotting process with alcohol. Depending on how much you drink, what you drink, how often, etc. I find that it kills bacteria so I am going to ignore the articles about the speeding up part.

The End

So that is the long version of how a person begins to rot. Now I have to go take care of my grandma, who I think is very rotten (inside, no offense) and may be dying. She's very ill.

Dedicated to my Jakovasaur

So sentimental

Not sentimental no !

Romantic not disgusting yet...

So you saved the world? Big deal.

i had a dream the other night that i saved the world. it went like this:

those still alive on the planet knew that destruction was near so all survivors gathered around for a pearl jam concert as the anticipated flames of the fire (that was destroying the earth) encroached towards us.

i, unwilling to accept eradication of the world, used my powers to turn the fire into a huge tarp of some kind and threw it down on the other side of the mountain. it wasn't even that hard. i told the news stations my name was jill so they wouldn't harass me and ran back to the concert. i think i was unwilling to accept the end of pearl jam more than life. as a reward, eddie called "jill" up on stage. i had dreamed about this day for so long! i was standing next to him, studying every line in his face and watching his hair occasionally catch a piece of ash, when i realized that the band didn't care about me. they didn't give a shit that i had saved the world.

eddie vedder acted like i was just another fan that had some kind of disease or special talent. she's fighting cancer or can sing 'Alive' in three languages. alright jill! in fact, the most memorable part was eddie and jeff yelling at me each time i spoke into the mic because i forgot to "push the button!" god, jill is stupid.

after i was ushered off the stage, i felt almost embarrassed.

it reminded me of my childhood and being embarrassed to tell people when i did something good. like when i wrote a book or won a contest. i don't know if it's because i thought people would make fun of me, or if it was simply because i was a huge nerd. (no, seriously, i was still playing "private detectives" and "office workers" when i was in high school.)

and now as i watch my daughter go to Junior High and get embarrassed over EVERYTHING, it breaks my heart. by thirteen, our dreams and fantasies and hopes become unrealistic and we settle for mediocrity because we don't look like the airbrushed people driving around Beverly Hills. why? if we believed in ourselves like my 6-year-old niece believes in herself, we'd be something amazing. but who is going to stand up and yell "I am the most beautiful girl in all the land!!!!" at 34? or even 18? no one. because people would laugh.

it is discouraging. and i'll be the first to admit that i often repress more than self-confidence. sometimes i squash out good ideas, gut feelings, all emotion, or feelings of happiness. it's been a rough year. the future feels bleak. can we change it? i just want to be happy. i just want to smile. i don't want to carry a bag around of bad memories, fights, resentment, and shitty experiences. i crave just simple happiness, that's all. even if it means having a mullet, not being cool, and making home movies all day. because those were the happiest days of my life.

I found extreme joy in this...

It's Sunday. I went to bed last night at... 8pm, I think. Nevertheless I woke up at 3am and was completely cranky. As the sun rose and the coffee brewed, I started taking care of business. Apparently, people DO work on Sundays (outside of Utah). I would like to give big props for those dedicated people.

First on my list was Wells Fargo ... this has been an ongoing issue since the end of December. To make a long story short, after getting NO help at a branch location, I decided to email the corporate office yesterday. This morning I awoke to a reply from the aforementioned email requesting a credit of $70 (2 overdraft fees) on my account. There were three unauthorized charges of $170 each within 6 days from my daughter's orthodontist. (Three charges in 6 days!) I had no idea. I had gone to Del Taco on one of the days so I got charged $35 for my $6 meal. Anywho, I had visited the Hell branch and per their suggestion called Whitney in D##### (my "home" branch). The home branch is the location you open your account in and has the authority to both reverse overdrawn fees and transfer your account to another location. When she was no help at ALL, I sent this to Wells Fargo (keep in mind, I had a limit on letters so it's broken up:

To Whom It May Concern:

My home branch is in D#####;I live in M#######.I asked Whitney (in Draper - oops) 2 things: Please allow a courtesy reverse on the last two overdraft fees on 1/22 of $35.00 ea.I have been with WF for almost a year. The ONLY reason the NSFs occurred was because of THREE discrepancies and UNAUTHORIZED charges by my orthodontist. TWO charges of $120 were charged on 12/30 and another $120 was charged on 1/6. This is the worst customer service I have ever experienced...I have NEVER requested a reversal with WF. In fact, I have referred several people to WF. Secondly, I requested my acct to be moved to the Springville branch. It's much easier for me to bank there. The Hell Branch was unable to help me without Draper's permission on both issues. Whitney didn't seem to care or give me a direct answer as to why she wouldn't do either. Either way, my account will be closed by the end of the week.

Original Message Follows: ------------------------
Dear Lady #######:

We are sorry that the service you received did not meet your expectations. We constantly strive to provide you with the highest level of customer service. I have forwarded the details of your experience to the appropriate management team.

When you move, there is no need to transfer your account from one branch to another. Since your account information is available at all of our branch locations, there is no "home branch" for your account. We want you to feel welcome at all of our branches. Please feel free to use any Wells Fargo location as your personal branch. (EXACTLY what Whitney said, almost verbatim.)

We have reviewed your request to reverse the overdraft fees assessed to your account. Our review indicates the fees were correctly applied and they will not be waived via email.

Blah blah blah....

-------

My response (not altered in anyway):

Original Message Follows: ------------------------

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I want a personal banker who is close to me, i.e. Hell. I know that I don't have to change branches but I liked the personal service I received in Hell.

Thanks for the same canned answer you have so well trained your employees to say.

I hope you have a fanfuckingtastic day.

-----------
Second up: TMOBILE. This is when I apparently turned in Sharon from the South. I tried to get online support four times, and was told that all online agents were busy and I was number 8 in the queue. So I decided to change my help request from an existing customer to a new customer in the little "What Can We Help You With?" box.

Again, not altered (except for my social security number):

me: why do non t-mobile customers get priority over existing t-Mobile customers, particularly t-Mobile customers of 12 years? I don't think this is fair!
You have been connected to _Kristen P.
me: that's not my real question.i would like to know if i can pay my bill in full on monday (tomorrow) as the bank is closed today and i can't deposit my check.
_Kristen P: I would be happy to look into that for you today.
_Kristen P: I know how important it is for you to stay on top of your billing, lady.
me: i understand marketing and i know that that is how you do business and i also know it's not your fault--'the whole take new customers first. anyway, i am grumpy this morning.
_Kristen P: No problem.
me: yea, since this whole "gone green" thing, i get confused when my bills are due. and then, next thing you know, it's already a month later!
_Kristen P: I can definitely understand that.
me: i am late on my period too.
me: damn things, i wish they would come as quickly as these damn t-mobile bills. LOL.
_Kristen P: I am just looking over your account right now, Lady.
_Kristen P: Can you please verify the last four digits of your SSN?
me: 1111
_Kristen P: Thank you for that information.
_Kristen P: I do show that there is a past due balance on your account, but it does not show that it has been suspended or anything like that.
_Kristen P: I can leave a note on the account that you will be making that payment tomorrow, if you like.
me: that would be great! i hate those reconnection fees. i will definitely take care of it. thank you SO MUCH!
_Kristen P: I also wanted to let you know that I looked over your account and I see that you are on a plan with 700 shared minutes. It looks like the plan that you are on is working out well for your needs at this time.
me: i am writing you a letter of recommendation; you are smarter than everyone at WellsFargo, HP Computers, and my orthodontist's office.
_Kristen P: Thank you for that. That is very nice of you.
me: yes, thank you. there was an overage with my coworkers last month--they thought it would be smooth to call both my work AND personal phone (they aren't smart) but otherwise, we have a good plan.
me: oh, two last things:
me: 1. who is your supervisor and where should i send your letter of recommendation?
me: 2. do you think it's a boy or a girl?
_Kristen P: I think that there is a survey at the end of your chat that you can fill out for me.
me: thank you! i'll wait until august i guess :)
_Kristen P: You are very welcome.
_Kristen P: I hope you have a great day.
me: you too!
_Kristen P: Thank you.
_Kristen P: Thank you for contacting T-Mobile Chat, and thanks for being part of our family.

Needless to say, there was no survey at the end of the Chat. Don't worry, I wrote down the specific time, date, etc. so I can write her a sincere letter. Also of critical note: I am NOT late. I am actually on my period. Let me repeat that: NO MISSED PERIOD.

I also want to give you an update on the Wells Fargo issue. I just got a message from the only person with a brain in the company (a woman) and she had a brilliant idea. File the three charges to be investigated and stop all further withdrawals from the orthodontist who I plan to chastise for:

1. The aforementioned charges that ruined my life. Hey! I'm unemployed! That's a lot of money! $360 in 6 days!

2. A letter the editor. We live in a small town and I bet I could start a commotion. I bet some lady would even say he grabbed her boob.

2. His stupid 4th of July fireworks. (He got licensed to let them off himself.)

3. His daughter wore the same dress as my daughter to the Christmas dance. (Dude, you're a billionaire, you HAVE to shop at Macy's?)

Anyway, I woke up feeling like shit and now I feel so much better. This brings up the question ... does this make me an asshole? Answer: YES!

It's a new dawn, it's a new day ...

As Karma so sweetly pointed out, I did indeed change my blog design and photos for 2010. I decided that there is no better time than the New Year to make such changes. I am surprised how fast a year goes by. So ... good bye to the previous look and feel of Just Try One Bite:

And good bye to 2009 ... I can't say that I'll miss ya.

Public Service Announcements

You read it right. It is not a spelling error. It is plural.

I have several announcements to make and I would like to list them as the consummate professional I am. As such, I am volunteering my time and energy to sponsor--to publish these very important public announcements.

Public Service Announcement One:

I have found the remedy for the 10-day flu/illness/swine flu/sickness from hell. It is Stella.

Tested, double-blind placebo, done.

Note: I don't know the chemistry, I don't care. For all you naysayers, the lager either drowns the fluttering bird or coats the stomach lining. Maybe it numbs the pain. All I know is that it provides sweet relief. Those Belgiums really nailed it. Again. Neanderthals? Hardly!

Public Service Announcement Two:

Please note, this announcement is ONLY for single, chaste people over the age of 30.

Now is no time to abstain. Copulation is REALLY good. Like, THE BEST.

Note: You're not getting any younger and shooting up heroin is still illegal. And what if...what if, there is no celestial kingdom?

Public Service Announcement Three:

Today is Friday, January 15. I have made only good decisions today:

1. I verbally declared: "I will never work another day in my life."

2. I wrote on the wall above my bed: "I will read Don Quixote."

3. I made the decision that I must do something that is going to be very difficult. Now.

Note: Only number three will actually happen.

Public Service Announcement Four:

Skinny Jeans on Guys: Fashion or Fate?

Remember the controversy surrounding male bikers who couldn't knock up their wives? Excessive biking caused impotence and a low sperm count. Yea, in summary, pressure from the bike seat on the area surrounding the scrotum was the culprit. Too tight. Toight as a tiger. Just like the painted-on jeans that all the hipsters are wearing. T i g h t. So leave the boys in skinny jeans alone. Artificial Selection is often unintentional. Natural Selection is unavoidable.

Note: I would be very depressed if my boyfriend wore smaller jeans than me. I would secretly try to squeeze into them and cry. And then I would tell him, "It's not you ... it's your genes--I mean jeans!"

Public Service Announcement Five:

I had a pang of missing the friends I used to work with at the frankfurter food processing plant. For example, Erin, whose eyes reveal what she is thinking in less than two seconds but her dry wit remains unsurpassed. And Jocey (who lets me call her Jocey even though no one else does) who demands respect by her wardrobe alone, who is ambitious, smart, honest, persistent, and totally unappreciated. And Courtney and Amber with their humor and sarcasm and the legendary soy latte that saved my life. I miss other people too. Actually, not really.

Note: I don't want to be a man. Ever. Being a woman in the workforce may be demeaning, but being a man is even worse. Grown men giving other grown men blow jobs is much more pathetic than never being promoted to upper management.

That is all.

enormous changes at the last minute

sometimes i complain. i am trying not to but god dammit, i am only human.

i don't have any complaints at the moment. but i am a contradiction expert of sorts.

for example, i'll say 'no' when i mean 'yes'. i will smile when i am not happy. i'll pretend to be listening but i am not, usually. or i'll say i don't complain when it's a well known fact that all i do is complain. and i have also been referred to as dramatic. i disagree but i am amicable with my critics.

it's no secret that i have issues that reach far into the universe that my mortal body will eventually have to face but will avoid in my next life ... by choosing to be a plant or a really smart dog.

anyway, the really, really, really abstract point is ... i love birds. i do. they bring messages. they bring comfort. they sing. they are adorable. and on and on. maybe i'll write a tremendously boring blog about birds one day. i digress, i usually can interpret their messages. but i have a small problem... there is bird in my belly right now that i can't understand. and it is making me sick. it's convincing me that i have a brain tumor, the swine flu, an infected ulcer, or any other illness that makes you super sick and ornery. throwing up, headaches, stomach ache, the usual cold/flu symptoms, oh, and being a jerk to your boyfriend. the bird flutters and says that i should run. really, really, really fast somewhere and hide. or fly. i am, after all, a pajarito myself. i am accustomed to running and flying fast.

i'm just sick. so maybe the bird is telling me to hide for a week under the covers and sleep? not likely. birds are messengers, not lazy like cats or three-toed sloths. and i have big plans for 2010. you should see our pad. it's really coming together. and my daughter made my day the other night with just five unexpected words. and my boyfriend is an insomniac but also... (ok, i'll go ahead and say it, but keep in mind, i have a fever and may be clinically daft)... i have a boyfriend who unexpectedly came into my life that i love, like, love love. i know, i swore i wouldn't be one of those assholes but i am.

he won't let me run. he's smart. he is obsessed with music. and he has defied death for me--he didn't know at the time he was doing it for me, but turns out, he was. (ok, that's a stretch but it might be a lifetime movie one day.) he has changed me. he's adorable, funny, and loves Gizmo.

anyway, the year is exactly opposite of what i expected--which is usually the case with most things in my life. and the bird in my belly is usually an indicator of enormous changes at the last minute(1). and i love change. i do. so i guess i just need to convince my body that it is a sickness of excitement rather than something that is tragically wrong. so, bring on the diet of chicken broth and coca-cola. i am sick with excitement!

(1) Grace Paley

Auld Lang Syne Life is Long

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

I kiss 2009 goodbye with love. Not really interested in looking back on anything terrible, I am just looking forward.

And, I have to say, 2010 has been a good year for me. I really have loved every minute of it so far. Minimal hangovers, amazing friends, my grandma's birthday party with lots of family ... AND I have already given my bathroom a makeover.

My first meal in 2010 was a Big Mac from McDonald's (of course). My first kiss has made me belly-laugh every single day so far. My daughter has hugged me every day. And I have been happy.

There is a common saying about life being too short. But I think life is long. Life is long. Days are long. Days are full of worrying, fighting, working, thinking, wasting, trying, failing, hating, comparing, gossiping, conspiring, grieving, leaving, regretting, talking ... dreaming, loving, traveling, achieving, laughing, inspiring, smiling, living, running, listening, kissing, illuminating, learning, sharing, drinking, reading, forgiving, resolving, renewing ... Life is too long to spend it being miserable. So I am going to try.

Really try.

"Auld lang syne" literally translated to English is "old long since" or, idiomatically as "long, long, ago".

Oh, hello 2010.

Oh, life is long and hollow ...

Cue my own New Year's Auld Lang Syne : Handsome Furs Hate This City

woke up with blankets in buildings with jaws
stuck to the sheets, clammy with noon
we wish for night-time, a darkening screen
hoping the heart is just a machine

oh, there was home
oh, there was home

this one is vicious, a sinister lean
we haunted the staircase where small ghosts have been
we knew that heaven was stretched out and wide
pinned to the sky, pinned to the sky

oh, there was home

oh, there was home

oh, life is long and hollow
oh, life is long and hollow

oh, life is long and hollow

oh, life is long and hollow

we hate this city and its drone
we hate this city and its drone

we hate this city and its drone

we hate this city and its drone

so black out a million screens
and wire up the floor

baby we can get you anything you want
anytime you want
but you'll wonder what its for

so black out a million screams
and wire up all the floors

baby we can get you anything you want
anytime you want
but you'll wonder what its for